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Need your help with husband
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<blockquote data-quote="mstang67chic" data-source="post: 151421" data-attributes="member: 2459"><p>With difficult child, I don't think the learning of life skills and such is a "can't" issue so much as it is a "won't". Granted, there are some things that he has issues with but I'm not entirely sure that it's only because he doesn't want to put the effort into working on learning this or that. Before he came to us, even with the various moves and foster homes, in some ways he had it easy. Things were basically handed to him, discipline was a lot of times minor because "he's been through a lot lately", and he's never really been made to face the consequences of his actions. At least not till we got him and even after 9 years, he still doesn't/won't get it.</p><p></p><p>There are options for him if we kick him out. They may not be the great apartment and job that he wants but they are options. The place he gets counseling and services through has a couple of foster type temporary places he could go and there is also a shelter in the next county. We would love to get him into a halfway house/group home setting but he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with those ideas even if we could find one. </p><p></p><p>He has all sorts of people on his side including an adult case manager. I've told him REPEATEDLY since the deadline that we will help. BUT, he still has to do this himself. If he's not sure how to go about doing something, ASK us or his CM. We will help. He's never been one to ask for help. OR if he does, if he doesn't get the results he wants (usually someone to do it for him) IMMEDIATELY, he gets mad and gives up. This has been his way since we got him whether it's homework, lifeskills or whatever. He just refuses to put any effort into his own life. Perfect example....we had an IEP update meeting shortly after his 18th birthday. There were a few "new" issues brought up but basically it was the same goals that have been in place for YEARS. The head of special services (Mr. B) for the school district was in the meeting and flat out voiced my opinion. He basically wondered why we were all there. It's been the same goals for so long and difficult child has basically done nothing to reach any of the set goals. difficult child SAYS he will do A, B and C but doesn't. Actually, Mr. B sounded a bit frustrated and annoyed and I was in total agreement with him. difficult child talks big but does little to nothing to back it up. Always has. </p><p></p><p>Don't get me wrong, I understand where husband is coming from, I do. But I also have seen difficult child's record of effort over the years. (The boy actually told a counselor that he "doesn't DO effort".) I don't think difficult child can live on his own without help. BUT he's GOT to learn to ask for it and actually listen to what is told to him without thinking that he already knows it and everyone is stupid. He's got to put EFFORT into his own life. If I saw any sign of that short of sporadic follow up calls to places he's applied to, I would be willing to compromise more than I am. The thing is, I don't so I'm not. And even if there is something going on to where he CAN'T do some of these things, he's lied and manipulated for so long that I honestly can't tell sometimes. </p><p></p><p>If he would just TRY and cooperate with the efforts on the part of many people to help him, I would compromise. You just can't tell him anything. He knows what he's talking about and there's no explaining things to him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mstang67chic, post: 151421, member: 2459"] With difficult child, I don't think the learning of life skills and such is a "can't" issue so much as it is a "won't". Granted, there are some things that he has issues with but I'm not entirely sure that it's only because he doesn't want to put the effort into working on learning this or that. Before he came to us, even with the various moves and foster homes, in some ways he had it easy. Things were basically handed to him, discipline was a lot of times minor because "he's been through a lot lately", and he's never really been made to face the consequences of his actions. At least not till we got him and even after 9 years, he still doesn't/won't get it. There are options for him if we kick him out. They may not be the great apartment and job that he wants but they are options. The place he gets counseling and services through has a couple of foster type temporary places he could go and there is also a shelter in the next county. We would love to get him into a halfway house/group home setting but he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with those ideas even if we could find one. He has all sorts of people on his side including an adult case manager. I've told him REPEATEDLY since the deadline that we will help. BUT, he still has to do this himself. If he's not sure how to go about doing something, ASK us or his CM. We will help. He's never been one to ask for help. OR if he does, if he doesn't get the results he wants (usually someone to do it for him) IMMEDIATELY, he gets mad and gives up. This has been his way since we got him whether it's homework, lifeskills or whatever. He just refuses to put any effort into his own life. Perfect example....we had an IEP update meeting shortly after his 18th birthday. There were a few "new" issues brought up but basically it was the same goals that have been in place for YEARS. The head of special services (Mr. B) for the school district was in the meeting and flat out voiced my opinion. He basically wondered why we were all there. It's been the same goals for so long and difficult child has basically done nothing to reach any of the set goals. difficult child SAYS he will do A, B and C but doesn't. Actually, Mr. B sounded a bit frustrated and annoyed and I was in total agreement with him. difficult child talks big but does little to nothing to back it up. Always has. Don't get me wrong, I understand where husband is coming from, I do. But I also have seen difficult child's record of effort over the years. (The boy actually told a counselor that he "doesn't DO effort".) I don't think difficult child can live on his own without help. BUT he's GOT to learn to ask for it and actually listen to what is told to him without thinking that he already knows it and everyone is stupid. He's got to put EFFORT into his own life. If I saw any sign of that short of sporadic follow up calls to places he's applied to, I would be willing to compromise more than I am. The thing is, I don't so I'm not. And even if there is something going on to where he CAN'T do some of these things, he's lied and manipulated for so long that I honestly can't tell sometimes. If he would just TRY and cooperate with the efforts on the part of many people to help him, I would compromise. You just can't tell him anything. He knows what he's talking about and there's no explaining things to him. [/QUOTE]
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