Need to run away

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Peanut21762, Jun 23, 2016.

  1. Peanut21762

    Peanut21762 New Member

    Okay, I'm not sure I can sit by and watch my 18 year old son slowly kill himself. We discovered a few years ago that he had been smoking pot, we drug tested him and that was the only thing that came up. He had been smoking at a friend's house whose parents actually let the kids smoke there so they wouldn't get into trouble outside. We then put the brakes on that relationship since back then he was way too young to drive and we live in an area where walking to some friends houses just isn't possible. Then this particular friend moved closer to our house and needless to say they started hanging out again. I found this out when I was driving down the street and saw my son duck behind a car. I drove over and called him from my cell asking where he was. Of course he lied and said he was somewhere else. I told him he had about 5 seconds to come and get in the car or things would be really embarrassing. He came out and we went home. My husband I agreed on a punishment and stuck to it. He was great for quite a while. Actually staying in on his own, playing Xbox with other kids online, going to baseball games with us. Things seemed pretty normal. Once he started high school things went bad quickly. He had a curfew and he did always stick to it with some exceptions, parties and such. If we went out we always made it a point to be in before him. One Friday evening we went out for a late dinner, his curfew was 11:00 so we were home by 10:30. When we walked up to the door we found his key was still in the knob and he was passed out on the couch. When my husband lifted him up, I thought he was dying. He tried to tell us he had taken percocet but I knew it needed to be something else and was ready to call 911. My husband talked me out of it and took him to bed. It has been a nightmare ever since. Back in September of last year he overdosed on something called seroquil and xanax. An entire week of hallucinations and nightmares. Took him to the ER and they said the effect would eventually wear off but he would be sick for a few days. By the time we had gotten him home he was vomiting for at least 8 hours (not continuously), every time he would drink something. He looked at me just like he did when he was little and said "I just want to feel like myself". Although my heart was breaking, my reply was "How do you know how that feels when you're high all the time?" After that he stayed clean, he avoided his friends and was completely drug free. Now he's back with the old gang and once he turned 18 he thinks he can do anything he wants. He's totally out of control and completely disrespectful (more so than before) refusing to take a drug test and blaming me and my husband for everything that is wrong in his life. How we treat him differently than his brother. We've tried to explain, they've both been provided the same opportunities but he chose to make bad decisions which led him to where he is today. He is the only one who can change what is going wrong with his life. We've given him a month to either find a place to live or get help. Prayers to St. Rita for all that are going through this as well.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Peanut welcome.

    Has your son ever been to rehab? I would give him that choice if you can. I do think he needs it.

    We have been on this road for 5 years and my son has been in rehab now for the 4th time. I pray you don't have to endure it for as long as we have.

    It's a tough road but him being educated and you and your family being educated on drug abuse is the very first step. We are not equipped to handle this type of thing normally. We need help!

    You've come to the right place and you are not alone. I think I'd have lost my mind if not for this forum.
  3. Peanut21762

    Peanut21762 New Member

    Thank you. No, he has not been to rehab, can't get him to agree. This (2nd time) he crashed the car we told him he either needs to get help or get out. It's been going on for more than 3 years now and it's killing us inside. My older son lives away at school in the winter but is home now and I really feel bad for him.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Peanut and welcome. I need to run away too, can I come with you?
    I have been dealing with similar issues for a long time. It is hard road to travel, to love someone dearly who seems bound and determined to make a mess of their life, and drag us along for the hell ride.
    I am so sorry for your heartache.
    You matter and the peace of your heart, mind and home is first and foremost.
    It sounds as if you have set a boundary and have a plan. This is good. Our d cs will do as they wish and it is unacceptable that their choices affect us so detrimentally.
    I would check with your State on eviction process, as some laws view adult children as tenants and you may need to go that route.
    You are right that the only one who can change your son is himself. It sounds from your post that you have tried everything to help him.
    There is a good article on the PE forum about detachment that is very helpful in setting and keeping boundaries. We can still love our adult children and at the same time have our limits.
    My heart goes out to you Peanut. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We are all on similar paths, what works for some doesn't work for all. There is no judgement here, just advice and opinions that you can take or leave, use what fits. Just know that the folks here have been through a lot and understand the pain of it. Welcome to our little corner, so so sorry for your need to be here.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son never wanted to go either but they need to. My husband and I learned a lot also. It's a DEMON and there is no other way to put it. Unfortunately usually one time doesn't do the trick if they come back into the same environment. I could write a book.

    Your son is 18 now so you no longer have to keep him in your home. You are enabling him by doing this and I know it's very hard to understand.

    Others will give you great advice here. I have lived it myself. It's the most horrible thing I have ever been through. We get it here.
  6. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    Sounds similar to my son who almost 24. He started in middle school with the weed and alcohol. In HS it went on to xanax, more alcohol...who knows what else. I'd be afraid to know.
    Same disrespectful attitude too, I guess that often goes along with the drug use. Now that he's been sober (today day 90:smile:), he's been much different. Nice, even. Ha.
    I have recently told him 'you've been high for almost 10yrs, you need to stay sober and find out who you really are and what you want for your life!' I have suspected for several years now that he suffers from some type of (social) anxiety, which I think he tries to self-medicate. In the process, he became an addict. Since he's been sober, I am seeing with more clarity than ever, that he does indeed have anxiety. Though he hides it VERY'd never know by speaking/interacting with him.
    I'm sorry you had to find CD.

    PS by reading our signature lines, many of us have down there, a brief description of 'our' addict.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Blaming us is both typical and ridicules. We aren't buying the drugs or forcing it into them. And even if it were true that Johnny got more privileges and positive talk than Joey, this is not your forcing Joey to go on a pity party and take drugs. It's his decision. He is now eighteen and you can't force him to do anything, but you can set boundaries.

    You can insist he work, go to rehab, anything you are comfortable with really...or your stipulation can be that if he wants to do whatever he wants, he can't live with you or get money from you. Most choose homelessness rather than growing up, but many eventually get tired of the drug life and do grow up, but not under our roof where they terrorize everyone. Parents seem to make adult children stay child like and we easily fall into "mommy" mode by trying to fix them and doing things for them (cooking, cleaning their room, laundry) that they should be doing themselves. They are too old to need a mommy. They benefit from a mature friendship and love from a mother, not a mommy

    They should never have power over us. It is good for both you and him for him to learn he can lose your monetary/housing support unless he listens to your rules. Your house/your sanctuary/your rules, not his until he pays all your bills. That is real life.

    The price of remaining dependent on anyone, regardless of age, is that you either respect their rules or they can decide to cut you off.

    I am sorry you are going through this. If he breaks the law, if it were me, I'd call the cops. We can't rescue them forever. Its not helping them for us to be a white knight and to let them get away with abusing us, stealing from us, assaulting us or our home, or taking illegal drugs in our home. And if you don't like pot and it's legal where you live, in your own sanctuary you can ban all forms of smoking. We do that. Nobody smokes anything here and nobody gets drunk and stays either. In others homes we abide by their rules and we expect the same in our home from others, kids included.

    You actually hold all the cards, but your son is manipulating you and his lies are making you feel guilty.

    A good therapist may help guide you through coping with this son. Good luck! Post again :)
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2016
  8. Peanut21762

    Peanut21762 New Member

    Hi Leafy,
    Thank you for the hugs. Really need them. I'm sure he could as well but it's been so long since he even let me near him. We used to do everything together he would even help me deliver the orders from my home business. Was so outgoing, now so withdrawn. I am trying the tough love angle to see where that goes. He is 18, dropped out of high school but did get his GED. He promised when we let him drop out that he would get the GED and go to trade school. Now he's saying he doesn't want to go to trade school. Well now it's time to start paying your own way I told him. He only works 3 days a week (26 hours) and I was giving him lunch money until this week. I told him he makes enough money to buy the things he wants so now it's time to buy his own lunch. Didn't even get his father a card for father's day. My husband has always been so good to him. He's good to both kids but they had a special connection because they are both sports nuts. My son, not so much anymore. But my husband would take him to baseball games, basketball games, player's signings. Whatever he wanted. Although when he wanted his license I said I didn't think that was a good idea but my husband insisted, said he needed some normalcy in his life. Needed to start driving himself to work. The first night he had his license he came home with so much pot, we found in his bedroom. His reasoning was he didn't intend to smoke it, he was going to sell it. The list just goes on, too long to type here. Anyway, he's been in two accidents in less than a year and last night my husband actually asked me if my son agreed to go to rehab and get help, could we give him the car back. I didn't mean it but I actually started to laugh. I think I really wanted to cry. I just said you bought the car, it's in your name, do what you think is right. He then said, probably not a good idea. I'm sticking with what you think, you've been right about everything so far. I've been with my hubby for more than 30 years if you count the 5 we dated and in all those years I can count on one hand the amount of times I've heard those words come from his mouth. But last night I kind of felt bad about being right.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Looks like I posted two responses here. Ha ha sorry. I'll keep both as maybe there are new thoughts in THIS response lol. Take what you like and leave the rest in every response. We are just idea givers.

    'm glad your husband gets it now. You ARE right in my opinion. I can not figure out why so many parents think their kids should get free cars, especially nice ones, and not make them learn responsibility either by paying their own car insurance/gas. They don't need us to buy them such expensive and dangerous toys and then also pick up the cars tab. A car is a guided missile in the hands of a disturbed, drug using teen.

    It especially puzzles me when a parent knows the kid is on drugs, even pot. Pot impedes coordination and our reflexes and is often mixed with other drugs and in my opinion it's not okay to drive on pot hope we start doing tough pot driving laws. As it becomes more and more legal, I think it will happen. And pot stays in one's system for a long time, continuing to impede the driver. Vent over. I think your husband was silly to get him a car with what he knows. Who paid for his car accidents? Sell the car.

    when I caught my daughter with any drugs, including cigarettes (no smoking anything in our house plus she was underage) we threw it out. One time we called the cops, hoping to scare her. It didn't work, but she eventually quit at nineteen saying, "it's too hard to use drugs." Twelve years later, her life is very productive and normal. We used tough love. For her it worked really well. She didn't get a thing from us. We have an excellent relationship with her, SO and grandbaby. Don't be afraid to do the right thing. My daughter was angry then, but is grateful now.

    Sounds like you two have an enduring relationship (you and hub). Maybe therapy on how to deal with Son could help if you can find a good therapist. Your son no longer needs to live with you if he refuses to respect your rules. It is your home and sanctuary. Your home/your rules.

    Sending hugs and good luck vibes.
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2016
  10. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Hi Peanut,

    My go to advice, from my own experience, is find a Nar-Anon meeting. They are a great source of support. You will be amazed to find out how many people out there are living the same life you are.

    Other things: Addicts are manipulators. They manipulate you in all aspects of life. Especially emotionally. Every single addict I've ever had the "pleasure" to know has played the blame game. My own sister told me it was my fault because I took her kids away from her. The problem with that being, she was an addict long before she had kids, and the state took her kids away. I kept them out of foster care. You have to let the B.S. they spew when high or actively using go in one ear and out the other. It's not coming from a clear mind.

    One of the big things AA/NA teaches in regards to relapse is "people, places, and things." How people and places relate to relapse is obvious. If you are around drugs or people using drugs, you are going to use. Things is a little more difficult. What you can tell you husband, and he is coming from a place of kindness, is, in my experience the 2 biggest things I have seen lead to relapse is 1) Money. That is pretty obvious. You have money to buy drugs. You don't have to steal or hustle or con or prostitute. (yeah things are pretty ugly in my world). 2) Vehicles. It just seems that once an addict that isn't pretty far into recovery gets a vehicle they relapse. One woman in my group her daughter was using her car as a hack cab to earn money for drugs. One girl was lending her car to drug dealers in exchange for drugs. Both found this out when they had to get the car out of impound. On the surface, and most simply, if you have transportation it is easier to go get drugs. When you have to take a bus, or train, or subway you have more time to think about what you are doing. I don't even need to mention the liability of driving under the influence, especially if the car is in your name.

    The other thing is limit setting, and that is the hardest thing to do. To say, "You have to leave, and I am not going to do anything more for you other than wish you good luck." All of us have struggled and still struggle with this. Where to draw the line between enabling and helping. I wasn't willing to cut my sister off until she stole the ridiculously expensive special formula her heroin addicted daughter, whom I have custody of, needed and sold it for drug money.

    You may be at an impasse. It may have come to the point where you have to tell your son "get help or get out." It's a heck of a hard thing to do.

    Try to get your ducks in a row. Cal your insurance company. Find out what inpatient treatment they will pay for. Call the treatment centers, find out what needs to be done. Many have counselors who will be very helpful on the phone. Then sit down with your son and say, "Here is the plan, take it or leave it, but you can't stay here if you are using drugs."

    Mind, that it often doesn't work when you force them into treatment, but I always hold out hope that something will stick, and eventually all those pieces will get patched together.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Peanut, your story is very similar to mine. You gave him the choice to get help or find alternative living arrangements, good for you. We did that also. It was the only thing that saved our sanity and possibly our daughter's life. She left and the next few years were difficult. She still drinks far far too much but it is no longer my problem or under our noses. We love her to death but her life is hers. They need to learn the consequences of their behavior.
  12. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    How do you read someone's signature line?
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Worried Sick - it shows up right below each post - if they have put one in.
  14. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Welcome , sorry for your need to be here. This forum as helped me so much and I know will help you too. It's just so good to know you're not alone and to have a place to vent and get advice.
    Tough love is so hard to do. Detachment is the hardest thing in the world, has been for me . Sounds like you're on the right track with demanding your son change or move out. Just make sure whatever you tell your son that you always stick to what you say. This is something I've struggled with for sure.
    My son started out with marjuana also and somehow convinced me that it wasn't that big of deal. He wasn't living in my home (he was away at college) or never did this around me but I was helping support him to live on his own. My son is recently clean after going to rehab but ended up a heroin addict. I knew something wasn't right and demanded drug test which he refused to take convincing me I was a terrible mother for asking him to take so I stopped giving money but I still enabled by providing a car( that he totaled and got a DUI) insurance, cell phone. When we provide anything for our drug abusing children then they can use their money for drugs. My son was using the car to transport drug dealers from another state and bringing them to the small college town where he lives to sell drugs for 3-4 days then he would take them back. They would give him gas money , pay him and give him drugs. No wonder he didn't need my money. So smart decision about the car on your part.
    We all understand what you're going through here. I highly recommend you go to alanon meetings and even start seeing a counselor that specializes in drugs and alcohol. Also keep posting here it really helps.
  15. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Do you have to be on a computer to see the signature? I only use on my phone and can't figure it out.
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I think so Wsm, I can't see signatures on my phone either....
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I just made an appointment to see a therapist on Monday to deal with my son's addiction and all that has happened and continues to happen.

    I kept putting it off. I need to do this for myself so I can take that one hour per week and get things off my chest so I can spend the rest of my week living my life.:imok:
  18. Peanut21762

    Peanut21762 New Member

    Just had a doctor visit this morning. Cried my eyes out telling her everything we've been going through. She sent a prescription to my pharmacy for an anti-depressant and suggested I see a therapist as well. It felt so good to talk to a professional even though she's not a therapist she was so compassionate and genuine. I will look up therapists on Monday who work with my insurance and give that a try. Although in the back of my mind I can't understand how this will help me feel better knowing my son is actually the very sick one. I know he is 18, but he is my baby boy and at 18 he could still have a great life if we could convince him to clean himself up. Thank you everyone for sharing and take good care over the weekend. I think this is better for me than the meetings.
  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I don't know if you've ever seen a therapist for anything before but if you get the right one, it helps greatly. When our kids are sick we're sick too.

    My son is 20 and just overdosed after four months sober. Thank God he is okay but will this be enough of a scare to make him really STOP this time?

    It started with weed and then he abused his anxiety pills which made him not afraid of pills in general. Not good.

    This forum helps me a great deal but I think the one-on-one with a therapist just focusing on MY feelings will help me in a different way. My husband is sick of talking about it. I don't want to burden my friends with the talk. They feel just awful. Some of them babysat for him when he was young.

    Hugs and hang in there.
  20. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member


    Hang in there... So many here have great advice and are supportive. I don't know how I managed before ....

    We all have aching hearts, and having others who can relate with no judgement is such a gift.

    Keep posting