Need more happiness...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by mrscatinthehat, Dec 30, 2007.

  1. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    While I was on my way home last night/this morning from the police station and difficult child 2 I was so unhappy. I have been working on so many things such as detatching etc. Some things are so easy to do that with.

    difficult child 1 is doing so well these days (I hate to put it in black and white but it is true). And of course this makes me happy.

    I have easy child who although typical in teen hood is a pretty good kid. This too makes me happy.

    difficult child 2 however :censored2: the life out of me. This is not new. However his behavior is worse and scarier.

    I looked at life so differently before. I took for granted the things that made me happy. Now when I find happy things I want to kling to them. I know bad things will happen it isn't that. I just wish I could find a way to know happiness.

    I don't even expect others to give it to me. I baked tonight with difficult child 1 and that was happy but alas it faded quickly.

    I feel almost too demanding about it. But darn if I just don't want a whole day of just happiness.

    I am looking at everything for it. Reading, baking so many other things are the little respites of my life. But where is the laughter. The spontaneous joy that comes from something unexpected (and not the nasty little phone calls, or the cat hurling on my chair either).

    Oh well. I will keep looking. If I find happy land I will let everyone else know too. I am not selfish.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Beth, I don't think you're selfish by any means. I think you're unhappy, (no wonder), and at least temporarily depressed. You've had a lot to deal with lately- on top of this time of year which isn't the greatest for everyone.


    Can you make a list of 4 or 5 simple things you'd like to do, and can do, for a few hours or a day at a time? Would time alone help?

    I hope you feel better soon- keep posting- we'll be here!!!
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry you are hurting. Maybe take time for a long bath or to paint your toenails a wild color would give you a tiny boost.

    Sending hugs,

  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Beth -

    Well, my gosh hon, you have it coming at you from every direction it seems. Especially with difficult child 2. I don't think one can avoid it getting to them.

    The good thing is that you haven't given up on finding happiness. You know it's there. Sometimes we have things in our life that make it harder to find and keep. But, you haven't lost hope.

    I know you normally deal with difficult child 2 and husband deals with difficult child 1. Any chance of switching off for a bit? I think a change like that may be very beneficial.

  5. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Actually I do normally deal with the calls from difficult child 1. Lately though so much has been going on with #2 that we both are getting it. Then of course it doesn't help I have no rights to #1. So I had to go deal with #2 while #1 was home so as not to have a problem later if something happened for some reason.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    ohhhh...I had it backwards. Sorry.

    I know difficult child 2's recent antics put a wrench in things, but any chance of you and husband running away a bit like you mentioned in another post? Even if you just stay in town, but get a hotel room and order room service or take can make a difference.

    Have you ever read the book, "Simple Abundance"? It was big on Oprah several years ago. I know that so much of what you're dealing with is situational, but I took a lot from it. I actually took a lot more from the second book which is called, "Something More: Excavating your Authentic Self". I know it sounds corny and I didn't do the little exercises in it, but...I don't helped me with perspective I guess. And it has NOTHING to do with difficult child's and is all about YOU.
  7. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I am working a book called what happy women know.

    We are doing it for a group I am in. Just not so easy to make it work when all is ucky around. in about an hour and a half we take difficult child 1 back to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and then turn around to be back to the town difficult child 2 is in for court. tonight we have our annual holiday party for work. from 4-7 I hope no one expects much from me because tonight is my night to tip a few back. I know alcohol doesn't solve things but numbness is what I will be looking for. last year husband drank, this year my turn.

    I doubt running away is at all possible any time soon but I tell you what I just might turn off all the phones for a night before easy child comes home.

  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You deserve a drink or two, definitely.

    I wish I had some easy answers for you. Turning off the phones sounds like a wonderful idea.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I'll take moments of calm - happiness right now is expecting too much. :smile:

    It seems that your household needs to skip the holidays next year; it's just too explosive for your difficult children to handle.

    by the way, is husband stepping in & helping? And the detaching thing - sounds good but a mother struggles on a daily basis to step back. You'll know when you have it down to an art form - difficult child will call informing you that he just set the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on fire & you'll reply "that's nice, dear & where are you sleeping tonight?"

    I've found that ativan helps with that level though. :rofl:

    Truly, Beth - this season has been hell on wheels for you. I've turned to art, my private little bird sanctuary, I've started practicing (gingerly) piano again & lots of journaling to help me. I'm not necessarily happy - it's not time for me to be happy yet. I'll take an acceptance & level of peace.

  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    It's true, 'detaching', in theory sounds like a plan, and it is, but it's also something we caregivers must work on constantly. I have been very unhappy lately and I know that part of it is the weather, but most of it is due to the stresses of my life. My Dr put me on an antidepressant and then my other Dr upped it, doubled the dose, because the original dose wasn't doing diddly. While the medication is helping a bit, I still find myself staring into space. And when something enjoyable does happen, I have that impending feeling of doom somewhere in my chest, like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's usually related to difficult child or H. difficult child is a constant concern and I have a feeling she always will be.

    The books mentioned are very good starting points. I have a few inspirational books like that that I often turn to. Yesterday I went out and bought myself a Franklin Covey in LIFE planner. It has a few sections, but the parts of it I love the best is that it has a Daily Planning section and a Goal section. The idea is to each morning sit down for a mere 10 minutes and make a doable list of things to accomplish each day. And the idea is to list things not only like "go to the post office and pick up difficult child" but things like "meditate for 10 minutes after lunch", "take a 15 minute walk before dinner", "listen to peaceful music for 15 minutes", etc. IOW, it's about SCHEDULING the time to take care of ourselves, to nurture our spirit so we're not always feeling completely drained, Know what I mean?? And the Goals section, while a tad bit more difficult, is also very exciting for me. It's where you create an affirming statement about yourself, such as "I am happy" and then it has a section where you would write out things that make you happy and another section where you list how to do the things that make you happy (this is just an example).

    Staples has a few of these planner-type books on sale right now. I picked mine up for $41. I also went to Target and bought a combination calendar/bulletin board/dry erase board for my kitchen. I've already posted an inspirational message on there for me to see just as I leave the house each morning.

    Beth, try and find ways to inject a bit of peace, tranquility and happiness into your life each day. I don't think it's realistic to expect any one of us to be walking around with a constant upbeat attitude and grin on our faces. However, we can cherish the snippets in our day where we feel joy and peace and inner strength to face the next challenge. It would be good if you would get outdoors and walk for 15-20 minutes each day, just a stroll, not heavy duty power walking. Or pick up an old hobby you've lost track of and see if you're still interested. Buy yourself a CD of an artist you loved when you were younger before you had an H and kids - that's a pick me up to hear all those old tunes! Seemingly small ways to nurture yourself can be provide real boosts of happiness.

    Hugs~(sorry so long!)
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo - great ideas!!!

    Beth, I think it is a very long process to get to a place of happiness when you are parenting a difficult child. I think it takes years to figure out how to be happy when there is such pain in your life. And all the while things are changing, making it even take longer to figure out. I recall the things I expected when difficult child was 12. Well, now she is 16 and I should expect different things from her. These things will have a reaction from difficult child. So, it is a difficult thing to approach.
    While I am happy, and I certainly was not a few years ago, there are still difficult times right now and in the future.

    I handle/process/deal with them much differently now. I think that is what allows me to be happy while I continue to try to parent a difficult child.

    It took years for me to get here. Perhaps it helps that she is 16 now. She is closer to having to be more independent and her choices are for her to own. Not so much on my shoulders anymore.
  12. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Beth, its really hard to be happy when there are things stressing you out. I sort of have given up looking for all day long happiness - and take little moments of happiness where I find them - even though sometimes I gotta look hard for them.

  13. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    It's difficult to be truly happy when under chronic stress (I got this term from an article Janna posted not too long ago). You've been through so much. I think it is nearly impossible to be happy all the time with so many difficult child issues.

    I think Jo has some great ideas. I usually listen to music that brings me back to a time when I didn't have difficult children when exercising. I find that this helps me feel free of difficult children and their issues for a short period of time.

    I think all of us are riding on the difficult child rollercoaster of life filled with twists and turns we never thought possible before difficult children came into our lives. As a result, I think it is absolutely necessary to do things just for ourselves whenever we can.

    I also think we need to detach from our difficult children to the extent we can. I think although we love our difficult children, we have a right to happiness too. I just wish I could find the right balance between worrying about my difficult children and detaching from them. In this area, I guess I'm not much help. SORRY!!!

    Anyway, I just want to let you know I think I understand how you feel. I hope 2008 is a much better year for you. WFEN
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    Great post. I like what M Mac said about finding happiness in the moments.

    It truly is hard sometimes with the chronic stress we all face. This place helps so much.

    I'm ready to embrace a new year that's for sure.

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Beth and little donkey

    This is a voice track of me thinking I am EVER going to have an entire day of happiness.