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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 151056" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I can tell you our story (saga) er.....trillogy. </p><p></p><p>Dudes bio dad and I were in a violent relationship. Dude was very little, but saw and experienced a lot. I took myself and Dude out of that situation nearly 13 years ago. It left me penniless, with no job, no home, no support and with a very angry 6 year old kid who really would have killed a neighbor boy just for asking "can I help?" to fix a bike one day.</p><p></p><p>That was the first time I took him for help. The only option given to me was the state psychiatric. hops. He was so little, tired, skinny, angry. I figured it was awful, but the rages had gone on and on for so long, and school was ready to kick him out, and I had no one. So off he went. They put him on a ton of medications he got to a point where he could manage and come back home. LIttle did I know this was the beginning of a longer journey than I was prepared for. My son is now 17 and living with Therapeutic foster parents. </p><p></p><p>When he was 8 I met DF and we chose to share our home with him. At age 10 and while in an 18 month placement at an out of town Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he asked my DF to be his Dad. Bio dad has never been supportive, sent money to a PO box or anything. </p><p></p><p>Over the years - DF and I have wiped our slate clean, given our son tons and tons of chances. And I mean DF should get a St. hood from the Pope for step-dads who went above and beyond. WE've had Dude in over 13 placements, 4 psychiatric hospital stays, respite, therapy, family therapy, play therapy, individual hypnoses, we've had MRI's, blood tests, heavy metals tests, eeg, EKGs, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) specialists to be told there is no damage, it's not organic - he's just a willful child. That made us step up our therapy by going 2x a week for the last mmmm 4 years. And countless parenting classes, numerous books and theories, 65 medications and combinations of medications. We let him run away, we've called the police on him when he got violent towards me, we've offered to hire him an atty. to prosecute his bio father for molesting him and giving him to his crack dealer in trade at 5 years old. WE've allowed him to spend time with other parents, we've listened to what the psychiatrists have had to say, endured countless incorrect "guessable" diagnoses of exactly what is wrong with him - and stuck by him driving 5 hours each weekend some times ONLY to turn around and go right back home due to his behavior - we have ALWAYS let him know we're there for him ALWAYS IN ALL WAYS. And each time - it was taken with the least amount of sincerity a child could give a parent, not appreciated and always when we said "Okay - wiping the slate clean - you can come home - it would be fine for a few months, everyone got excited and then KAAAAAAABOOM!"</p><p></p><p>In those years - my health has suffered tremendously. DF had major back surgery and remains disabled. I was told either the stress was going to kill me or put him out of the house. A peer in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) broke his jaw in 2006 and he ended up in surgery and BACK in our home - and made our lives a living hell. During this time he ran away - told people I beat him up, burned his books, and threw his clothes away. Then he started running with a bad crowd and got arrested for 3 counts of burglary, 2 in the second degree (punishable by 20 years to life for each count) and 11 counts of conspiracy, and one count of something else and at this point who cares? So we endured him trying to commit suicide, then going to Department of Juvenile Justice, then going to court - and he got probation, HUGE fines, and brought him home again. BIG , FREAKING HUGE MISTAKE. It didn't work - he stressed our home out so badly I had a stroke, my hair was falling out - I was sick all the time. I hated to even come home.</p><p></p><p>So we sent him to a group home again - for life skills training and he told his caseworker on the way out of the drive 'OMG I am SOoooooooo glad to be out of there - they have so many freaking rules." = YEah go to 1/2 days of school, take out the trash, keep your room presentable, don't hide your crappy underpants, and dont' play filthy rap music so loud it rattles the house." And here son - $20 a week allownace for taking out the trash. </p><p></p><p>So he went to the group home, and there was no supervision like we were told, the conditions were horrible but Dude lies so much we didn't believe him until we actually went to the place to get his belongings because he was accused of attempted burglary - and now is looking at 15 year in prison. We figured he'd be so glad to get home - that he would CERTAINLY listen to the rules this time - and he did do a little better - but within a week - he had broken so much stuff, stolen from us again, lied, and this time when I snapped - I thought I was having a heart attack and THAT was it!!!!! My DF called his caseworker at 11:30 PM and told him THAT HE HAD BETTER FIND a place for his son TO-MOR-ROW or we would take him to the jail and leave him, revoke our home, land and brains - for the bond we put up to get him out because well - we just HAD to help him out again. Figuring he would CERTAINLY be helpful around the house without asking - and nope - slapped again. </p><p></p><p>And don't think - that it didn't hurt when he left for the Foster family either - it ALWAYS stinks - but it was either there or back to jail. And it still may be jail - and this is all the time I have to spend with him - but we stopped helping, stopped calling, stopped offering to give him rides, and now as sick and hard as it sounds - he's treated like someone elses kid that we know. It was and is the only thing that we have ever done - (sorta turning our backs) that has made him see - OH DANG - MOM AND DAD are serious. ANd with a teenager who has all the problems mine has and is about 5 years mentally behind his age? IT DOES NOT COME OFF as "Mom and Dad are serious" it comes off like - OH MOM AND DAD DON'T LOVE ME...and there is a load of self-pity and manipulations that comes with doing what we did - but for the first time in his life he's closer to growing up than any other -</p><p></p><p>He's working odd jobs (never could before and now can)</p><p>He's going to GED classes (never could before and now is)</p><p>He's thinking about what about MY tomorrow (not before this)</p><p>He's thinking and learning what it means to get along with other people because Mommy and Daddy are NOT there to bail you out. And while he can belive what he wants to - we DO love him. If we didn't we'd have let him stay and continued to live like we did, I would have died or stroked out - and life as we know it now (very peaceful, and healing between DF and I) would not exist.</p><p></p><p>Actually DF wouldn't be here - no man should have to edure what he did and not be someone's blood relative. But he did - and I did - and like it or not THIS is what we get to say when we describe "family" to someone else.</p><p></p><p>I won't say that I would NEVER allow my son to come home - but I CAN tell you that I won't tolerate his crap - and unless that doesn't come with him at least one time in the future - he's never going to live here again. IF he grows up and is respectful? Maybe. I hope not - I hope our doing this helps him find his own way and grow up and support himself - and THEN if he needs help - sure. I'll be there with bells on - but he's got to help himself first without my help so he knows he can do it. </p><p></p><p>I hope this helps you =</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 151056, member: 4964"] I can tell you our story (saga) er.....trillogy. Dudes bio dad and I were in a violent relationship. Dude was very little, but saw and experienced a lot. I took myself and Dude out of that situation nearly 13 years ago. It left me penniless, with no job, no home, no support and with a very angry 6 year old kid who really would have killed a neighbor boy just for asking "can I help?" to fix a bike one day. That was the first time I took him for help. The only option given to me was the state psychiatric. hops. He was so little, tired, skinny, angry. I figured it was awful, but the rages had gone on and on for so long, and school was ready to kick him out, and I had no one. So off he went. They put him on a ton of medications he got to a point where he could manage and come back home. LIttle did I know this was the beginning of a longer journey than I was prepared for. My son is now 17 and living with Therapeutic foster parents. When he was 8 I met DF and we chose to share our home with him. At age 10 and while in an 18 month placement at an out of town Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he asked my DF to be his Dad. Bio dad has never been supportive, sent money to a PO box or anything. Over the years - DF and I have wiped our slate clean, given our son tons and tons of chances. And I mean DF should get a St. hood from the Pope for step-dads who went above and beyond. WE've had Dude in over 13 placements, 4 psychiatric hospital stays, respite, therapy, family therapy, play therapy, individual hypnoses, we've had MRI's, blood tests, heavy metals tests, eeg, EKGs, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) specialists to be told there is no damage, it's not organic - he's just a willful child. That made us step up our therapy by going 2x a week for the last mmmm 4 years. And countless parenting classes, numerous books and theories, 65 medications and combinations of medications. We let him run away, we've called the police on him when he got violent towards me, we've offered to hire him an atty. to prosecute his bio father for molesting him and giving him to his crack dealer in trade at 5 years old. WE've allowed him to spend time with other parents, we've listened to what the psychiatrists have had to say, endured countless incorrect "guessable" diagnoses of exactly what is wrong with him - and stuck by him driving 5 hours each weekend some times ONLY to turn around and go right back home due to his behavior - we have ALWAYS let him know we're there for him ALWAYS IN ALL WAYS. And each time - it was taken with the least amount of sincerity a child could give a parent, not appreciated and always when we said "Okay - wiping the slate clean - you can come home - it would be fine for a few months, everyone got excited and then KAAAAAAABOOM!" In those years - my health has suffered tremendously. DF had major back surgery and remains disabled. I was told either the stress was going to kill me or put him out of the house. A peer in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) broke his jaw in 2006 and he ended up in surgery and BACK in our home - and made our lives a living hell. During this time he ran away - told people I beat him up, burned his books, and threw his clothes away. Then he started running with a bad crowd and got arrested for 3 counts of burglary, 2 in the second degree (punishable by 20 years to life for each count) and 11 counts of conspiracy, and one count of something else and at this point who cares? So we endured him trying to commit suicide, then going to Department of Juvenile Justice, then going to court - and he got probation, HUGE fines, and brought him home again. BIG , FREAKING HUGE MISTAKE. It didn't work - he stressed our home out so badly I had a stroke, my hair was falling out - I was sick all the time. I hated to even come home. So we sent him to a group home again - for life skills training and he told his caseworker on the way out of the drive 'OMG I am SOoooooooo glad to be out of there - they have so many freaking rules." = YEah go to 1/2 days of school, take out the trash, keep your room presentable, don't hide your crappy underpants, and dont' play filthy rap music so loud it rattles the house." And here son - $20 a week allownace for taking out the trash. So he went to the group home, and there was no supervision like we were told, the conditions were horrible but Dude lies so much we didn't believe him until we actually went to the place to get his belongings because he was accused of attempted burglary - and now is looking at 15 year in prison. We figured he'd be so glad to get home - that he would CERTAINLY listen to the rules this time - and he did do a little better - but within a week - he had broken so much stuff, stolen from us again, lied, and this time when I snapped - I thought I was having a heart attack and THAT was it!!!!! My DF called his caseworker at 11:30 PM and told him THAT HE HAD BETTER FIND a place for his son TO-MOR-ROW or we would take him to the jail and leave him, revoke our home, land and brains - for the bond we put up to get him out because well - we just HAD to help him out again. Figuring he would CERTAINLY be helpful around the house without asking - and nope - slapped again. And don't think - that it didn't hurt when he left for the Foster family either - it ALWAYS stinks - but it was either there or back to jail. And it still may be jail - and this is all the time I have to spend with him - but we stopped helping, stopped calling, stopped offering to give him rides, and now as sick and hard as it sounds - he's treated like someone elses kid that we know. It was and is the only thing that we have ever done - (sorta turning our backs) that has made him see - OH DANG - MOM AND DAD are serious. ANd with a teenager who has all the problems mine has and is about 5 years mentally behind his age? IT DOES NOT COME OFF as "Mom and Dad are serious" it comes off like - OH MOM AND DAD DON'T LOVE ME...and there is a load of self-pity and manipulations that comes with doing what we did - but for the first time in his life he's closer to growing up than any other - He's working odd jobs (never could before and now can) He's going to GED classes (never could before and now is) He's thinking about what about MY tomorrow (not before this) He's thinking and learning what it means to get along with other people because Mommy and Daddy are NOT there to bail you out. And while he can belive what he wants to - we DO love him. If we didn't we'd have let him stay and continued to live like we did, I would have died or stroked out - and life as we know it now (very peaceful, and healing between DF and I) would not exist. Actually DF wouldn't be here - no man should have to edure what he did and not be someone's blood relative. But he did - and I did - and like it or not THIS is what we get to say when we describe "family" to someone else. I won't say that I would NEVER allow my son to come home - but I CAN tell you that I won't tolerate his crap - and unless that doesn't come with him at least one time in the future - he's never going to live here again. IF he grows up and is respectful? Maybe. I hope not - I hope our doing this helps him find his own way and grow up and support himself - and THEN if he needs help - sure. I'll be there with bells on - but he's got to help himself first without my help so he knows he can do it. I hope this helps you = [/QUOTE]
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