Need advise about vacation

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
You can't just quit heroin. It is about the worst drug you can take. His girlfriend used with him and refused rehsb.

I stick to protecting the young ones. It is our duty as parents in my opinion to keep minors safe. Worn out from this...lol. I think you have to have been in a similar situation to understand. Unfprtunately, I had a drug user and small kids. Obviously she didn't use in front of them, but the drugs maDE her act bizarre, the cops came sometimes and they were afraid of her.
 

Ironbutterfly

If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
I am worn out too. Son didn't do drugs until in his 20's and was out of our home living on streets. He is 4 yrs ago then my middle son and 7 years old then my daughter. So they weren't exposed to his drug habits at all.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
My younger kids didn't see her using, but they were exposed to her behavior. Like once she put her hand through a window and the young ones were hysterical. All three were crying.

At any rate, I am protective of the innocent. My daughter knew she messed up. WSM knows why the stepfather is leery. If he really quits, he will be welcomed into the fold. It does take time to know if the person quit.

We wouldn't take a heroin addict uncle, cousin or friend on a vacation with us. We'd be afraid. The same goes for a son when younger kids are at risk. People on drugs are not in their right minds and it takes a while for the drug thinking/acting to wear off.

I also don't think we can force love between stepfather and adult kids. It took a long time for my husband and mine and ex's kids to bond.

As they told me, "I have a father."

They were right. Things settled down as Bart grew ambitious and put his life together and Princess courageously quit using. While Bart is stand offish to everyone except me and ex, Princess and husband and me and Jumper and Sonic are all very bonded. The past is a stepping stone to the future. What needs to happen now may change for all later on.

With that, I rest my case. Since I saw the effects of a drug using daughter and much younger siblings and her step father, I have a pretty good idea of how chaotic it is. But I know that with changes and time things can be great;)
 

Sister's Keeper

Active Member
Honestly, I know a LOT about heroin. I agree that most people cannot just quit, however, and this is a subject on which I will continue to harp, no one drug drug or addiction is any worse than the other. Addiction, regardless of the drug of choice, wreaks the same havoc.

There are quite of few drugs which are actually physically harmful to withdraw from. Heroin, while uncomfortable, is not life threatening.

There were more overdoses on prescription medications last year than on ALL street drugs combined.

Any drug bough illegally on the street brings with it a dangerous element. It is the nature of drug dealers. It is not strictly heroin. It is cocaine, marijuana, meth, pills.

I appreciate your experiences and how they have influenced your view point. Your experiences do not all mirror mine, therefor my view point and opinion is different from yours. On many levels.

You may continue to tell me I am wrong, and in your opinion I may be, but my opinion, based on my feelings and experiences is unchanged.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I agree an addict is an addict. Some drugs including prescription drugs are horrible

I would feel the need to protect younger children from any addict who just got out of rehab for one week and went right back to addict girlfriend. They would need to prove they were sober for longer.

CPS is a legitimate threat,if nothing else. I worried about that when daughter used and still lived at home. Not to mention we could all be arrested if addict has anything on him around us and is busted.

Unfortunately in my world which did include young children and I drug addict, I protected the innocent young ones over my daughter. She has never bern angry about this. She has a child herself now. She understands and doesn't allow tobacco in her house. That includes the other grandmother.

When people use drugs, others who love them are sometimes forced to chose between members of their own family if there are multiple kids. Or if the addict has a history of disregard for others and dangerous behavior. One week does not prove a person is safe and sober.

Who caused us to have to choose or to risk even worse possibilities? The adult who uses, be it a husband, a father, a brother,various cousins, a BFF or an adult child.

The family will survive this once the addiction is truly a past event in, say, a year. The adult son knows he messed up and will admit his part in this once he is clean and sober. If he wants to be a functional, safe part of the family (and there is no indication yet that he does) then he will quit. No, it isn't easy. The best things aren't easy. I do not think of this as a punishment. I see it as a safety issue with the younger kids. I wouldn't place them too close to a fire. I wouldn't take a close up and personal family vacation with younger kids and an addict, even my own kid. Too risky. My daughter who used meth once would NEVER let an addict near her baby. She has little sympathy for drug addicts, having been one who overcame it.

Obviously I am not really talking to you since you are not in this situation. I am mostly addressing WSM. My mind us also set. I am not seeing this as a ploy to change one another's minds. I will never be in such a situation again as my grown kids are not on drugs and I have no minor children.

Peace!!!
 
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worried sick mother

Active Member
My concern is the minor kids, but I had my say and agree with Insane on this. Whether or not he e,posed the rest of the family to heroin before, it could easily happen on a vacation where everyone has to be in close contact. Heroin. Is not easy to kick. It is dangerous.

He had a Vivitrol injection so it wouldn't do him any good to use right now.
 

rebelson

Active Member
I do not know enough about your son and how long he was in rehab, to give much input. My own son has been in rehab for over 60 days, and he sounds very clear, lucid and is acting like a normal human being! If it were 'us' in your situation with a trip coming up, and son was mentally where he is now, at this point, he'd be ok to come with us. Though, I'd still be nervous.

Even 2 weeks after entering the detox place, he was still acting erratically. It took a good month, of him being in, to show consistent clarity. So, to me, my decision would depend on how long your son has been 'clean and sober'.

Like a few posters, I agree, in that the rehab was a very positive move for him to make. And having him on your trip, could also be a very positive thing, sort of a start of a new beginning for him. There are also many other unknown variables that I am not privy to, to give an informed decision, that would maybe change my thoughts on this.

As for him hemming and hawing on giving you an answer last year as to whether he wanted to attend trip. I totally understand that. My son, while using, does the SAME thing. Won't give an answer for anything! Avoid avoid avoid. How many times in the last 4yrs that I offered to fly him up here for a visit and it was like pulling teeth to get him to commit to a few visits. Then, when he was up here, he wanted to leave a few days early, every time. I think it's an addict thing? They wanna get back to their familiar 'routine'?

Having said that, our situation mirrors yours in that my son and my husband are not related. My son has really hurt my husband (feelings-wise) and also has gotten in his face (many years ago) when he was under the influence of whatever he was using that day. My husband has not forgotten these things. I know he is really hurt by them, still. Their relationship is frayed...in need of mending. My son needs to make amends to his stepfather. He sort of did last month when I went down for Family Session, but it was 'via me' because he had no phone access. "Hey, can you tell 'C' that I am sorry?"

I am sorry your husband is putting you in the middle, and he seems more concerned about the $. Personally, I would never allow myself to be in the middle like he seems to be doing to you. I put my husband first but I still will not tolerate any harsh judgement or criticism of my son, either. Not that this happens often. Even though my husband has 'unresolved issues' with my son, if it came to me removing myself from the trip, he'd intervene in a positive way. And he would not allow me to not go. If I persisted, he'd cancel the whole thing. I think I would be like you, and want my son to go! Unless there were more to the story that, again, I am not privy to. I think the idea of son going for half the trip, is great as well. Even with their past, I think my husband would cave and allow him to come. My husband does love my son and want the best for him, but he will not allow my son to hurt him, so he's kind of stepped back and has no interactions with son at all (via phone, son is 500 miles away). My husband also has anger at son for what husband sees me go through, on a daily basis, re: worrying, fretting, obsessing, etc.

I don't know what else to say and, again, I am sorry that you are in this predicament to where you have to completely remove yourself from this vacation. Is the trip so close that there is no way to work something out with your hub?

In the end, whatever happens with trip, I think this situation is an eye-opener for you and your husband. Showing that there are some real issues (as Copa said, 'elephant in the room'), that need to be addressed.

((hugs to you))
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
WSM:

I have been away for a few days. Wow so many theories on this thread.

I know your decision is made but a big concern for me (and I don't think it was mentioned) would have been having your son around on your trip if you and your husband drink. I know we drink on vacations but I would not be comfortable about doing that around my son who is also newly sober. Yet to me being on vacation means it's okay to have some cocktails being that we are only social drinkers.

I am married to my difficult child's father. I also have an older son from my first marriage who has thankfully done all the right things. My husband is a good man but I honestly don't know how he would feel about all the things our son has done if he weren't HIS son. He also is not a "talker" but I think would try to be fair but I am like momma bear with my boys and we had some issues of him feeling I coddled my older son when we were first married but we all do what we do for our own reasons.

Good luck and hugs and do what is best for you. I agree with that! My husband and I went to family therapy when we were first married due to some issues with blending our families and this may be a good thing for you. It would be great to get your feelings out in the open with your husband.
 

GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
Well, I'm pretty sure Vivitrol is given monthly, and from what little research Iv'e done, it actually lasts at least 45 days before the effect begins to wear off. Some patients have reported as much as 30 days. The big risk is that the patient will OD while trying to get high while on Vivitrol.

The one thing that bothers me about all of this is that the OP's husband sounds like a real "jerk", and I don't think he is one. I think he is hurting and confused, and by avoiding her son, he avoids stirring up internal turmoil and pain.

Unfortunately, he also is "unable" to talk about his feelings. and OP has allowed him to take a dominant role in the marriage.

THAT is really what this post is about, not a vacation and who goes on it.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I don't think he's a jerk either.

Often one partner takes control if the other is passive. Common dynamic.

Lots of people, men and woman, are bad at expressing themselves. Sometimes marital therapy helps. My husband aND I both struggle with this. You can't insist that somebody without this skill communicate well. Often they don't know how and it gets even worse.

Maybe this situation calls for a marital therapist
Unfortunately many people who need the help communicating will not see a therapist.
 

rebelson

Active Member
Unfortunately many people who need the help communicating will not see a therapist.
Ain't that the truth. Though my husband is a wonderful caretaker, provider and helper (he does much around the house!)....he is absolutely AWFUL at communicating. In fact, I have to say that in the 20yrs that I've known him, pretty much 90% of our fights stem from his poor communication. Will he agree to therapy? Nope. I think he would though, if I pushed him against a wall and threatened divorce. But, men, in general are poor communicators.

I never attached the word 'jerk' though, to WSM's hub. In this case, it's likely.......................................................poor communicator. o_O
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
When my husband went with me (just a few times when we first got married) his sisters couldn't believe it! Of course we've been to lots together with our son. He just isn't into sitting around talking about "feelings", similar to our son. Very uncomfortable for either of them.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
My husband and I both went to my therapist a few times during communication trouble spots. But I could tell he felt uncomfortable.

Men are not taught to communicate. Many can't. In my case, I will try, but often can't get my point across so it is frustrating. Many woman are taught to hold it in and they can't talk it out well either. If people try to communicate, and one or both can't, sometimes the message gets messed up and things end up even worse.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I feel so sad thinking about WSM and how this is affecting her. I don't remember if the adult children who are going are his children, or theirs together. My husband has one adult daughter, who on the surface never got in to trouble. I have one son, who did get in to trouble with drugs. Mostly after hurting his back at 18, then having to have spinal fusion surgery at 28. Yes, he used drugs.

But, after all the difficulties we went thru, he was never rude or mean or threatened us or stole fron us. But Step daughter always made me feel second class and worthless. She would ask us why we hosted exchange students, why we travelled to visit them, why spend our time and money to travel and see them. Etc...

If I had to select one child to make decisions for me if I was unable to...it would be my son. Not because he is my bio child, but because he always was concerned for me... Even when things were difficult, I never questioned his concern for me...

It seems like WSM's husband isn't concerned about her feelings at all. This incident is the tip of the ice berg... It is just all so sad. And I get it. I put on a happy face when DSD is around... But husband can be rather ignoring of my DS. I get it, because we are raising his kids...mostly because of a poor court system who forced this situation because the girls mom was a basket case. DS divorced her, but the court was afraid if he had them, they would have contact with bio mom...

My heart hurts...for me, for WSM, for all of us dealing with the aftermath...KSM
 

worried sick mother

Active Member
Well I have an update. I have read every response and appreciate all the support so much. I'll answer a few of the questions ask, I don't know how to quote on something, I only use this on my phone. My son has never caused any danger to our younger children, he lives in another town and has really avoided us. He has had some terrible things happen to him due to his choices but these terrible things were to him and he didn't bother us, it's more me be obsessed with what was going on with him, he has done a lot of bad things but not to us. I will share sometime in the future.
RN ask me if we like to have cocktails on vacation and how it would affect him and yes we do but he doesn't like drinking, he obviously preferred the hard core drugs but I May refrain from any cocktails which won't bother me at all, I don't think it will bother him for my husband to have drinks because he has always even at home. My husband just had a beer in front of him when he recently visited and it didn't seem to cause any issues.
We are both going on the trip!! My kids were not happy about me not going and my husband finally just said do whatever makes u happy so that's what I did. He's still being very cold and hateful to me though so he obviously resents it, he's even sleeping in a different bed. This may be a disaster but I'm sure praying it's not. My son will be leaving 2 days from vacation before we do.
My son has a doctor appointment the day before we leave to get his second Vivitrol injection, he's getting it a few days early because it's due while we are gone on the trip and I refused to let him go if he didn't get it. He has to be drug tested and it has to be negative or they will not give it to him. My mother is going to the appointment with him so I will know if he doesn't receive it or pass the drug test.
I wanted my son to go on this trip, I want us to have this time together as a family creating memories. I also won't have to worry about him while I'm there because I'll know he's safe. That will be a first in many years. I know he's an adult and I don't plan to take him on our vacations for the rest of our lives but this is a special vacation. If you guys want to know the truth, I'm afraid my son might not be alive next year, month, week or even tomorrow so I just want to cherish this time with him. I want this memory. I'm so very scared for what his future holds. This is for me, so I can enjoy not only him but the rest of my family together.
As far as my relationship with my husband goes, he is definitely the dominant one, everything is always his way, I used to fight for my rights but I'm so beat down by him and the situation with my son that I've pretty much just accepted it to keep peace. I also have a fear that if I didn't and we split up that my other children could end up like my son, not only would I have to deal with that alone but if I ever did remarry or have another partner that they would treat or feel about my children (even if they didn't do the things my son has done)the way my husband feels and treats my son. I do love my husband very much also.
I will update when we return and I sure hope and pray it's a good update.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
I am glad you are going on the trip, WSM.

Maybe you and your hubby can have some alone time to rekindle your romance and get back on the same page.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
WSM your post made me cry. I am emotional today anyway.

I am glad you are going. You sound like such a wonderful person.

Please enjoy yourself and don't try to make everyone else happy on the vacation. Make yourself happy.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I'm glad you are going too. I did not realize you are afraid your son may not be alive later on...this is so sad. I'm so sorry you have this fear. This did not enter my mind. I am sorry for not being sensitive enough. Please forgive me. That is one fear that I had not taken into consideration, and it is a huge one.

I get every reason you stay with husband. Having kids is often a big factor in staying as kids often do get messed up after a divorce. My daughter reacted poorly. Drugs STARTED right after that and kids can also take sides. I get that we have to think about our own happiness...but I stayed for a very long time because of the kids in my first marriage. If hub will go to marital counseling, that could help. My first hub would not go until I filed for divorce...screwy.

I hope you all have a great time!!
 
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