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Need advice: adult son with mental problems ... things getting worse
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 727939" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p><strong><span style="font-size: 18px"><u>Hi cynlee</u></span>,</strong> I have been in a similar situation. So many of your son's behaviors you described fit my son also. I had to make my son leave our home a couple years ago when he was 36. You can read the details in my own threads / posts from that time.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I too felt guilty and fearful about if something may happen to my son, but I could not let him stay, because my own health and life and breath was going downhill from the stress and anxiety and worry, and confusion and heartache and helplessness. I felt I could not even breathe, and I just wanted to run away. I too was not comfortable in my own home, as you said.</p><p></p><p>It was not easy for sure, and my son did not do well when we made him leave and would not let him return. He cried frequently. I know he was also afraid, and had nowhere to go and no friends to help him. I had to accept the real possiblility that he would end up dead somewhere. He ended up in jail for 6 months. It was actually such a relief to me that he ended up in jail! I was glad about it.</p><p>He called me to ask for bail and to have him on supervised released at our house. I did neither. When he called from jail, initially he was mad, and he cursed, and I told him I can’t stay on a call with that language, and I did not take calls for a while, and then only twice a month for 5 minutes. During his time in jail, I did not visit and did not send any money, although I did send periodic notes a couple times per month. I honestly think his jail time rescued him. I believe he learned that he does not want to live long-term in jail.</p><p></p><p>Since his release from jail, he has lived in a transition house the past 18 months, and while he is still not managing his life well, he is mostly / barely handling things on his own, and I am withdrawing as much as possible from his needs and contact with him. I do not have a close relationship with him, and actually prefer that he does not contact us often. When I do see or hear from him, it is cordial, and he knows we would always support and encourage him in moving forward, if and when he ever wants it enough to take action himself.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, I am learning and accepting that my son is certainly a different personality from me, and that we will never mesh in a close relationship, and he will never be the type of person with whom I will enjoy spending time and sharing my life. That is OK. There are many different personality types of people in the world, and we are not friends with them all. Rather we gravitate towards those with whom we can relate in similar understandings and interests. My son and I just happen not to be a good match. That is OK. I feel we are both learning necessary things from each other. I am thankful for that and glad I had the opportunity to raise him up and be friends with him for the first 18 years of his life. I know he has good memories of those times also. He has just grown to be a different kind of adult person now, and our relationship has changed.</p><p></p><p>It is definitely best for all concerned that our son does not live in our house and that he must find him own way in his life. We are in our 70s also. We cannot be so troubled in our own home at this time, and also my son must find a way to survive his own life, as we will not be around forever.</p><p></p><p>We do understand here in this wonderful forum, and you are not alone. This stuff is not easy. I am glad you found us here. There is a wealth of wisdom, caring, and support. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 727939, member: 19617"] [B][SIZE=5][U]Hi cynlee[/U][/SIZE],[/B] I have been in a similar situation. So many of your son's behaviors you described fit my son also. I had to make my son leave our home a couple years ago when he was 36. You can read the details in my own threads / posts from that time. I too felt guilty and fearful about if something may happen to my son, but I could not let him stay, because my own health and life and breath was going downhill from the stress and anxiety and worry, and confusion and heartache and helplessness. I felt I could not even breathe, and I just wanted to run away. I too was not comfortable in my own home, as you said. It was not easy for sure, and my son did not do well when we made him leave and would not let him return. He cried frequently. I know he was also afraid, and had nowhere to go and no friends to help him. I had to accept the real possiblility that he would end up dead somewhere. He ended up in jail for 6 months. It was actually such a relief to me that he ended up in jail! I was glad about it. He called me to ask for bail and to have him on supervised released at our house. I did neither. When he called from jail, initially he was mad, and he cursed, and I told him I can’t stay on a call with that language, and I did not take calls for a while, and then only twice a month for 5 minutes. During his time in jail, I did not visit and did not send any money, although I did send periodic notes a couple times per month. I honestly think his jail time rescued him. I believe he learned that he does not want to live long-term in jail. Since his release from jail, he has lived in a transition house the past 18 months, and while he is still not managing his life well, he is mostly / barely handling things on his own, and I am withdrawing as much as possible from his needs and contact with him. I do not have a close relationship with him, and actually prefer that he does not contact us often. When I do see or hear from him, it is cordial, and he knows we would always support and encourage him in moving forward, if and when he ever wants it enough to take action himself. In the meantime, I am learning and accepting that my son is certainly a different personality from me, and that we will never mesh in a close relationship, and he will never be the type of person with whom I will enjoy spending time and sharing my life. That is OK. There are many different personality types of people in the world, and we are not friends with them all. Rather we gravitate towards those with whom we can relate in similar understandings and interests. My son and I just happen not to be a good match. That is OK. I feel we are both learning necessary things from each other. I am thankful for that and glad I had the opportunity to raise him up and be friends with him for the first 18 years of his life. I know he has good memories of those times also. He has just grown to be a different kind of adult person now, and our relationship has changed. It is definitely best for all concerned that our son does not live in our house and that he must find him own way in his life. We are in our 70s also. We cannot be so troubled in our own home at this time, and also my son must find a way to survive his own life, as we will not be around forever. We do understand here in this wonderful forum, and you are not alone. This stuff is not easy. I am glad you found us here. There is a wealth of wisdom, caring, and support. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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