Need advice with my 18 year old son.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by stressedmom72, May 24, 2015.

  1. stressedmom72

    stressedmom72 New Member

    I'm 42 year old Mom of four. I am very blessed as well with my family. However, my 18 year old son is going to be the death of me.... what do I do? He is a Senior in high school this year, and quit just a couple weeks before the end of school because he couldn't get all the work done. He doesn't work, He smokes pot day in and day out and hangs out with people that I am pretty sure do more than that. He is a smart kid, good looking and great personality. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety and Depression... I cry day in and day out about this... He says he let me take him to take the HISET test for his GED. He has fines he hasn't paid and now his license is suspended. I can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink. What do I do?? Someone help!



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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. What kind of fines does your son have? Does he have to work and pay them himself? Can you give us a bit of a backstory so we know what was going on?

    If his friends do more than pot, it is almost a guarantee he is too. No, we don't want to think so. Yes, it is the most likely reality. Has he been acting strangely? Any weird sleeping habits? Stealing? Drinking and driving? Does he do anything like chores around the house? Is he respectful to you and his siblings? He is reaching the age of maturity so you have choices you didn't have before.

    In your own house, you can forbid him from smoking pot, staying out late, anything you want. Your house/your rules. He can always decide to strike out on your own, but it is a bad idea to let any adult child run your life and decide his own rules.

    Neither anxiety, ADHD or depression are reasons for him to not finish school or to act badly. He is choosing his path and it's not good so far, but he's young. You can only change yourself and your reaction to him and what you are willing to tolerate under your own roof. You can control how much money he gets from you. When my daughter took drugs, she got exactly nothing from us. No money. She had to get a job.

    I'm sure others will check in soon. Sorry you have to be here, but you'll get good, solid advice from those who have been in or are in the trenches.

    Do you feel he is addicted to pot? Yes, it is common. It happens.
     
  3. stressedmom72

    stressedmom72 New Member

    He has fines for driving and his sticker was bad and bad exhaust, he never paid those. He has a fine from having a party at our family camp and providing a place for people to drink... Yes, I think he is addicted to Pot completely. He says , "no", but he does it everyday. We have seen him decline in school over the past year, and now he is out completely. He sleeps all night he use to have issues with it, but since starting pot, he sleeps much better, not that i condone that, I am not an advocate for him to do it. He doesn't speak to his 14 year old sister, never really has... He gets along with my youngest 7 year old and oldest 20 year old daughter fine. My oldest never did any of this, she is in college now. My husband and I have never been pot smokers or cigarette for that matter and rarely have a drink. He is very controlling.. I have to pay him to get him to do anything around the house. He lost his job from not going to work a couple times.. I am just at wits end....and so is my husband. We love him so much, but don't know what to do?

    Thanks,
    Melissa
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, ok. I have a few suggestions.

    You can take them or leave them, but over my dead and buried body would I pay my lazy pot smoking 17 year old son to do chores about the house. I did that to my kids when they were eight and by 12, all of them did their own laundry for free and other things and one has autism. I also made all my kids except autistic son get a part-time job by 16. I was not rich enough to fund everything and it made them all have good work ethics.

    If your son is smoking pot in your house, is that ok with you? Nobody smokes in our house. I don't care what it is. Or in my vehicle. I don't allow smoking in my territory.

    Sleeping a lot could be more than pot. Downers do that too. My daughter used them as well as speed and meth and we thought she was only smoking pot too. The truth is, you don't know what your son is doing other than being irresponsible. He should have no power to control you in your own home. That is NOT his house unless he is paying the mortgage. You are the parents; he should not be able to get you to do what he wants you to do just because he may throw a mild, babyish tantrum. You need to take over, in my opinion.

    If this were me, and I realize it's not, he would have a contract in which he has until graduation to cut way down on the pot and never have it in your house, listen to all of your rules, clean along with everyone else, be kind to everyone or find a new place to live because it doesn't sound like he is college bound and he is able bodied and can work. At eighteen some boys and girls are in our military. Many are at college. The rest are mostly working full time and anxious to grow up. If he won't grow up, you may have to give him an involuntary shove or he won't do it. Many here will testify that their failure to launch and drug using adult kids need to suddenly find that the money tree from Mom and Dad is done and that they have to grow up themselves if they don't like our rules.

    If you let him drive your car, he is awfully irresponsible in it. I wouldn't allow it. When my daughter was using drugs, and remember at first we thought it was just pot, she was not allowed to use our vehicle at all after an accident, which made us wonder why we waited that long to take away our car priveledges from her.But she had said she quit and we wanted to believe it.

    My daughter did quit...even cigarettes...and has turned into a very nice young lady with her own house, a SO and a beautiful one year old daughter, my grandchild. But we did Tough Love with her and she used from age 12 to 19. Yes, she started at 12. When she told me, I as speechless. But at least she also quit young and went to college twice and has two certificates that are good for jobs.

    in my opinion you gain nothing by enabling disrerspectful and drug using young adults. It's in my opinion not good for them and it certainly is not good for us or our children still at home. You can only control one person in the world and that is YOU. You can't stop your son from doing anything, but you can present him with options. "If you live in MY house, you follow these rules, or you'll have to find a place other than here to live." That's about all you can do or you can live with it, if it doesn't bother you enough.

    I'm glad we went into the Tough Love camp as we suffered a lot less and not as long as some people. Not,it doesn't always work, but it sure worked for our daughter. And enabling NEVER works.

    Welcome to our board. Many, many parents with more experience than me will drop in to give you their .02. Basically, you read it and decide if it's for you and take what you like and leave the rest.

    Have a peaceful, serene day in spite of your Difficult Child. YOU matter as much as he does.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2015
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Who gave these diagnoses, and when?

    We got nothing but run-arounds and put-offs until our son qualified for adult services. At that point... we started getting REAL diagnoses, serious medications adjustments, and all sorts of help. Exactly what he had needed at least 8 years sooner.

    The conditions you list are often "marker" symptoms of another diagnosis altogether.

    You're between a rock and a hard place because of his age. If HE wants help, there will be better help available. But you can't force him to get help. (here, we can't even force them to get help once they turn 12). So maybe you need to put HIM between a rock and hard place... either be a willing and active participant in getting real help, OR ... do it your way but not living at home. He will likely choose the latter option at least at first. But we can't control their choices.
     
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