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Needing to stay strong, feeling like a horrible person. :(
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 749496" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome WLS. I'm sorry for the struggles with your daughter. My first response is to NOT allow her to live in your home when you are gone. Once she is in your home, removing her legally can be problematic, but more to the point, you've made your case, which is a good one, stick to it. </p><p></p><p>Most often around here it is NOT our adult kids who change, it is US. We get to a point where spinning around in someone else's hamster wheel is unhealthy and toxic to our well being. Your daughter is completely capable of handling her own life, however, she <em><strong><u>chooses </u></strong></em>to be taken care of by you because that's the patterning you and she have developed over a long period of time. Breaking those patterns is extremely challenging and our kids usually bring in major manipulation & guilt to have things remain the way they were. It's very difficult for us parents to see thru the FOG ( FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT) long enough to make a significant shift in these antiquated family strategies that no longer work. You've taken a positive step for YOUR well being and in my way of thinking, it's important to stick to your plan in these beginning stages. </p><p></p><p>My daughter is 46 years old and I've been in your shoes......at one point a number of years ago, we left for Hawaii when my daughter was in one of her homeless phases. It was not easy to do that considering the GUILT. How can I go on vacation when my daughter is homeless, what kind of a person does that? Those thoughts rolled around my head constantly. Like you I was in a fairly new relationship and I did not want to continue my enabling and codependent ways with my daughter. I left some cash on my back patio with the thought that if she called while I was gone, I would tell her to pick up the money which is exactly what happened. But that money allowed me to leave with the thought that I didn't leave her high and dry. I stepped out of my daughter's orbit after many years of enabling her and we are BOTH in much better shape today as a result. She learned not to see me as the default position to help her and I learned to say NO and stick to my commitment to my own well being.</p><p></p><p>This is not an easy path, <em>but it is absolutely doable.</em> My life is 1000 times better since I made the choice to step out of my daughter's dramatic and unpredictable life and focus on my own life. And my daughter slowly changed and began being responsible for herself. </p><p></p><p>17 years is a very long time to put your own life on hold while you care for a woman who is capable of taking care of herself yet CHOOSES not to. Her choice is not your responsibility. It is hers. You matter too. Your needs and desires and wishes and thoughts and feelings matter. Remember that your daughter is now going to do whatever she believes its going to take to get you back in the place she wants you to be.......it will require that you stay strong and keep your resolve. I would encourage you to seek out support in whatever fashion works for you. NAMI (The National Alliance on mental illness)has excellent courses for parents and may be able to offer you resources, information, guidance and support. You can access them online, they have chapters in most cities. Many of us seek out professional help in therapy which I found extremely helpful to learn how to let go and accept what I can't change. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here and read a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Develop a "tool box" of things you can do when your daughter brings her issues to your front door......step back from your initial 'reaction' which is patterned behavior and wait it out while new thoughts emerge in the wait time. Write here while you wait and be open to a new way of responding. Learn how to say NO and stick to it no matter what your daughter says or does. </p><p></p><p>You're in the middle of a huge shift.....it's going to take resolve on your part and for you to face the uncomfortable and fearful belief that you are responsible for your daughters life and without you something dreadful will happen. It takes time to move out of that belief and understand that not only are you NOT responsible for your daughters life, but that in taking that responsibility, neither of you will thrive. </p><p></p><p>Go on your vacation, it's time to let go and have a life of your own. Your home is your sanctuary, protect that. You deserve to have a life of your own now. Go take it. And keep posting here, it helps. Sending you big hugs......I know how hard this is....but you can do it. It's time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 749496, member: 13542"] Welcome WLS. I'm sorry for the struggles with your daughter. My first response is to NOT allow her to live in your home when you are gone. Once she is in your home, removing her legally can be problematic, but more to the point, you've made your case, which is a good one, stick to it. Most often around here it is NOT our adult kids who change, it is US. We get to a point where spinning around in someone else's hamster wheel is unhealthy and toxic to our well being. Your daughter is completely capable of handling her own life, however, she [I][B][U]chooses [/U][/B][/I]to be taken care of by you because that's the patterning you and she have developed over a long period of time. Breaking those patterns is extremely challenging and our kids usually bring in major manipulation & guilt to have things remain the way they were. It's very difficult for us parents to see thru the FOG ( FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT) long enough to make a significant shift in these antiquated family strategies that no longer work. You've taken a positive step for YOUR well being and in my way of thinking, it's important to stick to your plan in these beginning stages. My daughter is 46 years old and I've been in your shoes......at one point a number of years ago, we left for Hawaii when my daughter was in one of her homeless phases. It was not easy to do that considering the GUILT. How can I go on vacation when my daughter is homeless, what kind of a person does that? Those thoughts rolled around my head constantly. Like you I was in a fairly new relationship and I did not want to continue my enabling and codependent ways with my daughter. I left some cash on my back patio with the thought that if she called while I was gone, I would tell her to pick up the money which is exactly what happened. But that money allowed me to leave with the thought that I didn't leave her high and dry. I stepped out of my daughter's orbit after many years of enabling her and we are BOTH in much better shape today as a result. She learned not to see me as the default position to help her and I learned to say NO and stick to my commitment to my own well being. This is not an easy path, [I]but it is absolutely doable.[/I] My life is 1000 times better since I made the choice to step out of my daughter's dramatic and unpredictable life and focus on my own life. And my daughter slowly changed and began being responsible for herself. 17 years is a very long time to put your own life on hold while you care for a woman who is capable of taking care of herself yet CHOOSES not to. Her choice is not your responsibility. It is hers. You matter too. Your needs and desires and wishes and thoughts and feelings matter. Remember that your daughter is now going to do whatever she believes its going to take to get you back in the place she wants you to be.......it will require that you stay strong and keep your resolve. I would encourage you to seek out support in whatever fashion works for you. NAMI (The National Alliance on mental illness)has excellent courses for parents and may be able to offer you resources, information, guidance and support. You can access them online, they have chapters in most cities. Many of us seek out professional help in therapy which I found extremely helpful to learn how to let go and accept what I can't change. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here and read a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Develop a "tool box" of things you can do when your daughter brings her issues to your front door......step back from your initial 'reaction' which is patterned behavior and wait it out while new thoughts emerge in the wait time. Write here while you wait and be open to a new way of responding. Learn how to say NO and stick to it no matter what your daughter says or does. You're in the middle of a huge shift.....it's going to take resolve on your part and for you to face the uncomfortable and fearful belief that you are responsible for your daughters life and without you something dreadful will happen. It takes time to move out of that belief and understand that not only are you NOT responsible for your daughters life, but that in taking that responsibility, neither of you will thrive. Go on your vacation, it's time to let go and have a life of your own. Your home is your sanctuary, protect that. You deserve to have a life of your own now. Go take it. And keep posting here, it helps. Sending you big hugs......I know how hard this is....but you can do it. It's time. [/QUOTE]
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