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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 305295" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>Welcome to CD. I'm a newbie here myself although not a newbie when it comes to difficult child's.</p><p></p><p>No it is unlikely that what you are describing is normal. Sounds very similar to what we experienced when our difficult child 2 was 11.</p><p></p><p>At this point our son has a Mood Disorder not otherwise specified diagnosis too. This is because his symptoms do not fit neatly into any one diagnostic category. There's nothing wrong or right about a given label. In our experience the main reason for having an "accurate" diagnosis (accurate in the sense that the description that goes with that label actually fits your child's symptoms well) is that it serves as short hand for doctors and insurance companies and other professionals and that it may (only may) suggest an appropriate treatment approach that often works for people with that same set of symptoms.</p><p></p><p>You've been given some suggestions for books to read. They're good suggestions.</p><p></p><p>Practical ideas you can put into practice immediately that may help and that we have found helpful include:</p><p></p><p>1) Provide as much predictable structure to the day as possible. Set times for bed, rising, meals, play time are all helpful.</p><p></p><p>2) Practice Low Expressed Emotion in your home if you're not already doing so. That means avoiding words or actions that could be perceived as critical or hostile; educate yourselves as much as you can on mental illness in children; this will help you feel more sympathetic and less angry/blaming when he loses control; understand that your difficult child may not have much control over this behavior and it may be as distressing to him as it is to you; do not blame yourselves or him - try to step outside that trap and just focus on finding what works to help him stay in control or to contain him with compassion when he loses it.</p><p></p><p>3) If you're not doing so already, keep a daily record of his moods and problem behaviors. This may help clarify whether there is a rhythm to his behaviors that may give you some insight and tools to reduce the blow ups. For tips on doing this you might want to check <a href="http://www.gcbf.org/resources/moodcharts.html" target="_blank">http://www.gcbf.org/resources/moodcharts.html</a> for help figuring out what to chart.</p><p></p><p>4) Try not to let your son get really hungry or thirsty, really tired, really hot, really cold - avoid physical stress that might make it harder for him to stay in control of his emotions.</p><p></p><p>5) Avoid over-stimulation and environmental stress - too many friends over for too long, loud noisy places, too long in the sun, a long time riding in the car, too long a school day, limiting the kind and number of shifts you and others expect of him in a short period of time if he is inflexible and has trouble changing from one activity to another, expressing anger in his presence, even if it's not directed at him, can be triggering.</p><p></p><p>6) If there's a particular time of day that he usually blows up try to figure out if there's something about that time of day that may be triggering his blow up and try changing the routine or the circumstances in some way - have dinner earlier or make sure he has play time before doing homework or keep him company in a quiet, compassionate way that doesn't force him to pay attention to you if he doesn't want to but that does let him know he's not alone and you're available to talk or play or just be with him.</p><p></p><p>7) You may want to try some non-verbal things to help him release tension when you see him getting started; we have found that our son can reduce his tension and sometimes really calm down by working his large joints - shoulders and hips. At the first sign of trouble we suggest tug-of-war, wall push ups or jump rope, sometimes all it takes is a big tight hug that squishes his shoulders. Some kids like to be tightly wrapped in a sheet or blanket and then heavy pressure applied to their bodies. Our son also finds having his back scratched hard helps him feel a lot better. You'll have to experiment and find what (if anything) works for your son.</p><p></p><p>8) Pinch hit with your spouse - when one of you is getting really angry, trade off and let the other (hopefully calm) spouse deal with things for a while.</p><p></p><p>9) Know that this is a process and life will almost certainly get better once you (and your son) get a clearer understanding of what triggers him and what helps him calm himself and then learn to do those things at the first signs of trouble.</p><p></p><p>10) Seek a second opinion from a skilled and experienced child psychiatrist if possible. If you live in a large urban area you should have several to choose from; if you live in a rural area you may have none without traveling a long way. If it's an option, consider seeking a consultation from a reputable university-affiliated child psychiatric/neuro-psychiatric program that specializes in diagnosing and treating child-onset mental illness like Stanford.</p><p></p><p>11) Take care of yourself - eat well, get a full night's sleep when possible, get some exercise to reduce stress, - and simplify your life especially focusing on eliminating activities in the evenings that may be stressful to your son like watching TV until bedtime (try reading to him or bubble baths instead), sports teams like soccer if doing them disrupts the daily routine by delaying dinner or bedtime, going out to eat etc.</p><p></p><p>12) Accept that for right now your son may need as much undivided attention as you and your spouse can give him. That means you may not get to read the paper in the morning or spend time on the computer in the afternoon and evening. It may mean that you (or your spouse) give up some activities like social groups or golf so that your spouse isn't left alone with both kids. These are likely to be temporary measures but can be very helpful.</p><p></p><p>13) Try to find a way to get regular respite from your child. If there is another family that you can trade short playdates with - do it. Your child is likely to be a perfect angel at their house. Swap boys and girls - have their daughter over while your son goes to their house and vice versa. Ask an aunt, uncle or other trustworthy adult who's good with kids and whom your child knows and likes to give your child some one-on-one time. You might explain that difficult child is going through a rough patch (if you haven't told them what's been happening) and could really use some extra attention right now. Or you can tell them honestly what's going on and ask for their help in this way. If possible make this a regularly scheduled event - every Sunday afternoon, Uncle X will spend 2 hours with difficult child at the park or going to a movie - whatever. Don't use too much of your respite time talking about your difficult child - use it to relax, do something fun you like to do, spend time with your daughter one-on-one.</p><p></p><p>14) Follow through with the school and ask for a full Special Education evaluation. See the Special Education section of the board for advice on that subject. School may have become a major source of stress and making some changes there may have a huge impact on his behavior outside of school.</p><p></p><p>Many hugs - glad you found your way here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 305295, member: 7948"] Welcome to CD. I'm a newbie here myself although not a newbie when it comes to difficult child's. No it is unlikely that what you are describing is normal. Sounds very similar to what we experienced when our difficult child 2 was 11. At this point our son has a Mood Disorder not otherwise specified diagnosis too. This is because his symptoms do not fit neatly into any one diagnostic category. There's nothing wrong or right about a given label. In our experience the main reason for having an "accurate" diagnosis (accurate in the sense that the description that goes with that label actually fits your child's symptoms well) is that it serves as short hand for doctors and insurance companies and other professionals and that it may (only may) suggest an appropriate treatment approach that often works for people with that same set of symptoms. You've been given some suggestions for books to read. They're good suggestions. Practical ideas you can put into practice immediately that may help and that we have found helpful include: 1) Provide as much predictable structure to the day as possible. Set times for bed, rising, meals, play time are all helpful. 2) Practice Low Expressed Emotion in your home if you're not already doing so. That means avoiding words or actions that could be perceived as critical or hostile; educate yourselves as much as you can on mental illness in children; this will help you feel more sympathetic and less angry/blaming when he loses control; understand that your difficult child may not have much control over this behavior and it may be as distressing to him as it is to you; do not blame yourselves or him - try to step outside that trap and just focus on finding what works to help him stay in control or to contain him with compassion when he loses it. 3) If you're not doing so already, keep a daily record of his moods and problem behaviors. This may help clarify whether there is a rhythm to his behaviors that may give you some insight and tools to reduce the blow ups. For tips on doing this you might want to check [url]http://www.gcbf.org/resources/moodcharts.html[/url] for help figuring out what to chart. 4) Try not to let your son get really hungry or thirsty, really tired, really hot, really cold - avoid physical stress that might make it harder for him to stay in control of his emotions. 5) Avoid over-stimulation and environmental stress - too many friends over for too long, loud noisy places, too long in the sun, a long time riding in the car, too long a school day, limiting the kind and number of shifts you and others expect of him in a short period of time if he is inflexible and has trouble changing from one activity to another, expressing anger in his presence, even if it's not directed at him, can be triggering. 6) If there's a particular time of day that he usually blows up try to figure out if there's something about that time of day that may be triggering his blow up and try changing the routine or the circumstances in some way - have dinner earlier or make sure he has play time before doing homework or keep him company in a quiet, compassionate way that doesn't force him to pay attention to you if he doesn't want to but that does let him know he's not alone and you're available to talk or play or just be with him. 7) You may want to try some non-verbal things to help him release tension when you see him getting started; we have found that our son can reduce his tension and sometimes really calm down by working his large joints - shoulders and hips. At the first sign of trouble we suggest tug-of-war, wall push ups or jump rope, sometimes all it takes is a big tight hug that squishes his shoulders. Some kids like to be tightly wrapped in a sheet or blanket and then heavy pressure applied to their bodies. Our son also finds having his back scratched hard helps him feel a lot better. You'll have to experiment and find what (if anything) works for your son. 8) Pinch hit with your spouse - when one of you is getting really angry, trade off and let the other (hopefully calm) spouse deal with things for a while. 9) Know that this is a process and life will almost certainly get better once you (and your son) get a clearer understanding of what triggers him and what helps him calm himself and then learn to do those things at the first signs of trouble. 10) Seek a second opinion from a skilled and experienced child psychiatrist if possible. If you live in a large urban area you should have several to choose from; if you live in a rural area you may have none without traveling a long way. If it's an option, consider seeking a consultation from a reputable university-affiliated child psychiatric/neuro-psychiatric program that specializes in diagnosing and treating child-onset mental illness like Stanford. 11) Take care of yourself - eat well, get a full night's sleep when possible, get some exercise to reduce stress, - and simplify your life especially focusing on eliminating activities in the evenings that may be stressful to your son like watching TV until bedtime (try reading to him or bubble baths instead), sports teams like soccer if doing them disrupts the daily routine by delaying dinner or bedtime, going out to eat etc. 12) Accept that for right now your son may need as much undivided attention as you and your spouse can give him. That means you may not get to read the paper in the morning or spend time on the computer in the afternoon and evening. It may mean that you (or your spouse) give up some activities like social groups or golf so that your spouse isn't left alone with both kids. These are likely to be temporary measures but can be very helpful. 13) Try to find a way to get regular respite from your child. If there is another family that you can trade short playdates with - do it. Your child is likely to be a perfect angel at their house. Swap boys and girls - have their daughter over while your son goes to their house and vice versa. Ask an aunt, uncle or other trustworthy adult who's good with kids and whom your child knows and likes to give your child some one-on-one time. You might explain that difficult child is going through a rough patch (if you haven't told them what's been happening) and could really use some extra attention right now. Or you can tell them honestly what's going on and ask for their help in this way. If possible make this a regularly scheduled event - every Sunday afternoon, Uncle X will spend 2 hours with difficult child at the park or going to a movie - whatever. Don't use too much of your respite time talking about your difficult child - use it to relax, do something fun you like to do, spend time with your daughter one-on-one. 14) Follow through with the school and ask for a full Special Education evaluation. See the Special Education section of the board for advice on that subject. School may have become a major source of stress and making some changes there may have a huge impact on his behavior outside of school. Many hugs - glad you found your way here. [/QUOTE]
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