Need Some Encouragement!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DenitaS, Oct 21, 2009.

  1. DenitaS

    DenitaS New Member

    So, I talked to difficult child 1 tonight. From Jail!
    They want to hold her till her 18th Birthday and then try her. That is in December!
    My husband thinks we should get her an atty so she doesn't get railroaded and I say NO! That she put herself here and it is her problem to fix!
    So, which is right and which is wrong??? I am so LOST on this one! :sad-very:
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have always told my kids "You do the crime, be prepared to do the time, cuz Momma ain't bailing you out."

    I meant it. They knew I meant it. *knocks on wood* And I've not had one of them in jail yet.

    Natural concequences teach far better and far faster than we can. You know us, we're just the parents who don't know a thing about the real world. *snort*

    Besides, in jail......she's out of trouble, she's safe, and you know where she is at all times. That's not necessarily a bad thing.

  3. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    I'm not clear on exactly why she is in jail, but as a rule of thumb, I think that if she clearly put herself in that position by making bad choices, then she needs to figure out what to do about it. Plus, won't the Court appoint her an attorney if you don't jump in and pay for one?

    To retain a GOOD attorney is just so incredibly expensive, and the uncertainty of how things will much time the case will require of the attorney.... I sure wouldn't do it unless I had some convincing evidence that difficult child somehow wound up in the predicament unfairly.

    Is there any injustice to her in this case that justifies the burden it will put on you and husband to take this on? And what if she is bonded out into your custody with a laundry list of conditions of release for you to monitor? Are you ready for that? Oh...and if she bonds out, there's no way that hearing will happen in December. I'd bet on it. Hearings for those in custody are first priority. I'd say you'll be pushed back AT LEAST 6 months. That's the way things go in my area. Check on your state's procedures before you do anything would be my advice.
  4. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    I know the feeling of not wanting to bail them out, but I also know how easy it is to get run over by the "justice" system. Especially for a kid. I don't think seeing to it that they have someone to represent them is bailing them out. They still have to face the charges.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Denita - I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer here. I think you and husband will have to make the choice that you can both live with best, that is the right answer for you two.

    I think emotionallybankrupt brings up a good point - if you do get her an atty and she gets bonded out, are you and husband prepared to deal with- any requirements as part of her bond? Would she be allowed to go back to where she was living before the arrest?

    Personally, I'm with Lisa - I will not hire attys nor will I bail a kid out. My husband is a little softer touch and would probably waiver a bit, but I'm pretty adamant about it. The only way I would change my mind is if it created a rift for husband and me - raising a difficult child created enough marital stress. husband is my priority. If he really dug his heels in on it, I would give.

    I hope you and husband are able to come up with- a solution that works for you.
  6. DenitaS

    DenitaS New Member

    She is in jail because she stole a page out of my ex-husbands business account, stamped his signature and cashed them. She did this to herself!
    We live in a different state then her so she would not be released here.
    He says that he wants her tried as a juvenile (she is 18 in 2 months) so that it doesn't go on her permanent record. He doesn't think she should "get away with it" just wants to make sure she isn't there for too long.

    It is a tough call! I see where he is coming from but, I don't think I can "bail her out" this time. I think she just needs to face the consequences of what SHE has done.

    I would just LOVE to have a life of my own without all the chaos that they BOTH bring to the table! WE want to plan an Christmas trip and it is just out of the question until we find out if the state is going to take custody of difficult child 2 and what that is going to cost us!

    Sometimes, I just feel like I CANNOT do this anymore!
  7. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Maybe a middle ground compromise would be to pay for an initial consultation with an attorney (or two) and then be able to make a more informed decision? In my area, an initial consultation is usually not expensive enough to break the bank.

    Do you know the D.A. intends to try her as an adult in two months? If she's just been arrested, I can't believe a decision like that could have even been made yet. Is all your information coming from difficult child? At any rate, a trial is not the first step in the process, and whether she bonds out or not, I can't believe the whole thing will be finished within two months. Also, I would guess her age at the time of the crime would be a deciding factor in the juvenile v. adult decision, rather than when they get around to hearing the case.
  8. DenitaS

    DenitaS New Member

    So, here is where we are with difficult child 1

    I spoke to her counselor that she had when she was in Colorado (and kept in contact with) She says that this is our last chance to get her in a Residential setting. That being said, with her history she will probably be diagnosed with a Personality Disorder while she was there, in which case it probably would not do any good! BUT, if not, then MAYBE she can get the help that she needs in a facility like that!

    husband says that I will never make it if something were to happen to her in jail and I did nothing. He says I will be the one in a Mental Hospital!

    I have an atty that is going to call me this afternoon. I am going to explain to him that I DO NOT want her off of this charge I just want her placed in the proper facility due to her prior history! and maybe, JUST MAYBE, something good can come of this!

    Wish us luck!
  9. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    I guess I would ask husband some questions before going forward with paying an attny even for a consultation.

    If she had been 6 months older and actually 18 at the time of the crime would he feel any different? If he would not be suggesting this if she was already 18 then perhaps you need a further discussion of his reasons for doing it now. Does he really think that she is not going to re-offend in the future? If so, then I guess I could see some point to trying to help her now. But if he thinks she's likely to end up in jail again then what exactly is the point of helping her now? How will it help her in the long run?

    If he would still be wanting to pay for an attny if she was 18 then I will tell you that this issue is NOT going to go away, assuming that difficult child 1 continues on her current path. So then the real question becomes - how often and under what circumstances are we going to help her like this in the future? Do we want to set this precedent/expectation with her? If you're going to do it this time, how will you decide whether to do it next time?

    Looking down the road like this may help you both get clearer on why you are or are not going to pay for an attny and what is the exact nature of your apparent disagreement.

    It sounds like he is trying to protect you from getting hurt. It's a sweet gesture but jail is not the only place where bad things happen to people.

    If my spouse and I were having this disagreement and I decided to go along I would insist on putting a $$ limit on what you are going to spend on her defense in advance. I would make it clear to any attny that took her case that you would NOT pay any more than that no matter what. I'm thinking that you could easily find yourself with a bill for $5,000 or more here depending on what happens. Are you in a financial place to do that? If the per hour charge for the attny is $150 then you are only looking at a total of 33 hours for $5,000. That includes prep time, meeting with your difficult child 1 time, court time, telephone conversations, etc. And then there's the photocopying costs, the certification and delivery costs, the filing goes on and on.

    I hope you find a compromise that works for both of you.
  10. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I don't have much to add except to say beware of how fast the legal and court costs add up. When my difficult child was arrested I jumped into rescue mode and stupidly hired a fairly expensive lawyer, who then took us to town with all sorts of extra expenses above his 'flat fee'. It ended up costing about double what he'd quoted. That's another stress added to an already stressful situation ... and the jerk in difficult child's case didn't even do a good job.

    I hope you can get an arrangement worked out that will get your difficult child some help and another chance before she hits adulthood - best of luck.