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<blockquote data-quote="recovering doormat" data-source="post: 275977" data-attributes="member: 5941"><p>Dear Sunr,</p><p> </p><p>So sorry to read what you have been going through. My ex husband and I have been having similar problems with our son, who is 16, a sophomore in an urban high school with many other kids who dabble in recreational drug use and are disrespectful.</p><p> </p><p>I can't think of much to add to what Marguerite and the others have said, but I would like to make a couple of suggestions, based on what we have learned over the years:</p><p> </p><p>I think you need to protect yourselves and your younger son from the actions of your older son. There is a lot of truth in what Marguerite says, that you cannot control everything your 17 year old son does. If a child wants to misbehave they are very good at finding ways to do it beyond your control. And you and your wife could be found liable for whatever damages your son incurs while he is still a minor.</p><p> </p><p>It's good that you are in a position to consider changing environments, if it comes to that, but I would hate to see you uproot your younger son, if he is content where you are now and has friends, and completely disrupt your and your spouse's lives, attempting to keep your older child out of trouble. Kids seem to find other kids to drug with no matter where they go.</p><p> </p><p>Depending upon where you live, you could apply to the juvenile court for what they call "supervision." I believe it's called a PINS form, person in need of service, something like that. That's what we did for our son when he began to stay out with his friends, smoke pot, not answer his cell phone, leave the home without permission. He was 15 at the time. Supervision is one step below "probation." He was assigned a juvenile probation officer and together we came up with a "contract" of behaviors that we insisted he must observe (no drugs, must observe a curfew, go to school, etc.). He had to meet monthly with his PO and if he failed to comply, he would be bumped up to "probation" and run the risk of legal consequences, such as home monitoring (the ankle bracelet that tells the PO when he leaves the home), and as a last resort, detention in a juvenile facility, which is not a great place but a heck of a lot better than real prison. The court can also order him to attend a therapeutic school or residential treatment facility. This was essential for us because my son absolutely refused to cooperate and attend any residential program voluntarily. If we had chosen a treatment school or program within our state, the juvenile court would also have provided an "escort" service to get the child to the place, that is, several large, burly men to place him in an SUV and take him. Very hard on the parents, but sometimes you have to do these things to save your child.</p><p> </p><p>What is good about the juvenile supervision program is that you do not need to call the police. Believe me, I can relate to your wife's reluctance to call. It is very hard to do, even when your child is out of control. It is embarrassing to have the police cars show up at your home, and often the police are arrogant and dismissive (I had one policeman tell me that I should have had my exhusband hit my kid, and he laughed about it) and irritated that they have to do what they consider a parent's job. It adds insult to injury, sometimes. And sometimes you get a really good cop who knows about teenagers. But with a PO, you call them and they are the "bad guy."</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, just having a child stand before a judge can be intimidating enough to get them to rethink their behavior. It didn't with our son, because he figured that his mother and father would back down and not have him placed in a treatment facility for his pot smoking. He was wrong and we shocked him out of his shoes. He does not want to go back to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in Pennsylvania (three hours from our home). </p><p> </p><p>My ex and I struggled with the idea of therapeutic boarding schools for our two older kids, and it is a complicated business. You are right to be concerned about whether your child will comply and go, because most schools will not take a child who doesn't go willingly. Sometimes you can get the court to say, either/or, either you go to this therapeutic school or you go to juvenile detention. Some kids will opt for the boarding school, but some, like my son, insisted they would rather go to "juvie". He ended up changing his mind but right up until the time we got him admitted to the place in Penn., we were a wreck worried that he would change his mind and we'd have to bring him home. If you send him to a therapeutic boarding school, you have to research them carefully. Different schools have different behavioral modification philosophies. Some use a lot of one on one therapy and group therapy, plus medication if needed, and some are just glorified 12-step programs that use former addicts in place of clinical psychotherapy. My cousin attended a highly-touted school in the Northeast that made her even more manipulative and a better liar.</p><p> </p><p>And these schools are incredibly expensive. Many parents choose to hire an educational consultant to help them find an appropriate placement, since there is such a disparity in the quality of residential schools, but I have found, after hiring two and comparing notes with other parents, that they seem to gravitate toward a combination of wilderness program, then placement in a long-term boarding school (six to 18 months). Be prepared to take out a second mortgage. </p><p> </p><p>I would seriously consider approaching the juvenile court first and asking for help. I don't recall if you mentioned it in your post, but have you spoken to your child's guidance counselor and the school social worker or school psychologist, if there is one? They can help advise you as well.</p><p> </p><p>Good luck. If I can be of any help in giving you my opinion on certain specific schools and programs that I have researched myself, please feel free to private message me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recovering doormat, post: 275977, member: 5941"] Dear Sunr, So sorry to read what you have been going through. My ex husband and I have been having similar problems with our son, who is 16, a sophomore in an urban high school with many other kids who dabble in recreational drug use and are disrespectful. I can't think of much to add to what Marguerite and the others have said, but I would like to make a couple of suggestions, based on what we have learned over the years: I think you need to protect yourselves and your younger son from the actions of your older son. There is a lot of truth in what Marguerite says, that you cannot control everything your 17 year old son does. If a child wants to misbehave they are very good at finding ways to do it beyond your control. And you and your wife could be found liable for whatever damages your son incurs while he is still a minor. It's good that you are in a position to consider changing environments, if it comes to that, but I would hate to see you uproot your younger son, if he is content where you are now and has friends, and completely disrupt your and your spouse's lives, attempting to keep your older child out of trouble. Kids seem to find other kids to drug with no matter where they go. Depending upon where you live, you could apply to the juvenile court for what they call "supervision." I believe it's called a PINS form, person in need of service, something like that. That's what we did for our son when he began to stay out with his friends, smoke pot, not answer his cell phone, leave the home without permission. He was 15 at the time. Supervision is one step below "probation." He was assigned a juvenile probation officer and together we came up with a "contract" of behaviors that we insisted he must observe (no drugs, must observe a curfew, go to school, etc.). He had to meet monthly with his PO and if he failed to comply, he would be bumped up to "probation" and run the risk of legal consequences, such as home monitoring (the ankle bracelet that tells the PO when he leaves the home), and as a last resort, detention in a juvenile facility, which is not a great place but a heck of a lot better than real prison. The court can also order him to attend a therapeutic school or residential treatment facility. This was essential for us because my son absolutely refused to cooperate and attend any residential program voluntarily. If we had chosen a treatment school or program within our state, the juvenile court would also have provided an "escort" service to get the child to the place, that is, several large, burly men to place him in an SUV and take him. Very hard on the parents, but sometimes you have to do these things to save your child. What is good about the juvenile supervision program is that you do not need to call the police. Believe me, I can relate to your wife's reluctance to call. It is very hard to do, even when your child is out of control. It is embarrassing to have the police cars show up at your home, and often the police are arrogant and dismissive (I had one policeman tell me that I should have had my exhusband hit my kid, and he laughed about it) and irritated that they have to do what they consider a parent's job. It adds insult to injury, sometimes. And sometimes you get a really good cop who knows about teenagers. But with a PO, you call them and they are the "bad guy." Sometimes, just having a child stand before a judge can be intimidating enough to get them to rethink their behavior. It didn't with our son, because he figured that his mother and father would back down and not have him placed in a treatment facility for his pot smoking. He was wrong and we shocked him out of his shoes. He does not want to go back to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in Pennsylvania (three hours from our home). My ex and I struggled with the idea of therapeutic boarding schools for our two older kids, and it is a complicated business. You are right to be concerned about whether your child will comply and go, because most schools will not take a child who doesn't go willingly. Sometimes you can get the court to say, either/or, either you go to this therapeutic school or you go to juvenile detention. Some kids will opt for the boarding school, but some, like my son, insisted they would rather go to "juvie". He ended up changing his mind but right up until the time we got him admitted to the place in Penn., we were a wreck worried that he would change his mind and we'd have to bring him home. If you send him to a therapeutic boarding school, you have to research them carefully. Different schools have different behavioral modification philosophies. Some use a lot of one on one therapy and group therapy, plus medication if needed, and some are just glorified 12-step programs that use former addicts in place of clinical psychotherapy. My cousin attended a highly-touted school in the Northeast that made her even more manipulative and a better liar. And these schools are incredibly expensive. Many parents choose to hire an educational consultant to help them find an appropriate placement, since there is such a disparity in the quality of residential schools, but I have found, after hiring two and comparing notes with other parents, that they seem to gravitate toward a combination of wilderness program, then placement in a long-term boarding school (six to 18 months). Be prepared to take out a second mortgage. I would seriously consider approaching the juvenile court first and asking for help. I don't recall if you mentioned it in your post, but have you spoken to your child's guidance counselor and the school social worker or school psychologist, if there is one? They can help advise you as well. Good luck. If I can be of any help in giving you my opinion on certain specific schools and programs that I have researched myself, please feel free to private message me. [/QUOTE]
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