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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 420763" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Do NOT NOT NOT do this. Do NOT NOT NOT discuss it with him. First the discussion. If you discuss it and then decide not to let him move in, he will FOREVER say he was going to get a job here (somewehre he couldn't get to from your house) and had it lined up (not really but he will say he did) but he turned it down because you said he could live with you. Then when he gets kicked out by his roommates or landlord or infuriates his roommate into trying to kill him he will claim that it is YOUR fault. Why? Because you talked to him about moving home so he gave up the GOOD JOB that would have paid well, trained him for a future in whatever and really put him onto the road to a good life and then you backed out and he had to move to this place where he got pulled back into drugs and thruggery and now someone is trying to kill him and you will be sorry when he is gone because all this is YOUR FAULT.</p><p> </p><p>So don't even have this discussion with him.</p><p> </p><p>If you let him move back home the honeymoon will be shorter than a midget standing in a pothole. He will have all of his basic needs met with no effort on his part and there will be NO effort to do anything to try and move out. Ever. He may start with good intentions but they won't last. He will revert to that angry gfgteen role so fast that you will think the 2 yrs on his own was a dream like the second Bob Newhart show ended up being. </p><p> </p><p>GO back and remember all the nasty, ugly, scary things he did before he left your home. ALL the reasons you fought for placements and treatment for him. Once you have done that, think about him now. With NO treatment and NO medications and NO desire to work or get help. Do you REALLY want to go back to that? </p><p> </p><p>Now go back and remember ALL that I already told you to remember. But this time imagine that you are a child growing up watching an older sibling act that way to your mom, your disabled older sibling, you and your other sibling. Think about ALL the ways that difficult child held you (the child) hostage and kept the majority of your mother's attention hostage as well - because as soon as mom started giving you attention the difficult child did something outrageous and scary and mom HAD to put her attention back on him.</p><p> </p><p>THAT is what Diva is dealing with. All that stuff and likely more because she really couldn't understand the choices and decisions you made about thank you. She just knew that as long as he was at home the entire family was hostage to his rage and gfgness. </p><p> </p><p>I really think you may push diva into seriously bad behavior,and I am really especially thinking drugs here, if you even discuss letting thank you come back home. Teens today have such easy access and many of their peers tell them it is a great way to deal with things that bother them. She knows thank you had a drug problem and that he is NOT in any kind of treatment for it, nor has he ever embraced ANY treatment for any of his problems. MAYBE if he had it would be different. In Diva's mind, letting thank you come home as a way to keep him off drugs (maybe keep him off drugs that you THINK he is off of now) means that she can do whatever she wants because if you let him move home after all the ways he hurt her and the family then you won't EVER kick her out because she went for years with-o doing anything even 5% as bad as him. </p><p> </p><p>She also would likely see it as telling him that all the ways he hurt her don't count and she doesn't count. Because if she mattered to you then you would protect her and now that you have that threat out of her world somewhat, bringing it into her home means that you don't care.</p><p> </p><p>I am NOT saying that ANY of these things would be true. I know they wouldn't be. This is based on how Jess thought and felt when Wiz came home from the 4 month psychiatric hospital stay. It took years to get all of this out of her and she was nowhere near as closed off to me as Diva seems to be (Jess wasn't in full typical teen mode yet when we got to this, thankfully). I may be off base a bit, but probably not a lot.</p><p> </p><p>in my opinion Janet's idea of getting a trailer for him somewhere that he could live in IF he went to therapy and saw a psychiatrist would be a MUCH better option. If he won't get help then he needs to figure things out on his own for a while longer. Your efforts need to be invested in those who are willing to at least TRY or those who are disabled and CANNOT do for themselves. Diva and Boo are enough on your plate right now.</p><p> </p><p>The fact that thank you hasn't gotten anywehre in 2 yrs is NOT, in my opinion, a sign that he cannot do better. It is a sign that he doesn't want to do better. He gets some $$ each month, enough to cover what he absolutely must have. If it wasn't he would have found a job of some sort. </p><p> </p><p>Family has a LOT of baggage. It is hard to not slip back into old roles when you are with family even for a visit. thank you's old role was scary for the rest of the family. Letting him come home when he is at the point he is currently at means there is really no chance that he won't slip back into his old role. It also would mean that when you finally got him out of the house again he would dive right back itno sloth mode and stay in it for longer than 2 yrs because he will think you will rescue him at the end of year 2 the way you did this time.</p><p> </p><p>It has to be really hard to know the situation he is in. I am sorry that you have to be aware of ANY of it. This is not the right time or situation for him to move back home though. He needs to figure out how to live on the income he has chosen or have to work to get a better standard of living. You did NOT get the house and lifestyle you have from the Lifestyle Fairy - you and husband worked hard for it. This is thank you's turn to work hard or live on the proceeds of not working hard. </p><p> </p><p>Also remember the things thank you managed to do to get drugs or to thwart what you wanted him to do. He could figure out all the steps for that, couldn't he? It makes me think he just may not WANT to put forth the effort needed to get the kind of results that create a better standard of living, Know what I mean??</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 420763, member: 1233"] Do NOT NOT NOT do this. Do NOT NOT NOT discuss it with him. First the discussion. If you discuss it and then decide not to let him move in, he will FOREVER say he was going to get a job here (somewehre he couldn't get to from your house) and had it lined up (not really but he will say he did) but he turned it down because you said he could live with you. Then when he gets kicked out by his roommates or landlord or infuriates his roommate into trying to kill him he will claim that it is YOUR fault. Why? Because you talked to him about moving home so he gave up the GOOD JOB that would have paid well, trained him for a future in whatever and really put him onto the road to a good life and then you backed out and he had to move to this place where he got pulled back into drugs and thruggery and now someone is trying to kill him and you will be sorry when he is gone because all this is YOUR FAULT. So don't even have this discussion with him. If you let him move back home the honeymoon will be shorter than a midget standing in a pothole. He will have all of his basic needs met with no effort on his part and there will be NO effort to do anything to try and move out. Ever. He may start with good intentions but they won't last. He will revert to that angry gfgteen role so fast that you will think the 2 yrs on his own was a dream like the second Bob Newhart show ended up being. GO back and remember all the nasty, ugly, scary things he did before he left your home. ALL the reasons you fought for placements and treatment for him. Once you have done that, think about him now. With NO treatment and NO medications and NO desire to work or get help. Do you REALLY want to go back to that? Now go back and remember ALL that I already told you to remember. But this time imagine that you are a child growing up watching an older sibling act that way to your mom, your disabled older sibling, you and your other sibling. Think about ALL the ways that difficult child held you (the child) hostage and kept the majority of your mother's attention hostage as well - because as soon as mom started giving you attention the difficult child did something outrageous and scary and mom HAD to put her attention back on him. THAT is what Diva is dealing with. All that stuff and likely more because she really couldn't understand the choices and decisions you made about thank you. She just knew that as long as he was at home the entire family was hostage to his rage and gfgness. I really think you may push diva into seriously bad behavior,and I am really especially thinking drugs here, if you even discuss letting thank you come back home. Teens today have such easy access and many of their peers tell them it is a great way to deal with things that bother them. She knows thank you had a drug problem and that he is NOT in any kind of treatment for it, nor has he ever embraced ANY treatment for any of his problems. MAYBE if he had it would be different. In Diva's mind, letting thank you come home as a way to keep him off drugs (maybe keep him off drugs that you THINK he is off of now) means that she can do whatever she wants because if you let him move home after all the ways he hurt her and the family then you won't EVER kick her out because she went for years with-o doing anything even 5% as bad as him. She also would likely see it as telling him that all the ways he hurt her don't count and she doesn't count. Because if she mattered to you then you would protect her and now that you have that threat out of her world somewhat, bringing it into her home means that you don't care. I am NOT saying that ANY of these things would be true. I know they wouldn't be. This is based on how Jess thought and felt when Wiz came home from the 4 month psychiatric hospital stay. It took years to get all of this out of her and she was nowhere near as closed off to me as Diva seems to be (Jess wasn't in full typical teen mode yet when we got to this, thankfully). I may be off base a bit, but probably not a lot. in my opinion Janet's idea of getting a trailer for him somewhere that he could live in IF he went to therapy and saw a psychiatrist would be a MUCH better option. If he won't get help then he needs to figure things out on his own for a while longer. Your efforts need to be invested in those who are willing to at least TRY or those who are disabled and CANNOT do for themselves. Diva and Boo are enough on your plate right now. The fact that thank you hasn't gotten anywehre in 2 yrs is NOT, in my opinion, a sign that he cannot do better. It is a sign that he doesn't want to do better. He gets some $$ each month, enough to cover what he absolutely must have. If it wasn't he would have found a job of some sort. Family has a LOT of baggage. It is hard to not slip back into old roles when you are with family even for a visit. thank you's old role was scary for the rest of the family. Letting him come home when he is at the point he is currently at means there is really no chance that he won't slip back into his old role. It also would mean that when you finally got him out of the house again he would dive right back itno sloth mode and stay in it for longer than 2 yrs because he will think you will rescue him at the end of year 2 the way you did this time. It has to be really hard to know the situation he is in. I am sorry that you have to be aware of ANY of it. This is not the right time or situation for him to move back home though. He needs to figure out how to live on the income he has chosen or have to work to get a better standard of living. You did NOT get the house and lifestyle you have from the Lifestyle Fairy - you and husband worked hard for it. This is thank you's turn to work hard or live on the proceeds of not working hard. Also remember the things thank you managed to do to get drugs or to thwart what you wanted him to do. He could figure out all the steps for that, couldn't he? It makes me think he just may not WANT to put forth the effort needed to get the kind of results that create a better standard of living, Know what I mean?? [/QUOTE]
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