need advice regarding 18yr old

[flnurse1976]

Hello, new to this forum and was seeking advise. My story is long but I will try to make it short. Me and my husband have an 18 year old daughter. She is still in highschool and supposed to graduate in May. However, because she messed up her 9th grade year this year she has no room to mess up with her credits and MUST go everyday and get C's or higher in order to graduate. Lately she has been skipping school, being very disrespectful and coming home late and when she doesn't get her way she takes off for 2 days anyway. This goes on and when she comes back she is "grounded" for a bit but then her behavior just continues. I want her to graduate.
Here is the bigger issue and I will try to not drag it out.Basically, my husband and I went through a difficult time, lost everything we had and we all had to move in with my parents 3 years ago when she turned 15. Our daughter has always been very close with my parents and have given her everything she wants. Since shes been acting out badly we have taken her phone away, computer and everything and come to find out grandmother was sneaking my daughter grandmas ipod, grandmas phone..etc behind our backs. After a few blow outs grandma stopped. Now my daughter is about to fail, hanging with the wrong crowd and just being completely defiant and rude.Her window is srewed shut because she snuck people in and went out the window. She runs away and calls grandma and grandma doesnt let us know anything. We ground her by taking computer and TRYING to take her new IPHONE grandma just bought but she will not give it to us. We would have to physically fight her for it. So I contacted phone company and disconnected it to where she can only contact grandma and me, no internet BUT anywhere there is Wifi she can still access everything. Now I find out grandma called phone company behind my back and turned everything on for her. Grandma constantly will take her shopping, and buy her what she wants. I have no control over the phone because grandma pays for it. Right now grandma is supporting us all and she thinks she has the right to do all this since she pays for everything. I have had over the past few days talks with grandma about this..not to undermine us as the parents and also to stop giving into my daughter and stop letting her get away with everything and to just stay out of it BUT as soon as my daughter gets next to her she turns her charm on and grandma cant say no! What do I do? My daughter is never going to listen to us if grandma keeps doing what she does!! Honestly my husband and I want to tell my daughter if she can not follow the rules and listen to just get out! I feel it would be a lesson for her! I did the same stuff as a teen and would always crawl back cuz it sucked to stay at friends houses with no support! Am I wrong to want her to go? Grandma says ok I will just go with what you guys say but I know as soon as my daughter comes home she will go soft. Any advise on my situation with my mom????? Yes, I know I should be in my own house with my husband and our daughter but I can not change the past for the reasons why we are all staying here, and it is not financially possible right now and would just like advice on this situation. Thank you. If I wrote this in the wrong forum I apologize. I am not familiar with forums. Also. my daughter does have a part time job but is reliant on grandma (my parents) for support and reliant on us all for rides to and from work, school and where ever she wants to go. I also can not get my mom to stop taking her to the mall and extra things when I am trying to punish her. I cant get my mom to understand she ONLY should get a ride to and from work and to school and THATS IT!Thanks for reading.

 

[flnurse1976]

I would just like to add also I am not on speaking terms with GFG18 since Mon after she took off. She will not answer me or look at me and i tend to fly off the handle and will just yell making the situation with her worse and then she will just take off.So I choose to back off for the time being. My husband talks to her but she is short with him. GFG18 will not call my phone and keeps calling grandmas phone that she needs picked up from work etc..then relays the message. Also difficult child just got OSS from school this morning for using her phone during school and flinging something at the teacher who tried to take her phone from her. Even after OSS from school grandma refuses to take her phone and turns it on behind my back. Now that grandma did that I went behind my moms back and called phone company telling them I was the account holder, using her social number and changed it back to where difficult child can not make calls or use internet except to contact us. The phone is under grandmas name....is that extreme of me to do? I feel it is not because I am difficult child's parent and do not want her on that phone but I am not the primary account holder. Anyone have advise for my mom??? Am I wrong???Is she wrong??? I now have to constantly lurk over them or whenever I hear my mom on the phone I jump up to see if its my difficult child trying to pursuade her again to turn phone on or give her permission to hang out with a friend. GFG18 will continue to not speak to me and her father as long as she keeps calling grandma/going to grandma for permission and grandma WILL NOT just say "ask your parents" and hang up the phone. She just will not say "call your parents". If anyone can please advise or is anyone been in my situation????thanks for reading. Sorry my second post is so long, hope someone reads it. I am just fustrated and venting.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome finurse. I am sorry you're going through this with your daughter and your mother too. You're sandwiched between them in an unhealthy way.

You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, you may find it useful and informative.

You're in an unusual situation in that you are all fenced in together in a housing situation which sounds pretty dysfunctional and unhealthy and yet you can't financially, at the moment, remove yourselves. I can imagine how difficult, frustrating and exhausting it all is.

It doesn't sound as if reasoning and talking works with your parents or your daughter. You can't control the situation and your mother is making it so difficult with the controlling presence she fosters in her home..........I can see how you would feel very stuck and powerless.

If at all possible, try to find some support for you, perhaps therapy, if you can afford that. Usually there are professional services available at a sliding scale if you dig around you can likely find some. Or you can look for a parent group in your area where you can talk about the issues and find others who can empathize and offer support. It may be necessary for you to practice detachment from both your parents and your daughter at this point, so that you don't go crazy. You're in a crazy making situation where everyone is acting out in controlling and manipulative ways. I feel for you, this has got to be hard for you. I'm sorry.

I don't have any clear cut answers for you, living with your parents and having your mother give your daughter everything against your wishes and supporting all of you at the same time is very unusual. If it were me I would recognize the fact that I can't control any of this, or any of these people and I would begin practicing detachment. I would get myself support to do that. I would begin putting the focus on myself and take it off of your daughter. I would do nurturing and kind things for ME. I would make sure I exercised, got outside, slept well, ate well, and put my self care at the top of my priority list.

You might want to pick up Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie. Keep posting it helps us to clarify our issues and get support and compassion.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You've come to a safe place where we understand. You are not alone. We are here if you need us. Sending warm wishes that peace finds you and your husband.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi, I'm sorry you are in the situation you are in. It truly does sound nearly impossible.

I would run, not walk, to the nearest Al-Anon meeting and start going every single day to a meeting. It is free. It is a 12-step process for family members of addicts and alcoholics. It is a wonderful tool and is basically group therapy. Al-Anon will help you let go of your daughter and your mother and learn to focus on yourself and your own life.

I see that you are in recovery yourself---if you worked a 12-step program it is basically the same 12 steps but it is presented in a completely different way. There are a lot of "double winners" as they call themselves in Al-Anon and AA. They always comment how different it is---how peaceful, for instance.

Go to 6 Al-Anon meetings before you decide if the program is right for you. There is so much support and help there. You will start to hear a different way of doing things.

In my opinion and experience, it is truly the only way to peace in a situation like yours and like mine.

Your daughter is an adult in the eyes of society. It's time you started letting go of doing things for her she can do for herself. If she doesn't, then she takes the consequences. She won't like it, but it sounds like she doesn't like the way things are now either.

You are reaching out for help. That is why you posted here. That is a good start. You are ready to do something different. That is the very first step toward peace.

Blessings and hugs for you today.

 

[flnurse1976]

Thanks for the response and advise. I have read all sorts of posts all night and all day, read the article on detachment and just been reading on the internet all kinds of other advise seeking posts.

I will look into al-onon. I am not even going to try to reason with my 18yr old because I know I will just start yelling and make things worse and she will use that as an excuse to walk out the door. However I (my husband really)is still trying to reason with my mom because she is a reasonable person, just can not say no to her grandchild, feeling bad for her.

As of last night my husband picked GFG18 up from work and since then grandma kept trying to go in her room and shut the door and every time she did that my husband said "(insert name), please come out here" and she did and that had to happen a few times. This morning husband gets up to take GFG18 to school and already grandma comes out of room to make her a sandwich and wanted to deliver it to her room and soon as he seen her he said politely, "(insert name), its handled go back to your room please" and she did. Told my mom I went in her account and switched GFG18's phone to off and that I also need to call cable company to change the Wi-Fi password. Even tho I disconnect phone she can still connect to a Wi-fi. I was worried my mom would just give her the password so she said go ahead and change it and just not give it to her so that way she cant tell GFG18 since she doesnt know it. I also told her I guess I will have to check daily with hone service to make sure my GFG18 is not pressuring you to turn it on. GG18 pressured her all night to turn it back on till grandma had a breakdown crying.

I still feel if I can just keep my mom distant from my GFG18 for the time being my GFG18 will start listening. She seems to cooperate with my husband and I if we are up her butt checking ALL day. Grandma does say I am sorry i just dont have the heart to say no even though it is wrong. Maybe I am wrong?

I am just hoping GFG18 will at least graduate in June. That is my main goal for right now. I am trying to find some information for my mom to read the past two days to make her understand that my difficult child should suffer consequences for her actions in school since my mom thinks she should still have her phone on at certain times and be allowed to go out on weekends. My mom wants to compromise with an 18 year old her punishment and by the way that has not worked in the past.

So any material you think my mom should read?

Come the end of May when she should graduate I am done. I have been an LPN for many years and graduated RN school and fixing to take my state exam by the end of the month. Hopefully I can continue to focus on studying right now!

Thanks for reading again.Feels better to vent and sorry if my 3rd post seems redundant.