Thanks so much RE. The only problem is, I live across the country from them. I never met the granddaughter and she has no idea who I am or else I would. I do have a lot on my plate. My difficult child came home Tuesday from psychiatric hospital and everything was good for the first two days, but slowly but surely seems to be deteriorating. I know the best option, the only option, is to leave for good when my lease is up the end of December. It's time to leave this frightening mess. She is back on her tangents just tonight, doing the thing I hate most, manipulating and rewriting events. Telling me what I can or can not say. I have ZERO tolerance for this. I just have to bide my stupid time to get out of here. It's taking forever isn't it?
Need advice to give to a dear friend
- Thread starter GuideMe
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Oh boy GM, you do have a lot on your plate. I'm so sorry the craziness continues. Sending warm hugs.........breathe.........watch some relaxing videos on youtube.......they have some good mediative ones, or some teaching videos I like are Brene Brown or Eckhart Tolle, I've been watching a lot of those two lately, I find them very helpful. Hang in there.........
Thank you so much RE. She doesn't do this stuff with anyone else but me. It is too easy to walk all over me unfortunately. I was always very easily bullied as a child and I guess it just leaked out into my adult years as well. I am too soft with anyone who is willing to cross boundaries. I feel like a failure because she wouldn't be in half the mess she is in now if she had to live with someone who could enforce rules. She actually does really well when she is not with me. I am not an easy person to live with at all. I do chase everyone away, that's one of the reasons why I don't have a significant other because I hate sharing my home, even my bed. I do not like to be bothered. However, I am very normal and pleasant when I am out of my home. I get along with people great, but if they live with me or get too extremely close, I turn into a different person. I need my space and really, that's not fair to your child. I deal with my demons behind closed doors, in my home and it's just not a good place for anyone to be. She has good reasons to be angry, but at the same time, she has no good reasons to act out , abuse me or tell me what to do. She takes it too far. I truly feel within my heart we will get along great and things will be a major turn around if we didn't have to live together. She gets away with way too much which gets her into a lot of trouble. It is NOT good for her. It's just NOT. It makes me cringe with how much she has gotten away with, leaves a lot of anger inside of me that through out her teenage years, she answered to no one and did what she wanted to do, while I suffered. I do not want to see her in a psychiatric hospital or a jail though. That is not some place I think she should be. There should be other options and there will be. When my lease is done, I am packing up and leaving and she can go wherever she needs to go. I gave her PLENTY of time, chances, anything and everything to get her life together so this way she would have her own place, be in college dorm or a roommate by this time in her life. She chose not to listen to me or take me seriously. She really thinks I am not leaving either when the lease is up. It's a shame because that's going to be a very hard reality for her and I am so sorry for it, I really am. It's going to break my heart.
Well I am happy to report she came home on time at curfew for the first time ever in life!!! WOW!!! And it is sad that she never came home at curfew before in her entire life. But hey, I will take this. Maybe she does realize I am being serious and will only be pushed so far. I left her a hell of a text message tonight, so hopefully it sunk in for her.
I'm glad she came home on time.
Well GM, you have a plan of action and that's good. About 8 more weeks. It appears that you've tried everything else and now you've realized that moving out is the best option for you. I understand your concerns. I permitted my daughter to cross boundaries and I also blamed myself for the way it all turned out.I think many of us have "demons" we handle behind closed doors with our children present. As I'm sure, many of our own parents did. We're all human, with our frailties, our brilliances, our shortcomings and our guilts. Lately I've come across this Maya Angelou quote a number of times, "When we know better, we do better." That's what you are doing, it's what I did too. Don't beat yourself up about the past, it's over, no reason to carry all that guilt around. You're doing your best now to correct it. You're doing the best you can, which is all any of us can do.
Perhaps use this next 8 weeks to try not to respond in the same manner as you have. That helped me a lot. When we pull back and give it a little space between our responses, often we can find a different way to respond and that different response elicits a different outcome. Plus it allows us to calm down. You and your daughter are used to a certain way of relating to one another, if you change your response, usually, she will change as well. It's tough in the middle of a drama to do that, but it's a practice, we get better over time. I had a lot of professional help to do that, which I needed, and little by little, as I shifted my responses, waited, didn't react immediately,...... and when I did, I responded more calmly, setting boundaries, being clear about what I was not willing to accept.......things changed.
I hope you have a peaceful day today. Take good care of yourself GM.
Well GM, you have a plan of action and that's good. About 8 more weeks. It appears that you've tried everything else and now you've realized that moving out is the best option for you. I understand your concerns. I permitted my daughter to cross boundaries and I also blamed myself for the way it all turned out.I think many of us have "demons" we handle behind closed doors with our children present. As I'm sure, many of our own parents did. We're all human, with our frailties, our brilliances, our shortcomings and our guilts. Lately I've come across this Maya Angelou quote a number of times, "When we know better, we do better." That's what you are doing, it's what I did too. Don't beat yourself up about the past, it's over, no reason to carry all that guilt around. You're doing your best now to correct it. You're doing the best you can, which is all any of us can do.
Perhaps use this next 8 weeks to try not to respond in the same manner as you have. That helped me a lot. When we pull back and give it a little space between our responses, often we can find a different way to respond and that different response elicits a different outcome. Plus it allows us to calm down. You and your daughter are used to a certain way of relating to one another, if you change your response, usually, she will change as well. It's tough in the middle of a drama to do that, but it's a practice, we get better over time. I had a lot of professional help to do that, which I needed, and little by little, as I shifted my responses, waited, didn't react immediately,...... and when I did, I responded more calmly, setting boundaries, being clear about what I was not willing to accept.......things changed.
I hope you have a peaceful day today. Take good care of yourself GM.
dstc_99
Well-Known Member
Ok so I didn't get a chance to read everything but as the mother of a 14 year old plus sized girl with decent behavior and grades I feel pretty in touch with this issue. She's a great kid but her weight makes her a target and so does the fact that she likes to be edgy. She never wants to wear the normal clothes kids wear and she never wants normal hair colors. She has had some friends I questioned and some friends I loved. Generally though she attaches most to kids with issues.
Here's the deal. I keep a close eye on her friends and what she and they are doing. I talk to her about them when I have concerns and let her know how I feel. As for the clothes and hair I do my best to make sure that her style choices are appropriately sized and provide the coverage needed. There are of course pieces we don't agree upon but those are never something she is allowed to wear outside the house. I bite my tongue when we shop because most of what she picks makes me cringe but as long as it isn't obscene or inappropriate I try to keep my mouth shut.
The hair drives me nuts. She is a blonde and has that hair color women pay big bucks for. It has now been red, blue, pink, tricolored, and green by accident. I absolutely hate it. I also refuse to let her get it done somewhere cheap and ruin it. Because of that it isn't cheap. So I have put my foot down recently and told her that she can do whatever she wants to the ends but the roots need to stay blonde. I refuse to take my 14 year old in every 6 weeks for hair touch ups.
So hear is my advice for your friend. Stay close to the girl. Let her know that you know the clothes are just clothes and you don't care if she decides to wear a unicorn horn on the forehead she will still always be loved. Support her and talk to her honestly about her friends and her actions.
Making a big deal about clothing can blow something silly out of proportion. Sometimes something as simple as ignoring the dramatic change or even playing along/into it can make it less exciting for the kid. Now I am not saying to ignore the signs of other things just to keep in mind that most goths are just going through a phase. As long as she isn't making bad decisions along with it then who cares.
Here's the deal. I keep a close eye on her friends and what she and they are doing. I talk to her about them when I have concerns and let her know how I feel. As for the clothes and hair I do my best to make sure that her style choices are appropriately sized and provide the coverage needed. There are of course pieces we don't agree upon but those are never something she is allowed to wear outside the house. I bite my tongue when we shop because most of what she picks makes me cringe but as long as it isn't obscene or inappropriate I try to keep my mouth shut.
The hair drives me nuts. She is a blonde and has that hair color women pay big bucks for. It has now been red, blue, pink, tricolored, and green by accident. I absolutely hate it. I also refuse to let her get it done somewhere cheap and ruin it. Because of that it isn't cheap. So I have put my foot down recently and told her that she can do whatever she wants to the ends but the roots need to stay blonde. I refuse to take my 14 year old in every 6 weeks for hair touch ups.
So hear is my advice for your friend. Stay close to the girl. Let her know that you know the clothes are just clothes and you don't care if she decides to wear a unicorn horn on the forehead she will still always be loved. Support her and talk to her honestly about her friends and her actions.
Making a big deal about clothing can blow something silly out of proportion. Sometimes something as simple as ignoring the dramatic change or even playing along/into it can make it less exciting for the kid. Now I am not saying to ignore the signs of other things just to keep in mind that most goths are just going through a phase. As long as she isn't making bad decisions along with it then who cares.
