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Need help with an autistic teen
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 319435" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>That's really good. But there's more - you also need to sit down and really think (preferably with husband too, maybe even with Adam) and PLAN. It's the hardest part, because so often when we discipline, we do ti automatically. With these kids, you need to be mentally on your toes constantly and it's very mentally exhausting.</p><p></p><p>What you need to work out, is in advance, which battles you will engage and which you will leave. For now. You don't have to give up permanently on these things, just think about what seems to have the best chance of working. pick three and leave the rest. As he gains control in the three things you've chosen to work on with him (and a teen boy will often willingly participate in thie process at least at some level) you can re-visit and make changes. Similarly, if you choose three things to work on and seem to make no progress with one or more of them, you re-visit and re-evaluate - did we choose the wrong three things?</p><p></p><p>For example, you might choose as your three things:</p><p></p><p>1) interrupting</p><p></p><p>2) bedwetting</p><p></p><p>3) talking non-stop quoting chunks of movie script.</p><p></p><p>I forecast you will find that with interrupting you may make slight headway but with a great deal of raging and him feeling resentful. You may find with bedwetting, he willingly takes onthe task of changing and washing his bedlinen (especially if you're helping him) but doesn't go too far with the actual bedwetting, he still has trouble there. And thw quoting chunks of text - he may learn to hold back abit but when stressed or excited, it will all come back. And you will feel like you've made no progress.</p><p></p><p>In reality, you would probably have made as much progress in those areas as he was capable of at the time.</p><p></p><p>You also need to consider HOW will we work on these things. You can't simply deal with the interrupting problem by chastising him each time. Yes, he will by now be realising when he's done the wrong thing, but if you chastise each time it will be happening so often that you will always be angry with one another. Instead, talk with him and say, "We're going to work on this. I know it's difficult for you, so we need a code word maybe. What action or word will help you understand to wait before speaking?"</p><p></p><p>Some suggestions that work for us - holding up a hand (stop sign style). Or if we find difficult child 3 has interrupted to talk about something totally "random" our family code is, "If we're ordering TV antennae, I would like a pink one."</p><p></p><p>A problem from difficult child's side - they get something in their heads that they MUST communicate or fer they will forget it. Plus they have to listen to the conversation so they know when is the appropriate time to insert their point. If the concersation moves off their tiopic it can be difficult for them to identify this and also difficult for thme to also keep remembering their point. This is a very complex social skill, which is why interrupting is such a long-term problem for them, one of the last to be fixed. so now you know this, can you think of ways to help him? Because the more he ses that you really are trying to help him find ways, the more he will really value your efforts.</p><p></p><p>MWM has made a good point about your level of understanding, but perhaps it could have been expressed in a less ambigious way.</p><p>Basically - you have come late to this situation. The others have all settled into mutual behaviour patterns and accepted a lot of things that most people would not toerate. A lot of this is the compromise we all have to make due to the sometimes extreme difficulties these kids face. You weren't around when these compromises were being made.</p><p>From the sound of things, the grandparents are giving way far too much. difficult child 3's best mate lives in this sort of environment, his mother gives way constantly and lets her son do whatever he wants, choosing when to play etc. But then she gets reactive and starts insisting on instant compliance. Very mixed signals for him because she has NOT done what I suggest, and formally sat down to put strategies in place. Even if she did - she's a freee spirit, expects her son to be a free spirit by association. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way with these kids!</p><p></p><p>And thne there's another possibility - you are a fresh pair of eyes and can see things tat those too close cannot. But if that is the case, you need to tread carefully because it won't be seen that way. Not fair, but that's life.</p><p></p><p>So what can you do? You've already made a good start, if you recognise the need for clear, precise instrucitons. Avoid ambiguity. be prepared to have to say it more than once, especially if he's distracted. An autistic kid concentrating hard can literally shut off their hearing. To test this (it's fun) wait until he's next donig something he loves (for us, it's computer games). Then stand right beside him, quietly, and crinkle a chocolate wrapper. If he has fully shut off his ears, he won't her the crinkle. Most other kids would.</p><p></p><p>This ability to concentrate can be an asset, in the right place.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 described this to me once, when he was studying for his senior high school exams. He came in for lunch and said, "I need a break. I'm concentrating so hard that the silence in my head is deafening."</p><p></p><p>These kids can be very, very smart. But very, very different. They can be frustrating, but tey can also be very rewarding.</p><p></p><p>Your problems eith the grandparents - no wonder the boy is so confused, no wonder there are battles. You need to all be a united front. I sympathise with their desire to spoil the boy, but surely they can also understand how important it is for this boy to learn how to function well? he also needs to see that everybody is treated fairly, it's especially important for someone with autism. Otherwise he will grow up expecting ther world to give him more simply because he is different, and sadly the world is not like this.</p><p></p><p>Grandparents can be a headache with this sometimes - my mother in law is the only surviving grandparent and she has taken a long time to come "on board". For a long time she was in denial. "There's nothing wrong with my beautiful boy," she would insist. "He's perfectly well behaved for me."</p><p>And of course he is, if you always give him exactly what he wants. </p><p></p><p>Same with school -there, he is in a consistent environment, plus their job is to educate him. And these kids LOVE being educated, as a rule. Especially if they're bright. They know they need to learn, if there is a good brain in there, even if it's not always connecting, the kid inside is always trying to make it work for him. Any adult who is part of that process will find their work appreciated by the child. difficult child 3 loves all his teachers, including ones who were mean to him.</p><p></p><p>School has rules, it has a pattern of activity that is generally predictable and they adapt to what is te pattern. At home they try to create their own pattern of expectation, but home is different. Things change. You don't always have meat loaf on Wednesday, sometimes you have it on Thursday. Maybe you call him five minutes eafrlier for dinner. Maybe you decide it will be easier if he has his bath before dinner instead of after. Maybe someone has lent him a new computer game and he's just reached the fourth level and is doing really well, about to leap over the... and you call him for dinner.</p><p></p><p>What we've found works for us, is giving him time. If this was your husband deeply engrossed in something delicate such as repairing a swiss watch, his miniature screwdriver poised at a particularly delicate point, how would you handle it? The trick here is, - treat your autistic kid who is engrossed in his own things, with the same respect. Help him learn to prioritise by giving HIM the choice and the informaiton. Give him notice - "I'm serving up dinner in five minutes. If you're not ready, your dinner will go cold."</p><p>The punishment ifhe doesn't come when finally called tat dinner is now ready - his dinner will go cold. Nothing more. He has to learn how to heat it up for himself, or eat it cold. You didn't make it go cold. You didn't serve up cold food (unless it's salad). He is dealing with natural consequences. This is how the world works.</p><p></p><p>If you can, sit with the grandparents andwork out a plan. You need everyone on side, this means that if they are not on side, you need to back off, even if you know you are right. it's not fair, but again - do not set yourself up for failure. And you trying to make big changes which are unsupported and undermined, will beset up for BIG failure.</p><p></p><p>You do sound like you care, and you sound like you want to understand. We can help there. If you can, share the stuff here with the dad and grandparents. There is help, but an autistic kid needs to be given plenty of space to be himself (which is wat they're doing) but also needs to be pushed within his ability to handle it) what you're trying to do). it's a delicate tightrope balance.</p><p></p><p>Let us know how you're going.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 319435, member: 1991"] That's really good. But there's more - you also need to sit down and really think (preferably with husband too, maybe even with Adam) and PLAN. It's the hardest part, because so often when we discipline, we do ti automatically. With these kids, you need to be mentally on your toes constantly and it's very mentally exhausting. What you need to work out, is in advance, which battles you will engage and which you will leave. For now. You don't have to give up permanently on these things, just think about what seems to have the best chance of working. pick three and leave the rest. As he gains control in the three things you've chosen to work on with him (and a teen boy will often willingly participate in thie process at least at some level) you can re-visit and make changes. Similarly, if you choose three things to work on and seem to make no progress with one or more of them, you re-visit and re-evaluate - did we choose the wrong three things? For example, you might choose as your three things: 1) interrupting 2) bedwetting 3) talking non-stop quoting chunks of movie script. I forecast you will find that with interrupting you may make slight headway but with a great deal of raging and him feeling resentful. You may find with bedwetting, he willingly takes onthe task of changing and washing his bedlinen (especially if you're helping him) but doesn't go too far with the actual bedwetting, he still has trouble there. And thw quoting chunks of text - he may learn to hold back abit but when stressed or excited, it will all come back. And you will feel like you've made no progress. In reality, you would probably have made as much progress in those areas as he was capable of at the time. You also need to consider HOW will we work on these things. You can't simply deal with the interrupting problem by chastising him each time. Yes, he will by now be realising when he's done the wrong thing, but if you chastise each time it will be happening so often that you will always be angry with one another. Instead, talk with him and say, "We're going to work on this. I know it's difficult for you, so we need a code word maybe. What action or word will help you understand to wait before speaking?" Some suggestions that work for us - holding up a hand (stop sign style). Or if we find difficult child 3 has interrupted to talk about something totally "random" our family code is, "If we're ordering TV antennae, I would like a pink one." A problem from difficult child's side - they get something in their heads that they MUST communicate or fer they will forget it. Plus they have to listen to the conversation so they know when is the appropriate time to insert their point. If the concersation moves off their tiopic it can be difficult for them to identify this and also difficult for thme to also keep remembering their point. This is a very complex social skill, which is why interrupting is such a long-term problem for them, one of the last to be fixed. so now you know this, can you think of ways to help him? Because the more he ses that you really are trying to help him find ways, the more he will really value your efforts. MWM has made a good point about your level of understanding, but perhaps it could have been expressed in a less ambigious way. Basically - you have come late to this situation. The others have all settled into mutual behaviour patterns and accepted a lot of things that most people would not toerate. A lot of this is the compromise we all have to make due to the sometimes extreme difficulties these kids face. You weren't around when these compromises were being made. From the sound of things, the grandparents are giving way far too much. difficult child 3's best mate lives in this sort of environment, his mother gives way constantly and lets her son do whatever he wants, choosing when to play etc. But then she gets reactive and starts insisting on instant compliance. Very mixed signals for him because she has NOT done what I suggest, and formally sat down to put strategies in place. Even if she did - she's a freee spirit, expects her son to be a free spirit by association. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way with these kids! And thne there's another possibility - you are a fresh pair of eyes and can see things tat those too close cannot. But if that is the case, you need to tread carefully because it won't be seen that way. Not fair, but that's life. So what can you do? You've already made a good start, if you recognise the need for clear, precise instrucitons. Avoid ambiguity. be prepared to have to say it more than once, especially if he's distracted. An autistic kid concentrating hard can literally shut off their hearing. To test this (it's fun) wait until he's next donig something he loves (for us, it's computer games). Then stand right beside him, quietly, and crinkle a chocolate wrapper. If he has fully shut off his ears, he won't her the crinkle. Most other kids would. This ability to concentrate can be an asset, in the right place. difficult child 1 described this to me once, when he was studying for his senior high school exams. He came in for lunch and said, "I need a break. I'm concentrating so hard that the silence in my head is deafening." These kids can be very, very smart. But very, very different. They can be frustrating, but tey can also be very rewarding. Your problems eith the grandparents - no wonder the boy is so confused, no wonder there are battles. You need to all be a united front. I sympathise with their desire to spoil the boy, but surely they can also understand how important it is for this boy to learn how to function well? he also needs to see that everybody is treated fairly, it's especially important for someone with autism. Otherwise he will grow up expecting ther world to give him more simply because he is different, and sadly the world is not like this. Grandparents can be a headache with this sometimes - my mother in law is the only surviving grandparent and she has taken a long time to come "on board". For a long time she was in denial. "There's nothing wrong with my beautiful boy," she would insist. "He's perfectly well behaved for me." And of course he is, if you always give him exactly what he wants. Same with school -there, he is in a consistent environment, plus their job is to educate him. And these kids LOVE being educated, as a rule. Especially if they're bright. They know they need to learn, if there is a good brain in there, even if it's not always connecting, the kid inside is always trying to make it work for him. Any adult who is part of that process will find their work appreciated by the child. difficult child 3 loves all his teachers, including ones who were mean to him. School has rules, it has a pattern of activity that is generally predictable and they adapt to what is te pattern. At home they try to create their own pattern of expectation, but home is different. Things change. You don't always have meat loaf on Wednesday, sometimes you have it on Thursday. Maybe you call him five minutes eafrlier for dinner. Maybe you decide it will be easier if he has his bath before dinner instead of after. Maybe someone has lent him a new computer game and he's just reached the fourth level and is doing really well, about to leap over the... and you call him for dinner. What we've found works for us, is giving him time. If this was your husband deeply engrossed in something delicate such as repairing a swiss watch, his miniature screwdriver poised at a particularly delicate point, how would you handle it? The trick here is, - treat your autistic kid who is engrossed in his own things, with the same respect. Help him learn to prioritise by giving HIM the choice and the informaiton. Give him notice - "I'm serving up dinner in five minutes. If you're not ready, your dinner will go cold." The punishment ifhe doesn't come when finally called tat dinner is now ready - his dinner will go cold. Nothing more. He has to learn how to heat it up for himself, or eat it cold. You didn't make it go cold. You didn't serve up cold food (unless it's salad). He is dealing with natural consequences. This is how the world works. If you can, sit with the grandparents andwork out a plan. You need everyone on side, this means that if they are not on side, you need to back off, even if you know you are right. it's not fair, but again - do not set yourself up for failure. And you trying to make big changes which are unsupported and undermined, will beset up for BIG failure. You do sound like you care, and you sound like you want to understand. We can help there. If you can, share the stuff here with the dad and grandparents. There is help, but an autistic kid needs to be given plenty of space to be himself (which is wat they're doing) but also needs to be pushed within his ability to handle it) what you're trying to do). it's a delicate tightrope balance. Let us know how you're going. Marg [/QUOTE]
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