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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 319468" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I understand your anger, but he's not doing this out of any attempt to manipulate. I know that can be hard to beleive - but there's really not much, if any, guile in these kids. In his mind, he really DOES beleive that it is your job to change the sheets, to do the laundry, to make it all magically just HAPPEN. </p><p></p><p>Why does he believe this? Because it's always been this way in his world.</p><p></p><p>And now you come in there, the first he kbows about it is you walk in and begin making a fuss and start to scold him. You sound angry and annoyed and tell him that the magic fairy making it all happen 9according to how life has taught him to expect things) is coming to a screeching halt. Of course he is going to accuse you of being lazy and trying to get out of work (Hey, Marg's Man, you getting all this? Is this ringing your bells, this being called lazy just for trying to get him to take a turn at the chores?)</p><p></p><p>In case you hadn't gathered, this has been happening in our household too. </p><p></p><p>There are two big reasons for why you're copping it at the moment (and why my husband is copping it too).</p><p></p><p>1) You've announced a sudden change in the rules, without him working out for himself why the rules as he understood them are wrong.</p><p></p><p>2) You're the one who in the past has tried to make big changes and lay down the law and it has scared him because it is so different. He needs a diffferent way of being led to the changes.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying it can't happen, but you need a more productive way.</p><p></p><p>In other words - you're doing the right thing, but in the wrong order.</p><p></p><p>First - he needs to understand that while he was a child, things were done for him. Everyone has tasks in life they have to do, children have fewer expectations for safety reasons and for compassionate reasons. But when he is an adult he won't necessarily have anyone to do these things for him. He needs to begin to learn, NOW, how to look after himself. What if you got hit by a bus or had to go away on holiday somewhere? Who would do these things for him? And even if he does expect you to continue to do all this, you need this to be a two-way street to make it more effective. It also isn't allowed to be just about you and him, this has to be about a change in the entire household on these issues. </p><p></p><p>In our household, husband is not the step-parent, but in some ways it works for difficult child 3 as if he is. In the past, husband has been the strict martinet (army training) with the expectations that a son of his will toe the line and be a man. husband is a darlnig man, but when he's tired or stressed, he snaps back to what he understands best, to what is in his own background. Ands this is exactly what DOESN'T work for difficult child 3. Every time it happens, it undermines the progress they've made together. To move forward, we try to organise fun things, bloke things, for them to do together. Even the chors, we try to keep them on a teamwork basis. It gets away from the "I'm punishing you" aspect and back to "We all have to work as a team" approach.</p><p></p><p>You need the team approach if oyu're going to recruit difficult child to this necessary change.</p><p></p><p>It needs a change in mind-set. I get yelled at on this site for saying this, perhaps because people don't always understand that I'm not saying you're wrong; only that you're wrong for this child at this particular time. And there is no way you could have predicted this, unless you were already in this kid's head.</p><p></p><p>But thta is what you need to do. If you can fully understand the inside of this kid's head, you will have an idea of how he will react if you do X or Y. </p><p></p><p>You also won't always get it right, either. You WILL get it wrong sometimes. We all do. The trick is to get it right as much as possible, and if you get it wrong to fix it as soon as possible.</p><p></p><p>What went wrong here -</p><p></p><p>1) There was a sudden change in the rules and you were obviously angry with him and he didn't know why the sudden change. It's always been OK before.</p><p></p><p>2) You reacted to what he said and you got angry. But if he gets angry because of what you've said, it only makes you angrier. So why are you allowed to be angry, and him not?</p><p>(Note - I'm not saying you're wrong - this is how he sees it. And this is where you have to begin, with him where he is. Because it's all he has).</p><p></p><p>Going back over it all, I think you do needto sit down with him at a time when there isn't an immediate need to do things, and tlak it all through. You need his dad on side and forewrned and between you and his dad, you need to work out what to say. You both (you and husband) need to agree ahead of time to not react, even when difficult child accuses you the way he did (and yes, it hurts). You can politely correct, you don't have to turn into a doormat, but try to remember - this kid simply doesn't know that what he is saying, is not the truth. He is getting angry because the goal posts are moving and he cannot control this. Allowing him some input can give him back a feeling of control (and it's OK for the kid to have control, parents don't always have to drive, all we need to do is steer).</p><p></p><p>Next step - talk to difficult child. "Hey, honey, you're growing up and getting older. I'm also getting older and more tired. We all need to work together and help one another. Instead of you being the child and us the adults, you need to learn and get ready for the day when you will be an adult and need to know how to do things for yourself. THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT. Because it is WAS punishment, then crikey, I must have been very evil to have to do all that I do!, No, this is just stuff that has to be done. I'm not saying that from now on you have to always do it all. But I need to know that you know how to, and after all, you need clean sheets don't you? I can't always keep up, especially if I don't find out because you've forgotten to tell me or been too busy."</p><p></p><p>That's the approach to take. He will protest. Stay calm. He will say some outrageous tings. Remembe, he beleives them to be true, because he simply doesn't know any better. You are trying to do the equivalent of teaching him all about nuclear physics, when all he has known is the internal combustion motor. He will need time to absorb the new information and he will need this to be told more than once. With patience.</p><p></p><p>[Note: as I'm trying to type this, difficult child 3 has come in to talk to me several times, about different things each time. I say to him, "I'm busy, you're interrupting my train of thought," and he just keeps right on gonig as soon as I've finished speaking. We're working on this but making very alow progress because for him, the drive to say what is important TO HIM is greater than his ability Occupational Therapist (OT) recognise things from my point of view].</p><p></p><p>WHat you next do is go to te cupboard with difficult child and look to see how well-stocked are the clean sheets. If they're there, you both say, "Good. We have plenty, for now. Let's both try and keep score on how well supplied we can keep this. You try to let me know when you use them and we'll both try to work together to keep this working."</p><p></p><p>Your next stop is the laundry. Is there washing waiting to be done? Then both of you together, work through how it's done. Tell him that his dad has to know how, as well. Everybody in the house has to follow these rules. The reason (and reasons are vital) isbecause clean is always better than dirty. if there is a sudden run on clean sheets (what if you begin to wet the bed? Or husband? It could happen...) then you need to know that you will all be ready. It's simply good practice.</p><p></p><p>Next stop is his bedroom. And your bedroom. Check your bed. Are the sheets clean and dry? If they're due to be changed, then do it now. Show him that you and husband change your own bed. Maybe even get him to help you, if you can (but don't force it). Then keep talking as you take yours to the laundry.</p><p></p><p>Then go to his room and work with him to strip his bed, if it's needed. </p><p></p><p>The aim is to work together.</p><p></p><p>Our ultimate aim is for him to do it for himself, but there are a number of obstacles in the way for this at the moment:</p><p></p><p>1) He's never had to before, you're imposing a change on him without notice and he doesn't understand why</p><p></p><p>2) He lacks the mental connection between the wet bed/need to change sheets/need to wash them myself to save someone else MY work/need to follow through and not get distracted</p><p></p><p>3) He doesn't fully understand the individual steps and finds the entire process looming up before him like a skyscraper he's expected to climb, and it's easier to dig his heels in and scream, "NO!"</p><p></p><p>If instead he can see you standing there ready to walk him through it, he is going to be a bit more capable of giving it a go. But not of he's feelnig angry and resentful.</p><p></p><p>And here we come back to "Explosive Child". It is a way of negotiating with the child, a way of learning what sets the kid off and what calms him down, and how to use tis to help prevent an explosion and a faster return to calmness.</p><p>It doesn't take long for the child to realise that you're trying to help him stay calm. Our kids really don't like how itfeels when they rage. So as they learn you're trying to help, they do begin to value you for this. The more successful you are, the faster he will value what you are doing for him, in trying to keep him calm.</p><p></p><p>Forget about attidue. This isn't about his attitude, it never is with autistics. They really don't get it, so when you punish "attitude" they just see that you're punishing them for who they are. They really can't help it.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying thta you have to put up with this for ever more - you don't. But this isn't the way. There is a better way that works, but it takes time.</p><p></p><p>I went through similar problems with difficult child 1. I forget exactly what we were talking about (and I DID get reactive and angry, even though I'm preaching here about staying calm!) but basically he said something about, "I don't need to learn how to do X. I have you to do that for me. You enjoy doing it, I don't. So why should I have to learn how?"</p><p></p><p>I quickly set him straight. I DON'T enjoy doing it, but if I stop, then the household falls apart. If I don't have to do it all, then I am free to do other things, often things he also would like me to do for him. I too thought difficult child 1 was being insolent, but he was in fact genuinely surprisedwhen I said it was NOT my job, I did not enjoy doing it, I did it because it needed to be done and for the time being, I had taken it on myself to do it. But I didn't intend to keep doing it, he would have to learn or I would walk away and go on strike.</p><p></p><p>Now to practicalities - what sort of protector are you using? We have a vinyl sheet, it's the same sort of vinyl used in upholstery as a leather substitute. It doesn't crinkle the way plastic does so it's quieter and more comfortable to sleep on. The vinyl sheet is waterproof but if the bed gets wet, we just wipe it down with a damp cloth that has a bit of bleach in it, then wipe it down again with a cloth damp with plain water. It then gets dried down and put back on the bed. About five minutes airing, and the fresh sheets can go on. </p><p></p><p>We began teaching our kids to at the very least strip their own wet beds from the age of 5. Not a punishment, simply a management strategy. We'd help them drag the clothes to the laundry and show them how to load them into the washing machine.</p><p></p><p>And another interesting thing with the washing machine and autistics - front-loaders especially play right into their Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies. When our front-loader arrived and I was putting it through its paces, I found both boys sitting in front of the machine in the laundry, watching through the tiny window. Their heads were moving in unison, this way and that. This way, and that. difficult child 1, aged about 16 at the time, said, "I don't know why, but I find tihs strangely compelling."</p><p>They also souvenired the packing crate and turned it into a retreat. They filled it with cushions, cut a small hole in one side (facing thr TV or the computer games, ofcourse) then threading the game controller leads through the hole, climbed in. difficult child 1 did his schoolwork in the box.</p><p></p><p>Eventually the box fell apart and ended up in the recycling, but it was interesting to see the boys work together to make something they wanted, that suited their needs, for a short while. They experimented with it, adapted it, fiddled with it and generally were happy as pigs in mud. And of course we now understand why autistic kids especially, love tihs sort of thing.</p><p></p><p>So treat it as a game, as a special honour to be allowed to do this. To be trusted to do it. </p><p></p><p>Another big tip - use an incentive. Some people call them bribes. The best bribe always is the gifdt of your time, spent exclusively on him. The more he helps, the more time you have for him. because of course, if you would have been ready to play cards with him, except you're still changing his bed for him, then he misses out on your time (or gets less of it) But if you can work together and get it done more quickly (even if you have to fudge it a bit, pretend it helped) then he gets to have a game with you.</p><p></p><p>If it's computer games, try Mario Party (if he has those). Set a specific time, or some other limit and stick to it. But if he gets upset when the time is up, then promise another opportunity soon. Maybe next day, if he can help you save time in something else.</p><p></p><p>Autistic kids respond to logic and calm repetition.</p><p></p><p>Read "Explosive Child" Get it out of the library. You will recognise the boy in the first few pargraphs, I'm betting.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. take a few deep breaths. You're on the road now, you will get there.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 319468, member: 1991"] I understand your anger, but he's not doing this out of any attempt to manipulate. I know that can be hard to beleive - but there's really not much, if any, guile in these kids. In his mind, he really DOES beleive that it is your job to change the sheets, to do the laundry, to make it all magically just HAPPEN. Why does he believe this? Because it's always been this way in his world. And now you come in there, the first he kbows about it is you walk in and begin making a fuss and start to scold him. You sound angry and annoyed and tell him that the magic fairy making it all happen 9according to how life has taught him to expect things) is coming to a screeching halt. Of course he is going to accuse you of being lazy and trying to get out of work (Hey, Marg's Man, you getting all this? Is this ringing your bells, this being called lazy just for trying to get him to take a turn at the chores?) In case you hadn't gathered, this has been happening in our household too. There are two big reasons for why you're copping it at the moment (and why my husband is copping it too). 1) You've announced a sudden change in the rules, without him working out for himself why the rules as he understood them are wrong. 2) You're the one who in the past has tried to make big changes and lay down the law and it has scared him because it is so different. He needs a diffferent way of being led to the changes. I'm not saying it can't happen, but you need a more productive way. In other words - you're doing the right thing, but in the wrong order. First - he needs to understand that while he was a child, things were done for him. Everyone has tasks in life they have to do, children have fewer expectations for safety reasons and for compassionate reasons. But when he is an adult he won't necessarily have anyone to do these things for him. He needs to begin to learn, NOW, how to look after himself. What if you got hit by a bus or had to go away on holiday somewhere? Who would do these things for him? And even if he does expect you to continue to do all this, you need this to be a two-way street to make it more effective. It also isn't allowed to be just about you and him, this has to be about a change in the entire household on these issues. In our household, husband is not the step-parent, but in some ways it works for difficult child 3 as if he is. In the past, husband has been the strict martinet (army training) with the expectations that a son of his will toe the line and be a man. husband is a darlnig man, but when he's tired or stressed, he snaps back to what he understands best, to what is in his own background. Ands this is exactly what DOESN'T work for difficult child 3. Every time it happens, it undermines the progress they've made together. To move forward, we try to organise fun things, bloke things, for them to do together. Even the chors, we try to keep them on a teamwork basis. It gets away from the "I'm punishing you" aspect and back to "We all have to work as a team" approach. You need the team approach if oyu're going to recruit difficult child to this necessary change. It needs a change in mind-set. I get yelled at on this site for saying this, perhaps because people don't always understand that I'm not saying you're wrong; only that you're wrong for this child at this particular time. And there is no way you could have predicted this, unless you were already in this kid's head. But thta is what you need to do. If you can fully understand the inside of this kid's head, you will have an idea of how he will react if you do X or Y. You also won't always get it right, either. You WILL get it wrong sometimes. We all do. The trick is to get it right as much as possible, and if you get it wrong to fix it as soon as possible. What went wrong here - 1) There was a sudden change in the rules and you were obviously angry with him and he didn't know why the sudden change. It's always been OK before. 2) You reacted to what he said and you got angry. But if he gets angry because of what you've said, it only makes you angrier. So why are you allowed to be angry, and him not? (Note - I'm not saying you're wrong - this is how he sees it. And this is where you have to begin, with him where he is. Because it's all he has). Going back over it all, I think you do needto sit down with him at a time when there isn't an immediate need to do things, and tlak it all through. You need his dad on side and forewrned and between you and his dad, you need to work out what to say. You both (you and husband) need to agree ahead of time to not react, even when difficult child accuses you the way he did (and yes, it hurts). You can politely correct, you don't have to turn into a doormat, but try to remember - this kid simply doesn't know that what he is saying, is not the truth. He is getting angry because the goal posts are moving and he cannot control this. Allowing him some input can give him back a feeling of control (and it's OK for the kid to have control, parents don't always have to drive, all we need to do is steer). Next step - talk to difficult child. "Hey, honey, you're growing up and getting older. I'm also getting older and more tired. We all need to work together and help one another. Instead of you being the child and us the adults, you need to learn and get ready for the day when you will be an adult and need to know how to do things for yourself. THIS IS NOT PUNISHMENT. Because it is WAS punishment, then crikey, I must have been very evil to have to do all that I do!, No, this is just stuff that has to be done. I'm not saying that from now on you have to always do it all. But I need to know that you know how to, and after all, you need clean sheets don't you? I can't always keep up, especially if I don't find out because you've forgotten to tell me or been too busy." That's the approach to take. He will protest. Stay calm. He will say some outrageous tings. Remembe, he beleives them to be true, because he simply doesn't know any better. You are trying to do the equivalent of teaching him all about nuclear physics, when all he has known is the internal combustion motor. He will need time to absorb the new information and he will need this to be told more than once. With patience. [Note: as I'm trying to type this, difficult child 3 has come in to talk to me several times, about different things each time. I say to him, "I'm busy, you're interrupting my train of thought," and he just keeps right on gonig as soon as I've finished speaking. We're working on this but making very alow progress because for him, the drive to say what is important TO HIM is greater than his ability Occupational Therapist (OT) recognise things from my point of view]. WHat you next do is go to te cupboard with difficult child and look to see how well-stocked are the clean sheets. If they're there, you both say, "Good. We have plenty, for now. Let's both try and keep score on how well supplied we can keep this. You try to let me know when you use them and we'll both try to work together to keep this working." Your next stop is the laundry. Is there washing waiting to be done? Then both of you together, work through how it's done. Tell him that his dad has to know how, as well. Everybody in the house has to follow these rules. The reason (and reasons are vital) isbecause clean is always better than dirty. if there is a sudden run on clean sheets (what if you begin to wet the bed? Or husband? It could happen...) then you need to know that you will all be ready. It's simply good practice. Next stop is his bedroom. And your bedroom. Check your bed. Are the sheets clean and dry? If they're due to be changed, then do it now. Show him that you and husband change your own bed. Maybe even get him to help you, if you can (but don't force it). Then keep talking as you take yours to the laundry. Then go to his room and work with him to strip his bed, if it's needed. The aim is to work together. Our ultimate aim is for him to do it for himself, but there are a number of obstacles in the way for this at the moment: 1) He's never had to before, you're imposing a change on him without notice and he doesn't understand why 2) He lacks the mental connection between the wet bed/need to change sheets/need to wash them myself to save someone else MY work/need to follow through and not get distracted 3) He doesn't fully understand the individual steps and finds the entire process looming up before him like a skyscraper he's expected to climb, and it's easier to dig his heels in and scream, "NO!" If instead he can see you standing there ready to walk him through it, he is going to be a bit more capable of giving it a go. But not of he's feelnig angry and resentful. And here we come back to "Explosive Child". It is a way of negotiating with the child, a way of learning what sets the kid off and what calms him down, and how to use tis to help prevent an explosion and a faster return to calmness. It doesn't take long for the child to realise that you're trying to help him stay calm. Our kids really don't like how itfeels when they rage. So as they learn you're trying to help, they do begin to value you for this. The more successful you are, the faster he will value what you are doing for him, in trying to keep him calm. Forget about attidue. This isn't about his attitude, it never is with autistics. They really don't get it, so when you punish "attitude" they just see that you're punishing them for who they are. They really can't help it. I'm not saying thta you have to put up with this for ever more - you don't. But this isn't the way. There is a better way that works, but it takes time. I went through similar problems with difficult child 1. I forget exactly what we were talking about (and I DID get reactive and angry, even though I'm preaching here about staying calm!) but basically he said something about, "I don't need to learn how to do X. I have you to do that for me. You enjoy doing it, I don't. So why should I have to learn how?" I quickly set him straight. I DON'T enjoy doing it, but if I stop, then the household falls apart. If I don't have to do it all, then I am free to do other things, often things he also would like me to do for him. I too thought difficult child 1 was being insolent, but he was in fact genuinely surprisedwhen I said it was NOT my job, I did not enjoy doing it, I did it because it needed to be done and for the time being, I had taken it on myself to do it. But I didn't intend to keep doing it, he would have to learn or I would walk away and go on strike. Now to practicalities - what sort of protector are you using? We have a vinyl sheet, it's the same sort of vinyl used in upholstery as a leather substitute. It doesn't crinkle the way plastic does so it's quieter and more comfortable to sleep on. The vinyl sheet is waterproof but if the bed gets wet, we just wipe it down with a damp cloth that has a bit of bleach in it, then wipe it down again with a cloth damp with plain water. It then gets dried down and put back on the bed. About five minutes airing, and the fresh sheets can go on. We began teaching our kids to at the very least strip their own wet beds from the age of 5. Not a punishment, simply a management strategy. We'd help them drag the clothes to the laundry and show them how to load them into the washing machine. And another interesting thing with the washing machine and autistics - front-loaders especially play right into their Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies. When our front-loader arrived and I was putting it through its paces, I found both boys sitting in front of the machine in the laundry, watching through the tiny window. Their heads were moving in unison, this way and that. This way, and that. difficult child 1, aged about 16 at the time, said, "I don't know why, but I find tihs strangely compelling." They also souvenired the packing crate and turned it into a retreat. They filled it with cushions, cut a small hole in one side (facing thr TV or the computer games, ofcourse) then threading the game controller leads through the hole, climbed in. difficult child 1 did his schoolwork in the box. Eventually the box fell apart and ended up in the recycling, but it was interesting to see the boys work together to make something they wanted, that suited their needs, for a short while. They experimented with it, adapted it, fiddled with it and generally were happy as pigs in mud. And of course we now understand why autistic kids especially, love tihs sort of thing. So treat it as a game, as a special honour to be allowed to do this. To be trusted to do it. Another big tip - use an incentive. Some people call them bribes. The best bribe always is the gifdt of your time, spent exclusively on him. The more he helps, the more time you have for him. because of course, if you would have been ready to play cards with him, except you're still changing his bed for him, then he misses out on your time (or gets less of it) But if you can work together and get it done more quickly (even if you have to fudge it a bit, pretend it helped) then he gets to have a game with you. If it's computer games, try Mario Party (if he has those). Set a specific time, or some other limit and stick to it. But if he gets upset when the time is up, then promise another opportunity soon. Maybe next day, if he can help you save time in something else. Autistic kids respond to logic and calm repetition. Read "Explosive Child" Get it out of the library. You will recognise the boy in the first few pargraphs, I'm betting. Hang in there. take a few deep breaths. You're on the road now, you will get there. Marg [/QUOTE]
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