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Need advice to give to a dear friend
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 638429" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm glad she came home on time. </p><p></p><p>Well GM, you have a plan of action and that's good. About 8 more weeks. It appears that you've tried everything else and now you've realized that moving out is the best option for you. I understand your concerns. I permitted my daughter to cross boundaries and I also blamed myself for the way it all turned out.I think many of us have "demons" we handle behind closed doors with our children present. As I'm sure, many of our own parents did. We're all human, with our frailties, our brilliances, our shortcomings and our guilts. Lately I've come across this Maya Angelou quote a number of times, "When we know better, we do better." That's what you are doing, it's what I did too. Don't beat yourself up about the past, it's over, no reason to carry all that guilt around. You're doing your best now to correct it. You're doing the best you can, which is all any of us can do. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps use this next 8 weeks to try not to respond in the same manner as you have. That helped me a lot. When we pull back and give it a little space between our responses, often we can find a different way to respond and that different response elicits a different outcome. Plus it allows us to calm down. You and your daughter are used to a certain way of relating to one another, if you change your response, usually, she will change as well. It's tough in the middle of a drama to do that, but it's a practice, we get better over time. I had a lot of professional help to do that, which I needed, and little by little, as I shifted my responses, waited, didn't react immediately,...... and when I did, I responded more calmly, setting boundaries, being clear about what I was not willing to accept.......things changed.</p><p></p><p>I hope you have a peaceful day today. Take good care of yourself GM.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 638429, member: 13542"] I'm glad she came home on time. Well GM, you have a plan of action and that's good. About 8 more weeks. It appears that you've tried everything else and now you've realized that moving out is the best option for you. I understand your concerns. I permitted my daughter to cross boundaries and I also blamed myself for the way it all turned out.I think many of us have "demons" we handle behind closed doors with our children present. As I'm sure, many of our own parents did. We're all human, with our frailties, our brilliances, our shortcomings and our guilts. Lately I've come across this Maya Angelou quote a number of times, "When we know better, we do better." That's what you are doing, it's what I did too. Don't beat yourself up about the past, it's over, no reason to carry all that guilt around. You're doing your best now to correct it. You're doing the best you can, which is all any of us can do. Perhaps use this next 8 weeks to try not to respond in the same manner as you have. That helped me a lot. When we pull back and give it a little space between our responses, often we can find a different way to respond and that different response elicits a different outcome. Plus it allows us to calm down. You and your daughter are used to a certain way of relating to one another, if you change your response, usually, she will change as well. It's tough in the middle of a drama to do that, but it's a practice, we get better over time. I had a lot of professional help to do that, which I needed, and little by little, as I shifted my responses, waited, didn't react immediately,...... and when I did, I responded more calmly, setting boundaries, being clear about what I was not willing to accept.......things changed. I hope you have a peaceful day today. Take good care of yourself GM. [/QUOTE]
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