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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 135061" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Stands, </p><p></p><p>I think the reason we all (parents) to a degree want to jump in and sort things out for our kids at almost any age is because we are old, more experienced and wiser because we've lived longer and seen a good deal of pain and hurt whether from a distance or right in the middle of it. </p><p></p><p>I learned in therapy that a lot of the reasons I never stuck with consequences or gave in to Dude was because it was easier for me. If I said "No playing outside for a week" then he made it intolerable in the house - so I said "In your room for a week" and he made it a disaster and didn't abide by the rules. So I would finally in desperation say "JUST GO PLAY." Thus he didn't learn a thing except that if he pushed my buttons long enough I <u><em><strong>would eventually</strong></em></u> give in. And when they are 4 and 5 it may seem okay but it's not, because they are learning a pattern with us as parents. If they push enough - we will cave and they get their way. </p><p></p><p>Trying to undo this sort of parenting is harder than the behaviors themselves sometimes. And more frustrating as a parent because you think at (this age) they would have gotten in on a rather LARGE scale - but haven't. What I learned from all that was - the easier I made it on Dude, the more I gave in, the more I thought it was easier to just let whatever happen - the worse I made it for him in the long run and the less actual parenting I did. </p><p></p><p>Now at 17 - he's gotten himself into quite a pickle. When I backed off, and stopped solving it all - to make it seemingly easier for ME - I made Dude realize that THIS IS HIS LIFE - and the choices HE makes are his alone - I am there at this stage of the game to say "I love you" and because Dude doesn't have a great understanding of things in general - guide him - but if as long as I continued to pull his hand away from the stove - the older he was before he realized he would get burnt if he didn't listen to me or some other authority figure. </p><p></p><p>I'm giving Dude support - but life is teaching him hard lessons. And it's taking it's toll on me - as his Mom, but......it is what it is - and I can't do much to change it for him. He's got to learn someday - and he can't come back here to live. The only way he could ever do that - would be to show me and DF that he ON HIS OWN - has gotten a GED, a job, a car, a little money saved up - and this time? I think that may be his goal - but at least he's got one. </p><p></p><p>Ask your son what his goal is - and then ask him what his goal is when you tell him to take you and husband out of HIS equation. It's amazing how drastically it changes for them. </p><p></p><p>Does NOT mean I don't love him, does NOT mean I do not support him, does NOT mean I won't offer guidance in the form of words only - but it DOES mean he has ABSOLUTELY worn out his welcome in my home until he does a tremendous amount of growing up ---on his own. </p><p></p><p>Hope this makes sense</p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 135061, member: 4964"] Stands, I think the reason we all (parents) to a degree want to jump in and sort things out for our kids at almost any age is because we are old, more experienced and wiser because we've lived longer and seen a good deal of pain and hurt whether from a distance or right in the middle of it. I learned in therapy that a lot of the reasons I never stuck with consequences or gave in to Dude was because it was easier for me. If I said "No playing outside for a week" then he made it intolerable in the house - so I said "In your room for a week" and he made it a disaster and didn't abide by the rules. So I would finally in desperation say "JUST GO PLAY." Thus he didn't learn a thing except that if he pushed my buttons long enough I [U][I][B]would eventually[/B][/I][/U] give in. And when they are 4 and 5 it may seem okay but it's not, because they are learning a pattern with us as parents. If they push enough - we will cave and they get their way. Trying to undo this sort of parenting is harder than the behaviors themselves sometimes. And more frustrating as a parent because you think at (this age) they would have gotten in on a rather LARGE scale - but haven't. What I learned from all that was - the easier I made it on Dude, the more I gave in, the more I thought it was easier to just let whatever happen - the worse I made it for him in the long run and the less actual parenting I did. Now at 17 - he's gotten himself into quite a pickle. When I backed off, and stopped solving it all - to make it seemingly easier for ME - I made Dude realize that THIS IS HIS LIFE - and the choices HE makes are his alone - I am there at this stage of the game to say "I love you" and because Dude doesn't have a great understanding of things in general - guide him - but if as long as I continued to pull his hand away from the stove - the older he was before he realized he would get burnt if he didn't listen to me or some other authority figure. I'm giving Dude support - but life is teaching him hard lessons. And it's taking it's toll on me - as his Mom, but......it is what it is - and I can't do much to change it for him. He's got to learn someday - and he can't come back here to live. The only way he could ever do that - would be to show me and DF that he ON HIS OWN - has gotten a GED, a job, a car, a little money saved up - and this time? I think that may be his goal - but at least he's got one. Ask your son what his goal is - and then ask him what his goal is when you tell him to take you and husband out of HIS equation. It's amazing how drastically it changes for them. Does NOT mean I don't love him, does NOT mean I do not support him, does NOT mean I won't offer guidance in the form of words only - but it DOES mean he has ABSOLUTELY worn out his welcome in my home until he does a tremendous amount of growing up ---on his own. Hope this makes sense Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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