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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 341713" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>There is a great post here with lots of ideas for responses to a difficult child:</p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685</a></p><p></p><p></p><p>As for the "if you loved me, you would help me," I think one answer is, " because I love you, I won't help you, so that you can learn to do things on your own." But honestly, after awhile, I just said, "I'm not even going to respond to that," and walked away. </p><p></p><p>The hardest thing to learn is to not engage in these conversations at all with your difficult child. If the manipulative tactics (which is what these are) happen on the phone, I sometimes will say "ok, we seem to be going round in circles, so I'm going to go now. I love you bye." Even if it means having to hang up on them in the middle of one of their rants. I always say "I love you, bye," before hanging up. </p><p></p><p>If it's in person, you need to walk away and end the conversation. Same thing.."we've been through this, no point in re-hashing it." Remember that every time he gets a response from you, he "wins" in a sense, because that's exactly what he wants. Disengaging cuts off his power. Do it enough, and it will get better. </p><p> </p><p></p><p>This takes a LOT of practice. Arm yourself with literature on detachment, read and re-read it. Stock up on books about it, and about boundaries. Find some support groups.... I think those are key, actually, whether it be Al-Anon (if there are drug or alcohol issues), or maybe Coidependents Anonymous, or Families Anonymous. Find a mantra .. mine was the Serenity Prayer. I would repeat it to myself when things got really rough. In the middle of a difficult child rant, I might just repeat the word "disengage" in my head, over and over, to remind myself.</p><p></p><p>Hugs. It's also helpful to use the age-old adage of "One Day At A Time." Try not to think too far ahead and overwhelm yourself with "what ifs."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 341713, member: 1157"] There is a great post here with lots of ideas for responses to a difficult child: [url]http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=685[/url] As for the "if you loved me, you would help me," I think one answer is, " because I love you, I won't help you, so that you can learn to do things on your own." But honestly, after awhile, I just said, "I'm not even going to respond to that," and walked away. The hardest thing to learn is to not engage in these conversations at all with your difficult child. If the manipulative tactics (which is what these are) happen on the phone, I sometimes will say "ok, we seem to be going round in circles, so I'm going to go now. I love you bye." Even if it means having to hang up on them in the middle of one of their rants. I always say "I love you, bye," before hanging up. If it's in person, you need to walk away and end the conversation. Same thing.."we've been through this, no point in re-hashing it." Remember that every time he gets a response from you, he "wins" in a sense, because that's exactly what he wants. Disengaging cuts off his power. Do it enough, and it will get better. This takes a LOT of practice. Arm yourself with literature on detachment, read and re-read it. Stock up on books about it, and about boundaries. Find some support groups.... I think those are key, actually, whether it be Al-Anon (if there are drug or alcohol issues), or maybe Coidependents Anonymous, or Families Anonymous. Find a mantra .. mine was the Serenity Prayer. I would repeat it to myself when things got really rough. In the middle of a difficult child rant, I might just repeat the word "disengage" in my head, over and over, to remind myself. Hugs. It's also helpful to use the age-old adage of "One Day At A Time." Try not to think too far ahead and overwhelm yourself with "what ifs." [/QUOTE]
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