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Need feedback from parents who went through nasty divorces
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 551487" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I'm sorry MWM, </p><p></p><p>I'm also sorry for your grandson because ALL the things that you are seeing now? Is a glimpse of the future. The ONLY thing that is going to really help your grandson is IF his FATHER (with or without his Mother) gets into therapy and takes the kid with him. IF he starts NOW? At age 4.....He may be straightened out by the time he's in High school......seriously. The kid has been through hell. AND it's changed how a 4 year old NOT put under those circumstances would think - and thus even at 4? He has developed patterns and thinking, and logic based on his world.........changing that is HARD, HUGE and takes a LONG time..with the right people and ONLY works if the people arund him (ie MOM and Dad) REALIZE things like "Well you know what? It WAS NOT ALL her, or him.....and I do have issues that are affecting my son, his behavior, his personality...and they can yell in the bedroom all night and think that kid didn't hear it......But that's a load of manure. He's heard. AND based on his fears, his insecurities? He has developed COPING mechanisms ON HIS OWN....that are what you see in his "bad" behavior. At 4 years old - he's not really responsible for the things that went on around him that he couldn't escape --------he just did the best he could, with a 4 year old mind and created a place he could deal with - and the acting out - is the fall out from the rest of it. Getting him to change? DOOABLE......not easy - even at 4. </p><p></p><p>Take it or leave it - but I know this is fact.....and I know that ALL the talks in the world aren't going to make a hill of beans to him. It's not that you're not good Grandparents ------You're just NOT a therapist. AND trust me KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW???? ABout MY SON???? Holy smokes - I would flippin move if there hadn't been any resources for him.....because even with 15 years of therapy, conseling, group homes, RTCs, psychiatric wards, Department of Juvenile Justice? He's STILL ------himself. New and improved - but without the other things we did to help him? He'd be in the ground with his brothers, or in prison for life I am SURE at 20 yoa. So even with all the interventions? We got a kid that still behaves like our Dude does.....</p><p></p><p>Don't wait until he's 7 years old to start this - To me that's three years wasted. And that is HUGE in trying to undo whats been done. Intentional or not. </p><p></p><p>And as far as telling your son what's up? Well - I think I'd find someone better than me to find a way to change his mind.......but whatever you have to do? Do it. </p><p></p><p>ANd like hound said - CONSISTANCY......is a plus. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 551487, member: 4964"] I'm sorry MWM, I'm also sorry for your grandson because ALL the things that you are seeing now? Is a glimpse of the future. The ONLY thing that is going to really help your grandson is IF his FATHER (with or without his Mother) gets into therapy and takes the kid with him. IF he starts NOW? At age 4.....He may be straightened out by the time he's in High school......seriously. The kid has been through hell. AND it's changed how a 4 year old NOT put under those circumstances would think - and thus even at 4? He has developed patterns and thinking, and logic based on his world.........changing that is HARD, HUGE and takes a LONG time..with the right people and ONLY works if the people arund him (ie MOM and Dad) REALIZE things like "Well you know what? It WAS NOT ALL her, or him.....and I do have issues that are affecting my son, his behavior, his personality...and they can yell in the bedroom all night and think that kid didn't hear it......But that's a load of manure. He's heard. AND based on his fears, his insecurities? He has developed COPING mechanisms ON HIS OWN....that are what you see in his "bad" behavior. At 4 years old - he's not really responsible for the things that went on around him that he couldn't escape --------he just did the best he could, with a 4 year old mind and created a place he could deal with - and the acting out - is the fall out from the rest of it. Getting him to change? DOOABLE......not easy - even at 4. Take it or leave it - but I know this is fact.....and I know that ALL the talks in the world aren't going to make a hill of beans to him. It's not that you're not good Grandparents ------You're just NOT a therapist. AND trust me KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW???? ABout MY SON???? Holy smokes - I would flippin move if there hadn't been any resources for him.....because even with 15 years of therapy, conseling, group homes, RTCs, psychiatric wards, Department of Juvenile Justice? He's STILL ------himself. New and improved - but without the other things we did to help him? He'd be in the ground with his brothers, or in prison for life I am SURE at 20 yoa. So even with all the interventions? We got a kid that still behaves like our Dude does..... Don't wait until he's 7 years old to start this - To me that's three years wasted. And that is HUGE in trying to undo whats been done. Intentional or not. And as far as telling your son what's up? Well - I think I'd find someone better than me to find a way to change his mind.......but whatever you have to do? Do it. ANd like hound said - CONSISTANCY......is a plus. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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