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Need your honest advice..am I an enabler to my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="tryinghard" data-source="post: 133734" data-attributes="member: 4570"><p>Thank you all for your feedback,</p><p> </p><p>Interesting that you have all asked if I am comfortable with his diagnosis. Honestly, NO. I have a friend whose son is austic. I have always been shocked at how similar my son is to hers in some ways. I personally have always believed that ADHD is on the spectrum of Autism. I am in the process of getting a NeuroPhysic (not sure if I spelled this right) because I think there is more going on. He was diagnosis'd by a developmental pediatrician with his ADHD. BUT after reading so many comments on this post, I do not think she was open to other options and was only focused on ADHD.</p><p> </p><p>My difficult child does not learn very well by natural consequences, especially school. When he has missing homework and it brings it grade down (recently his A in Science went to an F because he completed a project wrong) he just looked stunned and confused. He was so happy about his A he didn't understand how it happened. When I explained to him how the project counted toward "more" of his grade he just sat there. So I asked him, what do you think you can do now. He said, i don't know what to do. I told him that he could talk to the teacher to see if he could do the project over. I explained that even if she counted it as late, or gave him half credit, it could\would bring his grade up. Again, if I do not work with him, he doesn't have logic skills or drive like other kids his age.</p><p> </p><p>The one thing I do that I probably need to stop is laying out his clothes in the morning. I do it because he is so slow in the morning, and if we are running late, it is easier for me to pull them out while he is in the shower and have them ready for him versus having him do it and 15 minutes later he has on a mismatch outfit<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/sweating.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":sweating:" title="sweating :sweating:" data-shortname=":sweating:" />. My husband says that my doing this is ridiculous for a 12 year old and I need to stop. So, this will be the next thing I have my difficult child start doing for himself.</p><p> </p><p>As I mentioned, I have a 17 year old easy child. In sixth grade I had her take on all school as her responsiblity not mine. She knew I was their to help/support in any way. She stumbled, and I had to step back in to guide her. In seventh grade, she had the maturity, connection and drive to do it all herself. She is graduating this year and has been accepted to all the colleges she applied for. She is extremely responsible and mature. I know in grade school teachers gave me the same "this is her responsbility. not yours" speech but my mommy gut told me that she was not capable of doing it. When we tried, she would sink.</p><p> </p><p>I just do not want to enable my son. My mommy gut tells me he can't do it all right now..that I need to take small steps and make sure he is ready and he feels sucessful not defeated. </p><p> </p><p>Thank you. I read this site at least two times a day. I find some great advice and it is first time I have not felt alone. Feeling alone, while all my friends kids can do it on their own, and wondering my child cannot was heartbreaking. I realize now that my child is not alone, and neither am I. And you know what...unless you walk in our shoes you do not understand. Doctors do not understand, schoold does not understand, daycare does not understand, relatives do not understand...I could go on and on but I know I am preaching to the choir...BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTAND<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tryinghard, post: 133734, member: 4570"] Thank you all for your feedback, Interesting that you have all asked if I am comfortable with his diagnosis. Honestly, NO. I have a friend whose son is austic. I have always been shocked at how similar my son is to hers in some ways. I personally have always believed that ADHD is on the spectrum of Autism. I am in the process of getting a NeuroPhysic (not sure if I spelled this right) because I think there is more going on. He was diagnosis'd by a developmental pediatrician with his ADHD. BUT after reading so many comments on this post, I do not think she was open to other options and was only focused on ADHD. My difficult child does not learn very well by natural consequences, especially school. When he has missing homework and it brings it grade down (recently his A in Science went to an F because he completed a project wrong) he just looked stunned and confused. He was so happy about his A he didn't understand how it happened. When I explained to him how the project counted toward "more" of his grade he just sat there. So I asked him, what do you think you can do now. He said, i don't know what to do. I told him that he could talk to the teacher to see if he could do the project over. I explained that even if she counted it as late, or gave him half credit, it could\would bring his grade up. Again, if I do not work with him, he doesn't have logic skills or drive like other kids his age. The one thing I do that I probably need to stop is laying out his clothes in the morning. I do it because he is so slow in the morning, and if we are running late, it is easier for me to pull them out while he is in the shower and have them ready for him versus having him do it and 15 minutes later he has on a mismatch outfit:sweating:. My husband says that my doing this is ridiculous for a 12 year old and I need to stop. So, this will be the next thing I have my difficult child start doing for himself. As I mentioned, I have a 17 year old easy child. In sixth grade I had her take on all school as her responsiblity not mine. She knew I was their to help/support in any way. She stumbled, and I had to step back in to guide her. In seventh grade, she had the maturity, connection and drive to do it all herself. She is graduating this year and has been accepted to all the colleges she applied for. She is extremely responsible and mature. I know in grade school teachers gave me the same "this is her responsbility. not yours" speech but my mommy gut told me that she was not capable of doing it. When we tried, she would sink. I just do not want to enable my son. My mommy gut tells me he can't do it all right now..that I need to take small steps and make sure he is ready and he feels sucessful not defeated. Thank you. I read this site at least two times a day. I find some great advice and it is first time I have not felt alone. Feeling alone, while all my friends kids can do it on their own, and wondering my child cannot was heartbreaking. I realize now that my child is not alone, and neither am I. And you know what...unless you walk in our shoes you do not understand. Doctors do not understand, schoold does not understand, daycare does not understand, relatives do not understand...I could go on and on but I know I am preaching to the choir...BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTAND:happy2: [/QUOTE]
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