Need some concrete suggesetions

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, Apr 23, 2008.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don’t post often any more, but could really use some advice about my Youngest difficult child. The background: she is 20, and is living with me (in my 2 bedroom apartment) along with her son, my 13 month old grandson. She has been on the Section 8 list for over a year, and is very close to finally receiving her voucher (#3 on the list). She works, but only makes $7.25 an hour as a day care teacher. She finally filed for child support a couple of months ago, and is in a holding/waiting pattern for that, as well, as it slowly works its way through the court system. Not sure she’ll get much, as the baby’s father is currently working “under the table” and can’t even produce a paystub, but hopefully she’ll get something. The baby’s father is abusive and controlling, and their relationship scares the heck out of me, but that is another post entirely. He is currently banned from my property after several calls to the police resulted in her refusing to press charges, and them not seeing enough evidence of abuse to do anything.

    She has it pretty darn good. Because she makes so little, I let her pay me when she can … usually about $100 a month for car insurance, cell phone, and rent. When she runs out of money between paychecks I sometimes buy Aidan (grandson) diapers and baby food. He is receiving Medicaid, but she let the WIC lapse. She does plan on getting food stamps when she moves into her apartment (right now, they count my income as household income, so she can’t get food assistance). She drives a car that belongs to me (it’s paid for). She is off and on again with medication compliance, does see a therapist and psychiatrist semi-regularly through the county. Her moods are directly tied to the relationship with the baby’s father, when he’s back in the picture, she is nasty and moody. She suffers from incredibly high anxiety, with or without him. The anxiety can be downright crippling at times. I worry about her ability to live alone and be self-sufficient, but she’s got to try. Again, a subject for another post.

    Anyway. My immediate issue is the lack of responsibility she takes around the house (apartment), and the ungrateful attitude. She complains about how messy my apartment is, but does nothing to help clean. 95% of the mess is hers and Aidan’s … baby clothes, toys, her clothes, everywhere. Dirty diapers overflow in her room (ew). Her bathroom is filthy, and she constantly leaves clothes on the floor. She borrows my makeup and doesn’t put it back. She complains there’s nothing to eat, yet when I grocery shop, I purposely ask her what she’d like me to buy .. .sometimes give her money to go shopping for us. It doesn’t matter. She won’t do the dishes, take out the trash, or vacuum or dust, yet she complains about ALL of those things not being done. I feel like I have a nagging husband (again).

    Lately, I’ve just given up. I won’t even clean any more. It’s not my mess. I don’t care. I don’t have people over any more. I go out as much as I can, I dread going home. It’s like I’m just biding my time till she’s out. Talking to her calmly doesn’t help, nagging doesn’t help, nothing helps. I've tried putting stuff into her room, but it's already such a mess ... there's hardly any room for her to sleep in there (and Aidan sleeps in there, too, of course). If it were just her, I’d kick her out in a heartbeat. I can’t do that to Aidan. The only place she could go with him would be a homeless shelter, and I just can’t do that to my grandson. We have no extended family, and the family of the baby’s father is not an option. Could I take my grandson? Maybe. Honestly, as much as I love him, that option terrifies me as well. I want MY life, finally.

    Yes, I’ve created this monster. I take full responsibility. I’ve let it go on too long, and it’s only gotten worse. I’ve dug myself this hole. But now what? Do I clean the apartment anyway, and just be the maid until they’re gone? Do I give some kind of consequence if she doesn’t do what I ask her to do? If so, WHAT? Take her cellphone, her car, and leave her with no way to get to work? Is there a middle ground somewhere? For those of you with grandchild and difficult children, how do you detach from the difficult child craziness while protecting the grandchild? Such a tough line.

    Suggestions are welcome. Please.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    OMG! We have twins!!!

    Seriously, I'm living thru the same thing, only Nihole hasn't even looked/applied for section 8 yet and doesn't have her license.

    I've tried everything I know, short of tossing her out on her rear. Which is what she wants, by the way, so she can convince boyfriend to let her live with him and if it doesn't work out it's all my faut for tossing her out. Plus I'm also having a bit of trouble forcing myself to do that to Aubrey. My only plus is the father is basically a good sort, has some issues of his own maturity/gfgness, but all in all a decent enough Dad.

    I've even told her no rides to work. Ha! That gives her an excuse to quit the job she's recently decided she hates. Terrific.

    For Nichole I have a move out deadline of Sept. This is what I'm pushing for. But the more boyfriend and I attempt to push her toward adult responsibility the more she goes the other way or starts raging. I know alot is due to the fact she's scared out of her mind. But the kid has grow up sometime. She is a parent afterall. The luxury of easing into adulthood went out the window when she got pregnant. (I explained this to her the other night)

    Sorry I don't have any advice. But at least you know you're not alone.