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Need help with plan B (Ross Greene)!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 397233" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We also would drop the expectations in evenings when medications were not on board, or any other times when coping ability had gone out the window. We also did our best to head off problems before they developed - so if a kid was beginning to escalate and behave inappropriately, I would often go run a bath. Or send the kid to go run his own bath. Moving the kid through a normal bedtime routine can re-establish some degree of calm.</p><p></p><p>Also an important part of plan B - planning. Next morning, when he is calmer, quieter and perhaps a bit more self-aware, you quietly talk about it. Not with a view to "Do you realise just how bad you were last night?" but more with "What can we put in place now, to help you avoid the sort of distress we had last night?" Work as a team, ask him for ideas on how he feels he would be able to perhaps pick up on your cue, or what he felt he had needed at that point. It's not in a blame mode, it's in a problem-solving mode. If he begins to get verbally aggressive (which they can do, trying to avoid you blaming them and attacking first) then do not rise to the bait. Simply say, "I'm not discussing who was responsible for what last night. I'm trying to work with you to find a way to avoid it, should it start to happen again."</p><p></p><p>The thing is, and he needs to understand this as well as you, and as well as the others in the household - the final problem is not the issue. It is merely the end-point of a long cascade reaction, the trigger of which may well have been five hours earlier. If you can stop the cascade at any point before the end explosion, then you have won. Big time. And so has he, because he has passed through the earlier triggers, but sidestepped the end result. This is a positive learning experience - "I don't have to explode every time. It is not inevitable after all."</p><p></p><p>So, the next step is planning. And as with all Basket B stuff, pull back from him exploding in this process also. But do persist - do it each time. When he is very calm, then try to set some strategies in place for future events, and involve him in this process. ALWAYS avoid blaming when you do this. It's a "no fault" zone. You might even need to express it this way. "I want to talk to you about how you felt when you blew up the garden shed last night. We're not discussing blame - that's for the insurance company investigation, they'll be working on that right after they interview grandpa in the hospital. You and I need to find out what was upsetting you and why, and what we can do in the future, to help you defuse in more positive ways."</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 397233, member: 1991"] We also would drop the expectations in evenings when medications were not on board, or any other times when coping ability had gone out the window. We also did our best to head off problems before they developed - so if a kid was beginning to escalate and behave inappropriately, I would often go run a bath. Or send the kid to go run his own bath. Moving the kid through a normal bedtime routine can re-establish some degree of calm. Also an important part of plan B - planning. Next morning, when he is calmer, quieter and perhaps a bit more self-aware, you quietly talk about it. Not with a view to "Do you realise just how bad you were last night?" but more with "What can we put in place now, to help you avoid the sort of distress we had last night?" Work as a team, ask him for ideas on how he feels he would be able to perhaps pick up on your cue, or what he felt he had needed at that point. It's not in a blame mode, it's in a problem-solving mode. If he begins to get verbally aggressive (which they can do, trying to avoid you blaming them and attacking first) then do not rise to the bait. Simply say, "I'm not discussing who was responsible for what last night. I'm trying to work with you to find a way to avoid it, should it start to happen again." The thing is, and he needs to understand this as well as you, and as well as the others in the household - the final problem is not the issue. It is merely the end-point of a long cascade reaction, the trigger of which may well have been five hours earlier. If you can stop the cascade at any point before the end explosion, then you have won. Big time. And so has he, because he has passed through the earlier triggers, but sidestepped the end result. This is a positive learning experience - "I don't have to explode every time. It is not inevitable after all." So, the next step is planning. And as with all Basket B stuff, pull back from him exploding in this process also. But do persist - do it each time. When he is very calm, then try to set some strategies in place for future events, and involve him in this process. ALWAYS avoid blaming when you do this. It's a "no fault" zone. You might even need to express it this way. "I want to talk to you about how you felt when you blew up the garden shed last night. We're not discussing blame - that's for the insurance company investigation, they'll be working on that right after they interview grandpa in the hospital. You and I need to find out what was upsetting you and why, and what we can do in the future, to help you defuse in more positive ways." Marg [/QUOTE]
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