Need some advice

[everywoman]

Back story---I have been with my SO for 18 months----we are talking marriage in the future. We went to high school together and have both lived in the same town for pretty much all out adult livwa. We have an extended group of friend who still get together frequently. My best girlfriends are all part of this group. One woman, M, was a friend in high school, but since I left my husband several years ago, we have grown really close. She was also going through a divorce, and we were the only single women in the group, so we hung out a lot. When I ran into SO, she was with me. The whole group knows that she has always had a crush on SO, which goes back to high school. Before I even accepted a date with him, I talked to her about it---I didn't want to mess up the friendship over a man.

Friday night, SO confessed to me that my friend has been making advances towards him and it makes him uncomfortable. He didn't want to tell me because he knows how close I thought we were and he didn't want to cause me any pain. He has told her in no uncertain terms that he loves me and is not interested in any sort of romantic relationship with her.

She has had a rough time with her divorce. I know she has always liked my SO, but I never thought she would cross the line. We went out Friday night and ran into her---I was distant, as was SO. She called my best friend and she knows something is wrong. She told boyfriend that she was going to call me this afternoon or stop by the house.

I don't do drama. I can forgive her, but I don't want to ever make SO feel uncomfortable again. I'm not sure what to tell her. What would you do? If I confront her, she will most probably deny that it happened. I don't want to pit her against me, SO, or our small close group.

 

[Suz]

K- have you told SO that she is planning to call you to discuss the change in behavior? I don't think I'd talk to her until I talked to him and you both decided on your next course of action or inaction. In the meantime, Caller ID is your friend, and you can ignore the call(s) until you know next steps.

Suz

 

[Signorina]

I'd be straight with her - otherwise it will turn into a big drama thing. I'd tell her - you are my friend and I care about you - but your interest in SO is making both he and I uncomfortable. I know you've always had a crush on him - and I can understand why - but we are in a serious committed relationship and your interest in him makes it uncomfortable to be around you.

So - be straight - but put the onus on her. I wouldn't mention that your SO says she is hitting on him because then it becomes a "he says, she says" drama plus she will deny it and then you will be stuck. Just state the facts - she's interested in SO - and use "we" so she knows you are speaking for both you and your SO.

 

[DDD]

I agree although I would likely dial it down a bit. Only you know how direct to be with you longtime friend. Perhaps you could tell her that there seems to be a different "vibe" in her communication with both of you and it's making you uncomfortable. In response I'd expect her to say "what do you mean?" which will require you to say something else short and sweet. Sigh. ?? "Due to our close friendship I know that you have found SO attractive but lately it seems like you are not seeing us as the committed couple that we are."

A denial or sense of affront might come next which can be cut short by saying "You and I have been so close over the years. I want our friendship to remain close and trusting." End of story. "So...what's new?" LOL Change of subject time. Then time will tell. It's possible that she had an extra drink and made a poor choice which put SO on alert. Since you and SO are aware of the possible problem if anything happens again then you may have to back out of the friendship. Good friends are hard to find. I'd give her a second chance. DDD

 

[muttmeister]

Just tell her the truth. There is nothing to be gained by doing anything else. Friends are hard to come by but so are SOs. She may say he "misinterpreted." Maybe not. I wouldn't start a big fight but she deserves to know why you and your SO were cool to her. She may get mad and leave. She may apologize and not let it happen again. She may act totally dumbfounded. But at least you get it out in the open. Playing stupid high school games is no way to live life. Either everybody will step up and do the right thing and you can all be friends.....or not. But at least you will have dealt with it.l

 

[Hound dog]

I like Suz's response. But I'm also not one for playing games.

I'd check in with SO and let him know she plans to call. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it, honestly. She's always had a huge crush on the guy. Perhaps she thought she'd better give him a hint before the two of you tied the knot, in case there was a slim chance he had some attraction for her? People can do some odd things out of loneliness, things they wouldn't ordinarily do. Maybe she got a bit tipsy and got carried away.......who knows? I'd just let her know that her actions made SO uncomfortable to the point where he came to you, so as not to hurt her feelings.....which made you uncomfortable because you guys are in a committed relationship, planning to get married. Then she can either apologize and knock it off, knowing that it's obviously a no go with SO and you know the score.......or not and march off in a huff.

But you can look at it this way, her actions wound up showing you that SO is obviously committed to the relationship and has no qualms about coming to you with such things.

 

[witzend]

You could always call it a joke. "OMG, SO told me that he thought you were making a pass at him! First he was uncomfortable and then he was so embarrassed because he told you to back off. We laughed because we knew you'd never do anything as stupid as make a pass at him! You know I'd stab your eyes out if you did! Isn't that hilarious?"

You've told her where you and SO stand, you've made it clear in no uncertain terms that it won't be tolerated, and everyone gets a gimme. If she does it again she's been forewarned that it won't turn out well for her.

 

[Hound dog]

Oh d@mn Witz, you're good! LOL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You can just see the love that man has for you - no doubt about that!! I couldn't handle it eloquently. I'd be a cat with claws out...lol.

by the way, are you guys going back to TN anytime soon?

 

[DDD]

Has she called or stopped by yet? DDD

 

[gcvmom]

She obviously is concerned about the evident strain in your relationship based on your reaction(s) the other night. So she cares. If she stops by or calls and asks what's going on, be frank and tell her that your relationship with SO is headed toward marriage and that SO has told you he felt uncomfortable about her behavior towards him. You are aware of her past feelings for him, so it's made everyone feel awkward and you hope she is able to respect your relationship with SO, take a step back and give the two of your space. Hopefully she is reasonable, apologizes and goes back to behaving like a grownup instead of a smitten teenager.

 

[Lothlorien]

Okay, I'm totally picturing those exact words that Witz said with a sweet and sticky southern accent. Wow....sweet and vicious!

 

[everywoman]

Thanks girls, I have decided to do nothing---she knows I know, and that is enough.
Patriots Girl---I am ready to hit Gatlinburg right now---Lord, I love that place. Seriously, we will head back up something this spring.

 

[DDD]

I think that's a wise choice. If she had called or come over to the house you likely would have needed to say something. on the other hand, she evidently has figured it out and doesn't want to have "the talk". She may, in fact, be embarrassed. I would be. DDD