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Needing a Soft Place to Land-A Return
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<blockquote data-quote="DazedandConfused" data-source="post: 759296" data-attributes="member: 831"><p>Thank you all for your forthright and kind responses. They are comforting, yet at the same time, they are straightforward and laced with the wisdom of having been there.</p><p></p><p>You are all correct, he needs to leave here and be on his own. How that will happen is the question.</p><p></p><p>We have not spoken since that awful day. Just to be clear, he did not threaten me, but he did scream and yell from his bedroom and down the hall. Horrible things that I cannot forgive unless he gets professional help to manage his emotions and interactions with me. The likelihood of that is quite small. He tells me he hated it when I took him to professionals during his childhood and teen years. Especially, the last one, who was a lovely woman. He specifically mentions how much he couldn't stand her. When I have mentioned seeking a professional, he angrily shuts it down.</p><p></p><p>He has quite a fragile ego and is defensive when asked the simplest questions. He also has a lot of anxiety. </p><p></p><p>He did not follow me around the house and does not now. I am here alone with him the majority of the time. Husband is usually out of town working. Son does work, thank goodness. Even when things are relatively good with him, I am much more at peace when he is out of the house. Before the pandemic, I would be out of the house five days a week working. He works weekends, I don't. So, I would not see him that much other than his messes he would leave in the kitchen.</p><p></p><p>I agree that we should not have to plan an escape, but we are anyway. It is a long-range, tentative plan about where we might retire and have peace. Currently, I just do not feel threatened enough to gather the emotional energy to legally evict him or have the police remove him. Something that is made all the more complicated with courts and COVID. With the current health crisis, I'm playing it day by day. Will it be possible in the future? Maybe.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I do hope that one day there will be a semblance of a normal adult child/parent relationship with him. The hope is microscopic, but it is there. I work diligently to remain detached from him and his decisions. He works but doesn't make enough money to rent an apartment, even a studio. Rent is expensive here. It is his high school's fault because it was "crappy" and the counseling office was terrible that he didn't go to college. Uh-huh, right. He began community college, but wouldn't take any academic classes. Then, he stopped. He got suckered into a trade school that made all kinds of promises about how he was going to make big money fixing digital devices. All against my concerns and gentle protestations. He struggles greatly with fine motor skills. You have to have good ones to fix devices. He flat-out refused to practice the exercises to develop them as a child and teenager. He graduated and then could not find a job. Add student loans on top of that.</p><p></p><p>Sigh</p><p></p><p>Right now, his car sits in the driveway and hasn't moved in three days. That means there is a mechanical issue. Not my concern other than his car is blocking Husband's car from getting out of the driveway, which is on a small incline. Husband is out of town, so it is not an issue, but it will be in a few days when he comes home. He likely does not have the money to get it fixed, so it sits.</p><p></p><p>Good grief! Why? Just why? Be nice! Be decent! If I make you angry, let us talk about it. I will hear you out! You just can't insult, curse, or be a jerk. I will apologize if warranted.</p><p></p><p>Nope. He tells me that he refuses to "kiss your a__!"</p><p></p><p>Copa,</p><p></p><p>You are correct. I am not looking for advice. I seek understanding and a virtual "ear". I would not wish what we have gone through and continue to go through, on anyone. I come here as a way to keep the sorrow and the abyss of depression at bay. To keep my wits about me and find joy whenever I can. Right now, it's just really hard to find it. I count my blessings as best I can and press on.</p><p></p><p>Again, thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DazedandConfused, post: 759296, member: 831"] Thank you all for your forthright and kind responses. They are comforting, yet at the same time, they are straightforward and laced with the wisdom of having been there. You are all correct, he needs to leave here and be on his own. How that will happen is the question. We have not spoken since that awful day. Just to be clear, he did not threaten me, but he did scream and yell from his bedroom and down the hall. Horrible things that I cannot forgive unless he gets professional help to manage his emotions and interactions with me. The likelihood of that is quite small. He tells me he hated it when I took him to professionals during his childhood and teen years. Especially, the last one, who was a lovely woman. He specifically mentions how much he couldn't stand her. When I have mentioned seeking a professional, he angrily shuts it down. He has quite a fragile ego and is defensive when asked the simplest questions. He also has a lot of anxiety. He did not follow me around the house and does not now. I am here alone with him the majority of the time. Husband is usually out of town working. Son does work, thank goodness. Even when things are relatively good with him, I am much more at peace when he is out of the house. Before the pandemic, I would be out of the house five days a week working. He works weekends, I don't. So, I would not see him that much other than his messes he would leave in the kitchen. I agree that we should not have to plan an escape, but we are anyway. It is a long-range, tentative plan about where we might retire and have peace. Currently, I just do not feel threatened enough to gather the emotional energy to legally evict him or have the police remove him. Something that is made all the more complicated with courts and COVID. With the current health crisis, I'm playing it day by day. Will it be possible in the future? Maybe. Yes, I do hope that one day there will be a semblance of a normal adult child/parent relationship with him. The hope is microscopic, but it is there. I work diligently to remain detached from him and his decisions. He works but doesn't make enough money to rent an apartment, even a studio. Rent is expensive here. It is his high school's fault because it was "crappy" and the counseling office was terrible that he didn't go to college. Uh-huh, right. He began community college, but wouldn't take any academic classes. Then, he stopped. He got suckered into a trade school that made all kinds of promises about how he was going to make big money fixing digital devices. All against my concerns and gentle protestations. He struggles greatly with fine motor skills. You have to have good ones to fix devices. He flat-out refused to practice the exercises to develop them as a child and teenager. He graduated and then could not find a job. Add student loans on top of that. Sigh Right now, his car sits in the driveway and hasn't moved in three days. That means there is a mechanical issue. Not my concern other than his car is blocking Husband's car from getting out of the driveway, which is on a small incline. Husband is out of town, so it is not an issue, but it will be in a few days when he comes home. He likely does not have the money to get it fixed, so it sits. Good grief! Why? Just why? Be nice! Be decent! If I make you angry, let us talk about it. I will hear you out! You just can't insult, curse, or be a jerk. I will apologize if warranted. Nope. He tells me that he refuses to "kiss your a__!" Copa, You are correct. I am not looking for advice. I seek understanding and a virtual "ear". I would not wish what we have gone through and continue to go through, on anyone. I come here as a way to keep the sorrow and the abyss of depression at bay. To keep my wits about me and find joy whenever I can. Right now, it's just really hard to find it. I count my blessings as best I can and press on. Again, thank you. [/QUOTE]
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