Need some advice

[mstang67chic]

I think I've detached so much from difficult child's attitude that sometimes I have a hard time finding my way back to compassionate mom. Know what I mean??

difficult child talked to me one other time this school year (2 1/2 weeks in) about people at school being mouthy to him and making him mad. This has always been an issue for him and one that either lands him in a fight, some sort of trouble or he just leaves. Granted, the fighting thing hasn't been a big problem for years but I suspect it still happens. Anyhoo, this morning he shows up at home at 9:30. He said people at school are making him mad, they are being mouthy and he wanted to know if it was easier to get his GED than a diploma. (He has ONE sememster to graduate. ONE)

Really, all I knew to tell him both times is that he needs to learn to deal with this. There will always be people that make him mad or people that are jerks. He won't always be somewhere that he can just leave.....like SCHOOL or a job. He's GOT to deal with this. Besides that, I told him today that if he quits school, he will lose ALL insurance and there is no way that he or we can afford his medications each month. I asked if he has said anything to the teachers about some of the problem people and he has. (Which is very good for him) and he got to sit somewhere else in one of his classes because of it. I talked him into going back to school and told him to talk to his teacher of record.

I just don't know what else to do or if I even should step in. This has always been an issue for him and he needs to learn to deal with it. He's had anger management in counseling and this subject has been brought up before and discussed many times. I will have him call his counselor and see if he can get in sooner or at the very least, bring it up at the next appointment. I also want him to ask the provider for help in filing for SSI or disability. I just don't know what else to tell him. Any ideas or advice?

 

[DaisyFace]

Mstang--

I understand where you are coming from....

My difficult child is the same way. Other people are always causing trouble, being annoying, bothering her, making her angry etc. And the suggestion that SHE must be the one to control herself and not always be blaming other people for her attitude goes in one ear and out the other.

And I catch myself doing the same thing....I get so fed up with all of the conflict that I find it hard to be compassionate for the issues she complains about.

My only suggestion will be to try and get him to think about how he will feel if for the rest of his life, on every job application, in every interview--he will have to admit that he quit school. It sounds great now....the easy answer. But how will he really feel after all of his friends have actually graduated?...and he did not? (He will tell you that a GED is the same thing BUT you can only get one if you quit school--so everyone will know that he was a drop-out). Maybe social stigma will help convince him to stick it out a while longer...

Good luck!

--DaisyFace

 

[DammitJanet]

He is older than his fellow classmates. That could be part of the problem. I realize he only has a couple of months to go too. Does your community college offer something called Adult Education classes? This is where a person can actually get their HS diploma instead of a GED. This is done normally in the same place as where they go to get the GED, at least here, but they do the work to get the diploma instead of the GED.

I will let you in on a secret. When Jamie was in his senior year he came down with pneumonia and missed ONE too many days in his first semester. All his other teachers passed him anyway but his English teacher was a PITA and failed him. And yes, we had doctors notes. This would have meant he couldnt have graduated at the end of the year and would have had to take summer school for his senior english. It just ticked us off. I pulled him out of school and enrolled him in Adult Ed at the community college. Do remember we had his whole adult life mapped out with the military...lol. Nothing could stand in our way!

Jamie started Adult Ed that Jan after Xmas break and he finished up his classes before his graduating class actually did and he graduated with his Adult Ed class as the youngest member of that class. Yep, they had a ceremony where they had cap and gowns and they walked. He was the youngest at 17 and 10 months and the oldest was 70. LOL.

 

[TerryJ2]

Gosh, I don't know. I'm assuming that once he gets an idea in his head, he sticks with-it, right?
My difficult child usually gets over things like that in a day or two, unless it's something he did to provoke it. Then he'll be very angry and anxious. A very different attitude.
He is so close to graduating ... I know how you feel.
I'm sending persistence and support.
Wish I had some advice.

 

[KTMom91]

I understand what you mean about possibly being too detached. Miss KT creates so much drama that it's hard for me to react when I probably should. What will you do if he drops out? Will he continue to live at home or find somewhere else to go? What's the carrot on the string for him to graduate? All I can suggest is to find a really attractive carrot and keep it dangling.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh...and as far as medication and insurance...until he is 21, he can apply for medicaid on his own with his own income. Over 18 and under 21 is his own income.

 

[mstang67chic]

What's the carrot on the string for him to graduate? All I can suggest is to find a really attractive carrot and keep it dangling.

There really isn't one. It's kind of the same problem with discipline...there's nothing to tempt or take away. He's destroyed, lost or "traded" most of his things and what's left is either carap or nothing major. And anything he may want that COULD be used as a carrot is probably more expensive that I would be willing to buy. He's so bad with his belongings that I refuse to spend the money anymore....even for something like this. I know that if I do...I'd be better off lighting the money and tossing it in the wind. I even don't buy him belts anymore because of how he treats them. The last one (the one that I TOLD him was his last if it didn't make it) lasted maybe 2 days before he cut it and made a bracelet out of it. I don't think that there is really anything realistic that he would want and anything else...I won't spend the money on. And THAT stuff would be stuff I wouldn't spend the money on for a easy child either, just for the record. He does want husband's old Jeep but for one thing....he is far from getting his license. And for another...I don't want him to have it. It runs but barely, there's a big hole under the floor mat on the driver's side, it's very squirrely at any speed over 50, it needs a lot of work and I don't feel it is safe for a new driver. I wasn't comfortable with husband driving it so I really don't want a teenager driving it.

I may have to look into the adult ed stuff but first he needs to get going on his SSI application. He HAS to have his medications and we need to find out exactly what he qualifies for. Every time I try to call on it, I'm told his case worker is in his originating county and they can't transfer it here or I get a total run around. If that really is the case, it will be a MAJOR PITA as his originating county is known to be sub par and flat out haphazard and careless with their paperwork/responsibilities.

ARGH. This all just drives me nuts. But thanks for the advice and support. I'm sure we'll get through it at some point.

 

[TerryJ2]

The last one (the one that I TOLD him was his last if it didn't make it) lasted maybe 2 days before he cut it and made a bracelet out of it.

Wow. He is very determined.
My son just loses his. One yr, his teacher threatened to buy him one ... after I'd already bought 6. We finally found one, behind the couch.
I wish you luck. Again, I wish I had some words of wisdom. Just wanted to lend support.

 

[MyFriendKita]

Are you sure he can't stay on your insurance? My son is 21, not in school (but is our dependent), and I am able to keep him on my group insurance until he's 24.

 

[susiestar]

It is a rare insurance policy that will keep a person who is 18 or older on insurance unless they are a full time student. Very rare. Good to double check though.

I really don't think you are too detached. He has been given every single tool to cope with this and most other aspects of life.

You cannot force him to use any tool. If he insists on mowing the grass of his life with manicure scissors one blade of grass at a time you cannot force him to use a lawnmower. You can provide the lawnmower (or medications or classes or docs or therapists or purple plaid problem poopers) but you cannot make him use it. Or take care of it so it will continue to run.

It is probably going to require you to do the disability paperwork. Most difficult children cannot handle it.

But as for school, it is galling that he cannot take the ONE class needed to graduate. Aany chance he could take an English class at a community college and have it apply to his high school degree? I know I took college classes as a senior in high school.

Whatever happens needs to be what HE puts in motion - whether that be by his actions or his inactions.

Talk to husband about what the boundaries are if he is to stay at home. Then takes Marg's basic rules for housemates and tweak them until they fit.

 

[MyFriendKita]

It is a rare insurance policy that will keep a person who is 18 or older on insurance unless they are a full time student. Very rare.

Several states have passed laws mandating it--Indiana is one of those states. There are some exceptions, such as companies that are self-insured.

 

[Christy]

It is understandable why you feel detached. You might offer to listen to what is bothering him. Acknowledge the things that are genuinely irritating, annoying, unfair, etc.. and then explain that no it is not easier to get a GED and here are the reasons why...