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Need feedback from parents who went through nasty divorces
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 551538" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi all and thanks.</p><p></p><p>The parents do not fight in front of J. or talk badly about one another to him. But the situation of the divorce shocked J. and my son. My son thought his marriage was fine. daughter in law was not complaining and acted like all was normal. I had been there only two weeks before she left and she acted just like she always does. In reality, she had a boyfriend on the side and left the house (happily) without my son or J. having any warning so J. had no time to even process it. He is confused and has no idea what happened. Son is very consistent in his home, but daughter in law is very inconsistent in hers, especially with her new boyfriend and dragging J. all over the place, like he is a mini adult. He rarely gets to sleep at a decent hour and a bunch of new people are always being thrown at him. He is not the kind of kid who does well with a lot of changes, but he is being forced to. However, it seems that his angst is that he wants Mom and Dad to live together again.</p><p></p><p>J. was always a very difficult child. Now he is controlling his world and expressing his displeasure in any way he knows how...and he is showing both parents how upset he is. Very sadly (I don't agree with Son on this) neither parent will even consider a faith-based therapeutic session. daughter in law is a diehard atheist and Son is agnostic, not interested in anything to do with a church. That severely limits the therapy options. And there is nothing I can say to Son to change this. </p><p></p><p>If they don't do something fast, I see an extremely difficult and disturbed child in the future. Our genetics aren't the best, nor are DILs. We have mood disorders, anxiety out the wazoo, personality disorders and learning disabilities. On his mother's side there is depression and alcoholism. daughter in law denies anything is wrong in her family and is kind of an ti-therapy. She wanted to send J. to a secular Divorce Group for Kids, but it never happened and I personally don't think it would have been nearly enough. </p><p></p><p>Neither Son nor daughter in law can leave Missouri and keep the same custody arrangment. Son doesn't want to make J. spend the majority of the time with daughter in law and her new boyfriend. He seems worse with her (or so the babysitter told him). When Son was preparing to move to MO, he did it because he g Occupational Therapist (OT) a well paying job at a time when his job was possibly going to be fazed out. But that meant leaving the Chicago area. He had been five minutes from his father (my ex) and three hours from me. Now he is eight hours away by car (and we have two ten year old cars) and a lot of money even by Greyhound. I can't just hop to Missouri, like I could Chicago. We don't have the money for me to go there every time I wish I could. Husband and I are not going to move there. We have two kids living in Wisconsin who are likely here for good. We have one kid in Chicago who has a good job and isn't moving. We like where we live and have trouble with Missouri's incredible humidity and heat. I wish I could take J. up here with us for summers and holidays, but daughter in law would never allow that.</p><p></p><p>It hurts my grandma heart not to be able to be there to help stabilize J's life. The fact is, we can't be there. I can jump ten years ahead and see my grandson in the wrong crowd, on drugs, or suffering from some of the many mental illness ailments my son has. He is already a very anxious child. But he was tons better when Dad and Mom were together.</p><p></p><p>daughter in law was clueless. She would talk about divorce on and off to Son (but not when she was actually about to leave). When Son would bring up J., she would shrug and say, "Oh, I was so happy when my parents got divorced! He'll be happy about it too!" How clueless is that? She claims she was happy when her parents divorced. She was also four at the time...it's hard to believe it. And J. is most certainly not happy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 551538, member: 1550"] Hi all and thanks. The parents do not fight in front of J. or talk badly about one another to him. But the situation of the divorce shocked J. and my son. My son thought his marriage was fine. daughter in law was not complaining and acted like all was normal. I had been there only two weeks before she left and she acted just like she always does. In reality, she had a boyfriend on the side and left the house (happily) without my son or J. having any warning so J. had no time to even process it. He is confused and has no idea what happened. Son is very consistent in his home, but daughter in law is very inconsistent in hers, especially with her new boyfriend and dragging J. all over the place, like he is a mini adult. He rarely gets to sleep at a decent hour and a bunch of new people are always being thrown at him. He is not the kind of kid who does well with a lot of changes, but he is being forced to. However, it seems that his angst is that he wants Mom and Dad to live together again. J. was always a very difficult child. Now he is controlling his world and expressing his displeasure in any way he knows how...and he is showing both parents how upset he is. Very sadly (I don't agree with Son on this) neither parent will even consider a faith-based therapeutic session. daughter in law is a diehard atheist and Son is agnostic, not interested in anything to do with a church. That severely limits the therapy options. And there is nothing I can say to Son to change this. If they don't do something fast, I see an extremely difficult and disturbed child in the future. Our genetics aren't the best, nor are DILs. We have mood disorders, anxiety out the wazoo, personality disorders and learning disabilities. On his mother's side there is depression and alcoholism. daughter in law denies anything is wrong in her family and is kind of an ti-therapy. She wanted to send J. to a secular Divorce Group for Kids, but it never happened and I personally don't think it would have been nearly enough. Neither Son nor daughter in law can leave Missouri and keep the same custody arrangment. Son doesn't want to make J. spend the majority of the time with daughter in law and her new boyfriend. He seems worse with her (or so the babysitter told him). When Son was preparing to move to MO, he did it because he g Occupational Therapist (OT) a well paying job at a time when his job was possibly going to be fazed out. But that meant leaving the Chicago area. He had been five minutes from his father (my ex) and three hours from me. Now he is eight hours away by car (and we have two ten year old cars) and a lot of money even by Greyhound. I can't just hop to Missouri, like I could Chicago. We don't have the money for me to go there every time I wish I could. Husband and I are not going to move there. We have two kids living in Wisconsin who are likely here for good. We have one kid in Chicago who has a good job and isn't moving. We like where we live and have trouble with Missouri's incredible humidity and heat. I wish I could take J. up here with us for summers and holidays, but daughter in law would never allow that. It hurts my grandma heart not to be able to be there to help stabilize J's life. The fact is, we can't be there. I can jump ten years ahead and see my grandson in the wrong crowd, on drugs, or suffering from some of the many mental illness ailments my son has. He is already a very anxious child. But he was tons better when Dad and Mom were together. daughter in law was clueless. She would talk about divorce on and off to Son (but not when she was actually about to leave). When Son would bring up J., she would shrug and say, "Oh, I was so happy when my parents got divorced! He'll be happy about it too!" How clueless is that? She claims she was happy when her parents divorced. She was also four at the time...it's hard to believe it. And J. is most certainly not happy. [/QUOTE]
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