Need some handholding over the next 24 hours

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AHF, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. AHF

    AHF Member

    Some here may have followed recent ups & downs (well, downs) with my son Peter Pan. Tomorrow is his last scheduled day at the step-down house; he is completely noncompliant with the program, and they don't think I should continue to pay. He has known of this consequence for more than a week, and has done nothing other than to insist that I need to set him up (this would be for the 4th time) in a situation where he can take one class at the local college in order to have a "college lifestyle." I won't do that; without a support system in place, it's a guaranteed failure. And he's simply running the clock down, refusing to engage with staff about alternatives, refusing to contemplate the homeless shelter that awaits him. Tomorrow will be in the teens in our state, and as far as anyone knows he will be on the street. He will surely use this planned panic to try to bully me into bringing him home or supporting an expensive scheme that involves neither therapy nor productive work or real education. "Narcissistic character disorder" is now the chief diagnosis, a label I'd have been happy to assign many months ago. He is also on a very sensitive cocktail of antidepressant medications and no one can realistically imagine his self-medicating responsibly. At the same time the p-doctor doesn't think he's ill enough to be sent (this would be the 6th time) to the hospital. So basically I am on pins and needles, praying that I can hold my ground and that no one, particularly Peter Pan, gets hurt. I can't concentrate on anything--and yet this could be just the start of a new, even more painful chapter, so I need to get some distance! All help appreciated.
     
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    We are here for you AHF. I do know what panic you are feeling right now my son was on the streets in winter a few years back. i was so worried but he did fine. They always manage to find a place to stay. As for the anticipated bulyling. Hang up as soon as it starts. Use your answering machine to screen his calls and type up a list of shelters and soup kitchens you can hand him if he should show up at your door. you are not alone in this many of us have been in your shoes.
     
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there AHF. I agree with rm, these kids always seem to land on their feet even if they end up couch-surfing for awhile. Definitely screen your calls and have those phone numbers handy. Keep yourself busy. It's difficult when you're dealing with a personality disorder, because many with that diagnosis won't acknowledge their own issues, they are convinced everyone else is the problem.

    Hugs.
     
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Ugh! That stinks all the way around...

    Sending cyber-support for you!
     
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring hugs and maximum best wishes that by some miracle he will "get it" soon. I'm sure you will make the best choices out of love for Peter Pan. DDD
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with RM and Crazy. Have a list typed up of canned responses so you dont have to think on your feet. Remember that NO is a complete sentence and you dont have to justify your responses.

    I really hope Peter Pan can make use of this time on his own. Maybe this will be the time that clicks for him. I know, optimistic but one can hope but sometime it simply has to.
     
  7. AHF

    AHF Member

    The list is an excellent idea, thanks. I am just waiting for the other shoe, or many other shoes, to drop. And yes, he thinks it is my problem, or his caregivers' problem. Owning the problem just doesn't seem to be in his DNA.
     
  8. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    It's amazing how they land on their feet and always seem to find a sucker / path of least resistance. difficult child flat out lied to me about sleeping in the park and starving (he was sleeping in the laundry room of another building in the complex, and getting food handouts from friends and some local missionaries). Especially if he's a narcissist, his primary #1 drive is to have his needs met. He'll make an effort to get you to do that for him, since you're the easiest avenue of endeavor, but if you don't give in he won't fall apart. He'll just find another sucker, and another, and another until he truly runs out of options (and if he's sufficiently resourceful or charming, that may take a long, long while). My best and most supportive thoughts are with you.
     
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We used to have a list of prepared responses for these kind of circumstances. I think it is in the PE archives. I will go look.

    ~Kathy
     
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Adding support and hugs-you've gotten great responses!
     
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thinking of you..... Will pray he stays safe and finds his way.... stay strong!
     
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm thinking of you too. My difficult child was also on the streets last winter, in the worst weather. She tried to bully us into letting her come home also but we were clear, we would help her get treatment or she could live elsewhere. It is gut wrenching and I understand your panic. I also agree that our difficult child's usually do land on their feet and some even decide it's time to get help.

    Sending you good thoughts for strength and peace in yoru decision.

    Nancy
     
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm thinking of you too. My difficult child was also on the streets last winter, in the worst weather. She tried to bully us into letting her come home also but we were clear, we would help her get treatment or she could live elsewhere. It is gut wrenching and I understand your panic. I also agree that our difficult child's usually do land on their feet and some even decide it's time to get help.

    Sending you good thoughts for strength and peace in your decision.

    Nancy
     
  15. AHF

    AHF Member

    Thanks, all. Apparently the program director pushed the panic button yesterday, and today he is scheduled for intake at a state mental-health facility. Now, this is tricky--they offer services to the indigent and those on "unmanaged Medicaid" (and we've filled out the Medicaid forms), but they turn away people who have private insurance (and he is on my policy). Right now I am standing back and letting the chips fall. He called last night to argue that he is going through this intake because he wants "a better living situation" and I pointed out that this was a psychiatric intake and that they were going to address his apparently deep depression, not find him a "better living situation." So basically I sense that the can is being kicked down the road, that he'll have a different roof over his head for a day or two and then he'll be looking at the streets again when they figure out that the depression was a performance. If anyone has experience with the Medicaid/insurance question, I'm all ears.
     
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I dont think a state mental hospital is a better living condition. He might find one of those if he would find a job and work! What a foreign concept...lol. I swear if some of these kids put a quarter of their energy into just going with the flow of normal life instead of trying to fight it at every turn, life would be so much easier for them.
     
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