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Need advice on what to say to a friend...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 363748" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>For the most part you need to just be there for them. If they ask for ideas or help you can give them info on detaching. We have links about this in the general archives and likely in the PE and Sub Abuse forums and archives as well. You could print the info out and give it to them or you could give them the links.</p><p></p><p>But ONLY if they ask for help or your opinion. Otherwise this is a situation where simply listening to them as they work through this is the best idea. They may need to rant or whine or ponder the problems and what they have done, haven't done, or thought about. Sometimes they need to talk off and on for weeks until they get it figured out. being there, letting them talk to you without having you give any judgment or tell them how to "fix" it is often the greatest gift you can give them. They will have many friends who will stop calling or visiting because so much of their lives are focused on this problem. Others will tell them what they "should" do and what they did wrong. If they don't jump on these things the others likely will begin to stop coming around. It is very common. Some people will even think that if they stay around then their own family might "catch" these problems.</p><p></p><p>You may be able to offer to help with something. Maybe plant a couple of flowers to brighten things up, or take them a meal if you know they are going to have a tough day in court or visiting him or just getting through the day that he should graduate or celebrate his birthday or whatever. </p><p></p><p>I think the only suggestion I would really make is to encourage them to go to NarcAnon or AlAnon. If they have younger kids you might babysit while they go, or give them a ride if they have no car. Otherwise they will have to handle this their own way. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry they are hurting so.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 363748, member: 1233"] For the most part you need to just be there for them. If they ask for ideas or help you can give them info on detaching. We have links about this in the general archives and likely in the PE and Sub Abuse forums and archives as well. You could print the info out and give it to them or you could give them the links. But ONLY if they ask for help or your opinion. Otherwise this is a situation where simply listening to them as they work through this is the best idea. They may need to rant or whine or ponder the problems and what they have done, haven't done, or thought about. Sometimes they need to talk off and on for weeks until they get it figured out. being there, letting them talk to you without having you give any judgment or tell them how to "fix" it is often the greatest gift you can give them. They will have many friends who will stop calling or visiting because so much of their lives are focused on this problem. Others will tell them what they "should" do and what they did wrong. If they don't jump on these things the others likely will begin to stop coming around. It is very common. Some people will even think that if they stay around then their own family might "catch" these problems. You may be able to offer to help with something. Maybe plant a couple of flowers to brighten things up, or take them a meal if you know they are going to have a tough day in court or visiting him or just getting through the day that he should graduate or celebrate his birthday or whatever. I think the only suggestion I would really make is to encourage them to go to NarcAnon or AlAnon. If they have younger kids you might babysit while they go, or give them a ride if they have no car. Otherwise they will have to handle this their own way. I am sorry they are hurting so. [/QUOTE]
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