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Need your honest advice..am I an enabler to my difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 133972" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think you need to be on the same page as the school. Or perhaps more correctly, you need the school on the same page as you.</p><p></p><p>Given all you've said, I do not think you are enabling. I don't think you feel you are, either.</p><p></p><p>But the school thinks you are, and I can see why they think that - because if other parents did what you do, a lot of kids would use this as an excuse to not try, to continue to rely on being pushed and spoonfed.</p><p></p><p>I've been through this with difficult child 1, then difficult child 3. To a lesser extent with easy child 2/difficult child 2. I had easy child as an example of someone who didn't need the same sort of help. The contrast has been amazing. Even difficult child 3 is more independent and capable tan difficult child 1 was. If I were an enabler, you would expect difficult child 3 to be more 'helpless' because I am here for him so much more, I'm at his side most of every day. But he INSISTS a lot of the time on doing things for himself.</p><p></p><p>I do think you need to get your son more carefully evaluated. And not just through the school, either - you need someone who hasn't got a vested interest, to assess him. The school's agenda is to reduce the amount of support he needs. I went through this A LOT with both boys in mainstream - with difficult child 1, his support started very late in his schooling. His deputy principal actually announced in front of me, at a meeting, "Why are we going to so much trouble to do all of this?" [referring to help with organisation, with study skills, with life skills etc] "He is 16 and should have been doing this sort of stuff years ago! If we throw all this support at him, he will never learn to do it for himself and he just won't cope once he finishes school!"</p><p></p><p>We had a psychologist from the Autism Association at that meeting, she said, "That is rather the point - we KNOW he won't cope once he leaves school. Not at first. But at least it will help him to leave school with more success, giving him more chances later on when he CAN do more for himself. WE will worry about him when he leaves school - for now, the school's job is to get him there and support him."</p><p></p><p>With difficult child 3, he had support funding and a lot of strategies in his IEP. However, the officials at the district level were constantly trying to cut his support funding, and to ease back on the efforts we were putting in. They sent a message to the teachers that support should be gradually weaned off (and this included communication with me). The result was catastrophic failure and a great deal of frustration. difficult child 3 also went backwards in a lot of progress.</p><p></p><p>Whenever someone tries to say, "He should be doing X at this age," ALWAYS remember that the age is irrelevant with ADHD and autism. They take a lot longer to get there, in some areas. In others they may be advanced, it depends on the kid. But coping skills, personal organisation, the sense of maturity - it takes a lot longer and in the meantime, they need support.</p><p></p><p>You are doing a lot of things right, as far a I can see. If YOU think he is ready, try to wean him off and see how he goes. Belts and braces - be ready to catch him if he can't do it. For example, tell him that you will continue to try to get copies of homework and assignments, but if he brings it home first, he gets a reward. That way you race each other. When he can do it, he will be so proud of himself for winning the race with you!</p><p></p><p>I do think he needs to be checked out for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form - and do make sure you let them know about his delayed speech. Or was it delayed language? There is a difference.</p><p></p><p>Have a look at the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a>, see if you recognise anything familiar. It's not a diagnostic test, just some ideas, but you can print it out and show an expert for their opinion.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 133972, member: 1991"] I think you need to be on the same page as the school. Or perhaps more correctly, you need the school on the same page as you. Given all you've said, I do not think you are enabling. I don't think you feel you are, either. But the school thinks you are, and I can see why they think that - because if other parents did what you do, a lot of kids would use this as an excuse to not try, to continue to rely on being pushed and spoonfed. I've been through this with difficult child 1, then difficult child 3. To a lesser extent with easy child 2/difficult child 2. I had easy child as an example of someone who didn't need the same sort of help. The contrast has been amazing. Even difficult child 3 is more independent and capable tan difficult child 1 was. If I were an enabler, you would expect difficult child 3 to be more 'helpless' because I am here for him so much more, I'm at his side most of every day. But he INSISTS a lot of the time on doing things for himself. I do think you need to get your son more carefully evaluated. And not just through the school, either - you need someone who hasn't got a vested interest, to assess him. The school's agenda is to reduce the amount of support he needs. I went through this A LOT with both boys in mainstream - with difficult child 1, his support started very late in his schooling. His deputy principal actually announced in front of me, at a meeting, "Why are we going to so much trouble to do all of this?" [referring to help with organisation, with study skills, with life skills etc] "He is 16 and should have been doing this sort of stuff years ago! If we throw all this support at him, he will never learn to do it for himself and he just won't cope once he finishes school!" We had a psychologist from the Autism Association at that meeting, she said, "That is rather the point - we KNOW he won't cope once he leaves school. Not at first. But at least it will help him to leave school with more success, giving him more chances later on when he CAN do more for himself. WE will worry about him when he leaves school - for now, the school's job is to get him there and support him." With difficult child 3, he had support funding and a lot of strategies in his IEP. However, the officials at the district level were constantly trying to cut his support funding, and to ease back on the efforts we were putting in. They sent a message to the teachers that support should be gradually weaned off (and this included communication with me). The result was catastrophic failure and a great deal of frustration. difficult child 3 also went backwards in a lot of progress. Whenever someone tries to say, "He should be doing X at this age," ALWAYS remember that the age is irrelevant with ADHD and autism. They take a lot longer to get there, in some areas. In others they may be advanced, it depends on the kid. But coping skills, personal organisation, the sense of maturity - it takes a lot longer and in the meantime, they need support. You are doing a lot of things right, as far a I can see. If YOU think he is ready, try to wean him off and see how he goes. Belts and braces - be ready to catch him if he can't do it. For example, tell him that you will continue to try to get copies of homework and assignments, but if he brings it home first, he gets a reward. That way you race each other. When he can do it, he will be so proud of himself for winning the race with you! I do think he needs to be checked out for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form - and do make sure you let them know about his delayed speech. Or was it delayed language? There is a difference. Have a look at the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on [url]www.childbrain.com[/url], see if you recognise anything familiar. It's not a diagnostic test, just some ideas, but you can print it out and show an expert for their opinion. Marg [/QUOTE]
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