Need Help !

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by midnight, Apr 27, 2010.

  1. midnight

    midnight Guest

    Hello!
    Im new here and in need of advice,my 14 year old daughter ranaway to her boyfriends house and when his mother found out that the police were looking for my daughter ,the mother dropped her off at a shelter for runaway and abused teenagers. My daughter is claiming that we physically abused her and kicked her out of the house. They refuse to allow us to talk to her and now cps is investigating us.
    When I talked to the shelter they stated that my daughter had bruises on her neck and hands, neither of us has ever laid our hands on our child .In fact the night that she went into that shelter I requested that she be seen by a physician and a psychologist because she has a history of emotional problems that we have been trying to deal with that includes stealing,lieing,hitting her 9 year old brother etc.... we are in Buffalo,NY and it seems that no one is on our side and for that fact there isnt a damn person who believes us ! If this were just having an effect on her it would be one thing but now were in danger of losing our son for something that we didnt do !
    The day that she ranaway started like any other day.I woke her up for school,asked her to walk the dogs...she was happy when she left for school ! We had a meeting with her school counsler and her special education teacher which we had to cancel because I was having a multiple sclerosis flare up and was in pain.When she didnt come home from school I called her friends ,walked around the neighborhood looking for her and when I couldnt find her I became worried and filed a missing persons report .There was a boy that I couldnt get in toutch with and after a while the police were able to contact him and for about 45 minutes this kid lied to the police and said our daughter was walking home from his house,she left his house earlier with friends and then he said that his mother was driving her home....next thing we knew she was at compass house with this story of abuse !
    Ive never had to seal with cps in my life and am in fear that they are going to take our son away and put us in jail...
     
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    What a nightmare!!! You state you have been dealing with some of her behaviors. Does she see a psychologist? I would be tempted to call that office and ask to talk to him/her. Explain what has happened and that you have been told that she is blaming you for the bruises. Ask if they have any advise on how you should handle this. I said "tempted" because I do not know the entire ramifications of that. I would think CPS should have her history before making any decisions. Somewhere in their investigation the history of her lieing should come up and that will be taken into account to some extent though not get you off the hook unless you can prove what happened this time.

    Did she know you cancelled the meetings? Did she show up for them? I would hope CPS would gather info from school staff on how they saw her that day. Did anyone notice any brusing?

    I am sure they will talk to your son and if he protrays that he feels safe and in no danger in your home, they will not take him.

    This does sound like a very ugly situation. The best you can do is hold on to the truth. As long as the truth is being pushed forward, you can hope that the right ending comes about.

    Another thing to consider is I bet you anything that she is also afraid of what is happening. She is learning that lies will pave a trail of fears for herself quicker and more firmly than telling the truth. No matter what they think, a 14 year old still will look for her mom for help and when that option is closed, her fears will rise. Hopefully that will be enough to get her to let CPS know where those bruises did come from.

    Hold off calling her psychologist until others with more experience in this area than I do hop in with their input.
     
  3. midnight

    midnight Guest

    We were in the process of getting a referral from her school for a psychologist ,shes in anger management classes with the school and we had hoped that they would be able to refer us to someone who could help her.On the day in question she skipped school and went to her boyfriends house,it was his mother that dropped her off at compass house.She isnt allowed to have boyfriends at her age because we feel that its just to young. No,she didnt know that we cancelled the meetings.What gets me is that my husband called the school at 9:30 that morning to cancel an 11:00 meeting and was never told that she was not in school and yet we got an automated call from the school at around 5:30pm saying that she wasent there.
     
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Even though you are not guilty, you need to find a family lawyer to represent you and make sure you do nothing that will jeopardize the situation so you lose your son. These types of situations can get ugly, and in your shoes, I would do everything in my power to make sure you do nothing that jeopardizes your case.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I've dealt with CPS. Act very calm when they talk to you and, most of all, don't get defensive or argue with them. They like cooperation. Don't even think about sassing at them. State your case in a calm way. Have the name of your therapists, any professionals who work with your child and make sure you tell those professionals that they can talk. Sign a form for that. They take defensiveness as a sign of guilt. They will probably talk to your son. They may pull him out of school. I don't know whether it's a good idea to warn him or not.

    Quietly hire a lawyer who has worked with CPS before. Whatever you do, cry in private, but in public act composed and confident. It is possible her boyfriend beat her up and that's where she got those bruises.

    If they tell you to go to parenting classes, just go. Do whatever they want. It hoovers, but they're the ones in charge and you have to make sure you don't bruise any egos even though you may be screaming inside.

    I so feel for you. Let us know how it goes.
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Deep breaths!
    First, make sure your house is in order. Food in the cupboards, clean bathrooms, etc.
    Second, document everything you can think of for that day in question - and even a few days before hand if she is claiming abuse and had bruises it would have happened within a few days of her going to the shelter. Document where you all were.
    Third, gather school documents and physician documents that relate to your daughter's behavior and psychiatric testing if appicable. You probably do not have time for a full parent report, but get things together.

    Then take more deep breaths. It is amazing how slow this system set up to protect children can work. Most times this has come up on this site, the cases were dropped.
    Don't forget that you might be able to use their services to help you with your daughter as well. Perhaps she (and the family) would do well to have her in respite where she would go to a foster home every other weekend to give everyone a break from each other.

    Do not panic and do not get defensive. It is what it is. There will be no proof so let them figure that out.
     
  7. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I have been fortunate that the DCFS workers that have investigated have been very professional. Hang in there. Remain calm and just tell the truth. A lot of these workers see thru the teenager lies and can be very sympathetic to the parents and can at times off help. Do make sure your home is clean, and have food in the cabinets. They will check that. They will even look in your bedroom. I know it's a pain, but just go along with it. Definately cooperate and remain calm and don't get defensive. Many hugs, hang in there. It will be okay. They really don't want our kids to be honest!!!!
     
  8. midnight

    midnight Guest

    Thank you !!! I actually called them again today because I found a note in my daughters room where shes talking about killing herself and once again I requested a psychiatric evaluation and once again we were told NO ! We were told that if she was thinking about suicide that she would tell them and that right now shes happy...newsflash she was happy the morning that she decided to skip school,runaway to her boyfriends house and then to compass house ! Im just not sure how to cope with this anymore...it would be bad enough to just be going through this with her but when you add to that the fact that we are in the middle of packing our home to move,which means the house isnt as clean as it should be...looking for another place to live,homeschooling our 9 year old son...the list can go on and on ! Its just all to much and seems to keep getting worse. Im happy that this group is here because it means that im not alone.Again Thank you !!!!
     
  9. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Just checking on you. Are you doing okay?
     
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Line up a family member with a squeaky clean record to take your son on an emergency basis just in case.

    Definitely get the lawyer. Be polite with CPS but they do not have the right to enter your home unless they get a warrent or you let them.
     
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