Neighbors called police on my difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by OpenWindow, May 31, 2007.

  1. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    difficult child hasn't been getting along in the neighborhood lately. We had one neighbor talk to us about him last weekend. Another neighbor has banned him from her house and yard because he walked in last week, making himself at home, opened her cabinet and got himself a snack. Yesterday I get home and husband tells me he just got done talking with the police after the neighbors called them.

    The trouble is, there are a lot of kids on our street and they all wander from house to house every evening and weekend. When difficult child is getting along, and someone asks him to go play at their house, I said yes. I didn't hear anything, so I thought everything was fine. Well, this weekend he was the talk of the street.

    As of Saturday, he's been grounded to the inside of the house. He can go out in our yard if he gets permission from one of us.

    Yesterday, when husband was home, he snuck out and went to the neighbors. He got into an argument with the neighbors daughter - same age as him. She told her mom difficult child was being mean again. Her parents came out and told difficult child to go home. difficult child tried to tell his side of the story but they had enough and told him to just go home. He started cussing them out and told them they couldn't make him. The father pushed the handlebars on difficult children bike (he was sitting on it), telling difficult child to go home. difficult child told him he was going to call the cops and tell them that he hit him.

    The father went inside to call the police, difficult child headed home, and the police soon arrived. They talked to difficult child, threatened him that the next time they were called, they'd be taking him away to jail. They talked to husband who tried to explain our situation - told them difficult child was diagnosed with ADHD and Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (explained it was a form of autism) and said he was being re-evaluated right now by psychologist. Told them difficult child was on medications and all his issues at school and that he receives Special Education services there. The two seemed sympathetic but then one said he didn't believe in ADHD and all that crap. I'm not sure how hard husband pushed, because although he says he believes in it, he thinks difficult child chooses to act the way he does most of the time.

    And difficult child stood still and paid attention to the policeman the entire time and was respectful, which the policeman says proves that ADHD is crap and the difficult child can control himself. (I could get into an argument of semantics - yes difficult child can control himself and makes his own choices, but it is much harder for him than typical kids.)

    It's a small town and I'm wondering what this means for the future. Will difficult child have to stay at the house when all the other kids get to go out and play? Will the neighbors now call the police for every incident instead of coming to talk to us?

    I doubt he'll learn from this long term - he never seems to but I keep hoping. I want him to have friends and now that he really has the chance to, he's blowing it and I can't do anything about it.

  2. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Oh boy.... not sure what to suggest.
    Has he taken any social skills classes? I really think it could help. It helped my difficult child be able to socialize better with her peers. He is going to have to learn you can't roam into others homes and make yourself at home without permission.

    Have you tried roll playing with him on appropriate behaviors?

    Hopefully the police put some kind of scare into him. Not sure if it will be a long term solution though.

    I think I would definitely make difficult child apologize to the neighbors.

  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs your way. I totally hate it when someone in a role
    of authority says "I don't believe in that ADHD crap". It really
    brings out my latent aggressive tendencies and I have to stifle
    myself. I have heard it from teachers for thirty years. I have
    heard it from policemen. The local juvie Judge not only doesn't believe in ADHD but when he is in adult court he also "doesn't believe that brain surgery effects behavior". Yikes!!

    There is no fighting that mindset. It does no good. I wish I
    could give you an answer but I haven't found one. Hugs. DDD
  4. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    I may be silly here, but can you call a neighborhood meeting and straighten things out with everyone? There has to be a better solution than neighbor calling Police for a less than emergent situation. Maybe offering info to the other parents, ex: websites or printed articles explaining difficult children issues?

    I dunno, I probably am looking at it with rose colored glasses here, but info goes a long ways alot of the time.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh...well that was helpful...NOT!

    I just dont get people who decide to spout about how they dont believe in something they dont have any knowledge about. Karma suggests that they will be blessed with a lil difficult child of their own.

    I dont know what to suggest about difficult child and neighbors...we never solved that problem.
  6. mtnmom62

    mtnmom62 New Member

    My heart really goes out to you. I also live in a small town And I hvae had the neighbors complain about my son too. It is so hard. My son just committed a major crime at the nearby little store and for weeks I didn't want to even come out of my house. I don't have any real suggestions for you except just get through one day at a time. I agree with the post above that perhaps working on social skills would help. Also you may have to spend some time outside with him when he is hanging out in the neighborhood. These kids are very high mainenance and caring for them can be very time intensive. I have often had to just sit outside and keep an eye out when my son has been out playing with the other kids. It is a difficult situation. You also may have to find alternatives to him hanging out in the neighborhood when you can't be out with him. Just a few thoughts.

    I do believe that your neighbor probably overreacted to the situation. Did he actually feel threatened by your son? It didn't sound like it.

  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I have another take on it. A grown man pushed your son's bike while he was on it. I'm sure to difficult child that was very intimidating and seemed threatening and difficult child spouted off. OK - he shouldn't have talked to the neighbor that way, but your neighbor was out of line, in my opinion. Calling the police was over the top. What does that teach the kids? That if your big and strong you can bully your way through?

    As for the cop not believing in ADHD - I would have told him that unless he was trained in the mental health or medical field, that his opinion was irrelevant. Honestly.

    I understand your concern about your neighbors. Is there one child in the neighborhood that difficult child is closer to than others? One good friend is better than many not so good friends. If there is a family that is understanding and that has a child that gets along well with difficult child, that is what I would focus on.
  8. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Thank you all for your responses!

    He attends social skills classes at school and has been in some type of social skills therapy for the last 3 or 4 years. He knows what he's supposed to do he just can't do it in real life.

    I've tried role playing with him but he always refuses to do it. He can tell you the correct reaction to every possible situation but getting him to do it is another story.

    difficult child has a friend across the street and his mom and I talk a lot. She has welcomed him into her home and told him to make himself at home. He can go to the cabinets when he wants and grab a snack. I guess he thought this was appropriate at his other friend's house as well. You can't tell him these things, he won't listen or learn.

    Yes - difficult child is going to apologize to the neighbors. It seems to be a regular routine with him lately. He is very apologetic after the fact, but doesn't seem to change his future behavior.

    I've individually talked to all the neighbors with kids to explain the situation. Our neighbor right next door seems to understand difficult child completely and he's still welcome there. Same with across the street. After my talks with the others, they seem understanding but you never know. One is a high school teacher and he is willing to give difficult child more of a chance. He thanked me for coming to talk with him. The mother who's house he barged in on listened but she still doesn't want to deal with him. The neighbor's who called the police say he can come over again but he's not going for awhile. I'm not sure they're completely on board although they say they will let us know if any problems arise again before calling the police. They don't think they overreacted by calling the police, so they may be inclined to do it again if difficult child acts up and we're not around.

    I am usually outside when difficult child is so I can keep an eye on him and I often follow him to the neighbors. Before this weekend I have tried to let him make his friends and go off on his own but I see I have to pull back. People wonder why my house is such a mess but I can't do anything when I have to monitor him whenever we're at home.

    It's hard because I'd love to let him go to the neighbors who do understand him and want to give him a chance because he'll go to the other neighbors and trouble will start. Or he'll be riding his bike in front of their house on the way home and trouble will start.

    I do think the neighbor overreacted as well. difficult child was only there for maybe 10 minutes. husband was at home just 2 houses away. difficult child didn't get physical in anyway and didn't threaten any physical harm.

    I knew when the father told me he pushed difficult child's bike that that was the big trigger. difficult child said he didn't push hard and he wasn't scared (he sort of nudged the bike to get difficult child to start leaving), but to difficult child I'm sure it put him in defensive mode. I tried to explain to the father (and mother) that getting angry with difficult child and confronting him like that often makes things worse. I told them I didn't blame them at all and most any other kid would have reacted better, but difficult child doesn't react like most kids.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Ohhhh.........I have been through this over and over and over again!!!!! :cry:
    It is one of the most horrible, neverending, experiences I have had to endure with my difficult child, and there have been a lot. In fact, to this day, when I see a cop car, I get a panicked feeling in my stomach. I could probably write a 20 page novelette about our experiences in the neighborhood - but suffice to say my difficult child is no longer allowed to leave this house, and we are considering moving to a new neighborhood to simply try and get a fresh start.

    My only words of advice would be to nip it in the bud sooner than I did, and not let your son play with the neighbor kids - period. I kept trying to iron things out with various neighbors, explaining his diagnosis, blah blah blah.......but in the long run, it did not matter what I said and did because rumors and gossip are bigger than empathy and truth. Eventually, not only did my difficult child build himself a horrible reputation - but the gossip built him an even bigger one - and he could not even set foot outside of our yard without the cops being called. I am NOT kidding!!!!!! We have had the cops at our house probably a dozen times - always with difficult child in tow - and yet he has not ever committed an actual crime.

    Finally after two years of this off and on - his reputation and the rumors escalated to a point where neither of us would go out of the house. He is still suffering from agorophobia, and will not walk in the neighrborhood, or ride his bike. And although I have managed to reclaim my neighborhood as my own, I still want to move because the judgement hangs so heavily in the air.

    I don't know - I just think that most parents would rather judge, criticize, and condemn rather than help a difficult child - at least that has been my experience. easy child parents can't see past the difficult children outrageous antics, to the sweet, scared little bo or girl. Instead they assume that these kids are going to be the next columbine killer - and treat them as such.

    So - I guess, to answer your question - yes. It is possible he will not be able to play with the neighborhood kids. If I were you, I would start setting up play dates for you difficult child with specific friends, always at your house, so that you can try and get him as many individual friends as possible and the "neighborhood crowd" will not be as important. This way the interactions are always at your house, under your watch, and you also have the ability to build a personal rapport with the parents of these individual friends. And, if I were you, I would veto your difficult child running with the neighborhood crowd for a good 6 months until things settle down. Because, unfortunately, your son getting taken home by the cops was probably the dinner topic of every house on your block - and from this point forward, parents will be "on the lookout" for even one false move from your difficult child.

    Good luck - and I am so sorry you are going through this.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I live in a very small town and we have 2-4 cops :smile: This is what we did. Our son is on the autism spectrum, like yours. We went to the police when we moved in and asked for their help with our son--watching him--explained how he was different, and they interacted with him and came to like him. Now it's a bit different as Lucas is "quirky" but not a behavior normally. However, he did shoplift once and, when the owners of the gas station (who also know he is on the spectrum) called the police, they all handled it very well. Neighbors have been more than kind to Lucas. I find that enlisting the help of others has worked so well for us. Acknowledging that our son is different and asking others to please come to us with problems, if any, has made everyone protective of our son. I don't know how small your town is, but, if it's very small, like ours, I'd go to the police station with my son and talk to them privately, but have them get to know him. Now if all the cops have the idea that ADHD isn't valid, then you're sunk, but your son also has other, more serious diagnosis. You may be able to educate them. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified needs special consideration and help, both in school and in the community. My son has learned to "understand" what he can and cannot do, but it took lots of interventions and help to get him there. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids have poor exeuctive functions and usually need help with life skills. If you know your son has trouble with others, I'd only let him go to places where the family is understanding or when I could be there with him. That man was WAY out of line pushing your son's bike. I would have had a fit.
    If the neighbors truly won't understand or don't want to help, I agree with keeping him home unless you can be there with him. Either that or you'll have the police there all the time as parents who don't want to learn tend to blame us, even when our kids are on the autism spectrum :smirk:
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Short-sighted. And hitting the bicycle?

    Sounds like several of the adults involved have their own issues -- including one of the officers.

    I'd keep difficult child away from this particular neighbor..... I'd be leary of the family's problem solving capabilities. How about, "I'm calling your parents?"

    Not that difficult child walking into someone's house and helping himself is ok. (There was a time I could see difficult child do the same thing, e.g., if it's okay at this house, it's okay everyone's house.)

    What an unsettling incident.
  12. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    I think it's a matter of perspective, considered from the point of view of leverage and power. My own son, who is older, has always had the same problem: He will respect and listen to someone he recognizes as an authority figure or is superior to him. But, once he loses respect for that authority, you are now beneath him.

    When that happens, he doesn't just lose respect, he acts in completely inappropriate ways. For him, it's a power play - either he has the power, and you listen to him, or vice versa. For my son, there is no middle ground where he can interact with adults in a positive way without playing "who's the boss" and starting typical, alpha-male fights for dominance.

    It's easy to see how a policeman might conjure enough authority to sufficiently impress your son to stand still and listen. Yet, the parent next door holds no such position of authority (in his mind), so he acts inappropriately to an adult.

    With my son, the pool of people that he respected and would "stand still and listen to" gradually shrank as he got older. The final blow began when he completely lost respect for his teachers, was disrespectful, and dared them to do anything (what could they do, kick him out? That's what he wanted!). It ended when he relegated us, his parents, to that pool of insignificants who can be ignored, disobeyed, or otherwise manipulated as he saw fit.

    Now, there are very few people who command that level of respect from him. My fear - and maybe hope? - is that he will run into someone (or something) that can reset his perspective on where he sits on the totem pole of authority. Because right now, he sits at the top.

    Sorry I can't do anything but sympathize with you, but I think this is a fairly common issue for most difficult child's with ODD, and ADD only makes it worse because even when they try, they often miss the non-verbal cues needed to "read" people. That's why I think that only overt, overwhelming superiority or authority gets their attention, and nothing else.

    And for my son, until he finally learns that there will always be people above and below him, that he doesn't always have to fight for dominance (or fight to keep from being dominated), and that it's <u>possible to have comfortable, productive, and non-confrontational relationships with people above and below you</u>, then he will always be a rebel without a cause, tilting at windmills.

    So far, he hasn't learned that yet. He's still a testosterone poisoned, substance abusing, disrepectful and inconsiderate lout. But he's also our son, and we love him very much. So we keep trying, hoping, and praying.....

  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    this was hard to read as it brought back ant memories. the neighbors all hated him eventually and he was not welcome anywhere, any house even my aunt across the street banned him for stealing.


    I wish the neighbor had called YOU instead of the cops. it was not a police matter. ugh
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The thing with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - these kids are generally very law-abiding, but it's the laws they have worked out for themselves, based on their observation of others. So when in one house he's permitted to go help himself, it's hard for him to understand that this is not the rule for ALL friends' houses. Rules that change from house to house, or even from day to day, are simply too hard to follow.

    The father who pushed his bike - I understand what you mean, it was more of a "get going in that direction" but it was still an aggressive act. Some men are like this - they use their bodies, their strength, to communicate. And then wonder why people at times feel intimidated. It's how that stand, often invading personal space - and if he was close enough to nudge difficult child's bike, I'd say he was probably in his personal space - a bad thing, for someone with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).

    We also live in a very small town. We have no cops. The nearest are half an hour away, minimum. We had a murder here some years ago - some cops came to the village, but others waited on the opposite shore "on the mainland" and caught the guy as he swam ashore. There is only one small elementary school in our town, where bullying is NOT dealt with properly to the extent that these kids learn that they can bully and get away with it, especially with kids like difficult child 3 who are never believed because they're already weird. difficult child 3 would report being bullied, and of course the gang of bullies would deny it and back each other up, so difficult child 3 would be told he was mistaken, or lying. Then difficult child 3 would get into trouble for getting angry at not being believed. Or difficult child 3, learning the rules by observing how things work for others, would hit back when being hassled (as he observes other kids doing) and get into trouble because he would either be caught, or the other kids would dob.

    The cop who "doesn't believe in that ADHD crap" - yes, sir, if it IS crap I wouldn't believe in it either. To express it in his way is to deny the rights of the person you're talking to, to disagree in any way. You have just announced, sir, that it is crap and therefore any other view is untenable; to claim any other view in the face of such biased opinion is confronting - and who wants to confront a cop? A cop, expressing himself that way - it IS bullying. He's using his position to get away with such a loaded statement.

    Because of these misunderstandings and past problems of a similar nature, I tend to shadow difficult child 3 when he's out and about locally. He visits our nearest neighbours and they have no problem with him. His best friend - the dad sometimes is a problem (macho, over the top with it) and a lot of neighbourhood kids gather there, including some undesirables, who often target difficult child 3. However, difficult child 3's best friend will not tolerate any of HIS friends bullying difficult child 3 or himself, and sends them packing. Because friend's dad IS a big, macho bloke, the kids will go. But going there and back, difficult child 3 is vulnerable. As a result, if difficult child 3 is going to visit this friend, I often tag along too and have coffee with the mother while the boys play together. As this friend is getting older, his over-protective mother is increasingly allowing her son to come visit us, which is great. Nobody hassles her son, because he has a dad built like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    In your case - I would shadow your son. I would also role-play with him, what is acceptable behaviour. Maybe write a social story for him? I know he probably thinks he's too old for social stories, but since the police were involved you can point out that this shows he does need it. The social story is merely revision for him, to help him get his personal rules in line with acceptable practice.

    The family friend who lets him help himself to snacks - explain to her the problems this causes, in confusing him about what is acceptable. What we do with our boys - we explain, "It's OK for you to talk to me like that here at home, because I understand. But a lot of people would not, so please be careful and practice the right way to interact, even here at home." If you can get your friendly neighbours on side with this, to help reinforce more socially acceptable behaviour, it will help.

    Our kids need to learn these social rules in a different way. They will not learn by osmosis. Even a formal course in social skills is not enough - we have to help them practice, day after day. And without nagging, we remind and rehearse. And congratulate, when they do a good job.

    Some things you won't be able to change or modify - you will soon see the difference. Don't even try to go there, just work on what he CAN change.

    difficult child 3 reads mostly comic books. It's not that he's a poor reader - far from it. It's because comic books have everything - they have the dialogue, the social context, the facial expressions - the lot. He often asks me to explain (especially humour) and he seems to be actively studying, working ferociously to learn as much as he can about human behaviour. His favourite comics are the educational ones. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has recently introduced him to animé, which is merely animated comic books (Japanese style). Fruits Basket is the current one he's watching. Some of the storylines are a bit bizarre - an odd mix of modern life with old culture and Asian mythology - but the social story component has been really helpful.

    Your difficult child is 10. He's still got a way to go, to learn how to connect. other kids his age are still a puzzle to him and a lot are still quite nasty at times. That is going to get worse with high school - sorry. But at some stage, it improves. What he needs to learn for now, is how to walk away when things aren't working out. Being right on the outside is far less important than remembering to walk away from confrontation. He needs to feel right, though, because it's an important part of his understanding. What he should do, is walk away, go home, sit down at the computer and write out his defensive argument. Then talk it over with you. For some time yet, you need to referee his confrontations, so he can learn how to resolve disputes constructively.

    It's involved, it's sometimes hard work, it's very hands on, but it does resolve a lot of problems. Some neighbours are always going to be a thorn in your sides over this, but if you can bend over backwards (you and difficult child) to never be seen to be anywhere in the wrong, they can't touch you legally.
    It's like I told my boys - other kids can hit back, fight, bully. But our boys can't, because as soon as they do, even if it's normal for others, the bad behaviour is immediately put down to "oh, he's a weird kid, he's dangerous, keep away from him or he will hurt you." Or they panic and react violently, supposedly in self defence. The news is always happy to spread stories about the Aspie kid who went on a murdering rampage, or the autistic kid without a conscience who tortured other kids purely to watch them suffer. It's all crap, as your cop would like to describe it. But the media loves it and the news builds on people's fears. As a result, we have to really go out of our way to avoid OUR kids being labelled in this way, even when 'normal' kids behave this way all the time with no repercussions.

    There is a book that came out in Australia about 15 years ago, called "Annie's Coming Out" by Ann McDonald and Rosemary Crossley. Annie was born with athetoid cerebral palsy and was placed in an institution for the severely handicapped. She was raised as a mindless lump of tissue, treated worse than an animal. Rosemary was an aide who was working where Annie lived and discovered that this supposedly mindless idiot had taught herself to read and to communicate. Eventually she managed to get Annie released to her care. But my example is from an outing they went on - to an art gallery. Annie, being tiny, was in a baby stroller (aged about 16). They paused in front of one painting which was subtly satirical. Annie burst out laughing - the response of an intelligent human being. Despite the fact that others nearby also found this painting amusing, people were embarrassed by Annie's reaction.

    Another time they went to see a movie. Kids were laughing, making noise and Annie was also making her small, quiet squeal - her only other vocalisation. The manager asked them to leave "because the child was being disruptive." In vain they protested that the laughter of the other kids was far louder than Annie's tiny noises. What was confronting to the cinema manager was the unknown - normal children laughing was somehow appropriate - a profoundly disabled person was likely to react in previously unknown ways, because he had never experienced it before.

    A lot of people fond disability confronting. They don't like to look at it, they don't like to think about it. A disability that they can't see is sometimes even more scary - it's like communism in the McCarthy era, it's the hidden menace, likely to insidiously damage your society irreparably.

    We have seen and experienced this attitude - both myself, with my physical disability, and the kids. It's been a hard lesson for them to learn, but a valuable one. They now know to not take people's good will at face value. Some people, especially the fit, healthy, active ones (often the ones organising various events) are the worst culprits - they can't stand to be exposed to disability because it's the very thing they fear the most. Everything in their way of life is geared to preventing disability in their family. Just a hunch, but put the neighbour who pushed difficult child's bike to this test - is he a health nut? A fitness freak? A perfectionist in any way? Chances are, difficult child is the personification of his own fears of imperfection, and he is scared of the unpredictable.
    I hope I'm wrong, but if I'm not then difficult child needs to keep his distance from this family, long-term.

    There are a lot of benefits to having a kid with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Especially as he gets older, you will find them and value them.

    by the way, Annie eventually got to uni and got an Arts degree.

  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nothing new to add but want to send some sympathetic hugs your way.
  16. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Thanks again for your thoughts and advice.

    difficult child had a great day yesterday. He wanted to go outside so we went for a walk. None of his friends were out so it worked out well. He was well-behaved for the most part until late in the evening.

    difficult child is now saying that the neighbor hit his arm. I always have to be careful because difficult child's interpretation isn't always on target, so I asked him to demonstrate the hit. Well, difficult child hit my arm hard and grabbed it. I'm sure it wasn't as hard as difficult child says, but I'm sure the man grabbed him by the arm. difficult child hates when anyone touches him - even a friendly pat on the back, so this makes the whole incident more clear to me.

    difficult child is having major problems connecting with other kids his age. It's really gotten bad this year. When he was younger the other kids were more accepting and would put up with him, or forget more easily. I can see this is just the beginning and I'm not looking forward to it.

    We talk all the time and sort of do the social stories out loud. But he will not role play - never would. It makes him mad if I try to make him so I just don't. He's very good at verbalizing what he should say or do, so there's hope that someday it may click and he will learn to actually do it.

    Walking away - it's a daily conversation for us. When I do shadow him I see all the time that he just needs to walk away. The smallest thing a kids says or does he misinterprets and takes the wrong way.

    The neighbor is not a health nut but may be classified as extremely religious and very overprotective of his kids. The kids are not allowed to go in anyone else's house for any reason (my 7 year old had a birthday part and invited his 7 year old. He couldn't come because it was inside our house.) The 7 year old can't come 2 houses down to our house to play with easy child, even if I'm out, unless his 11 year old sister is with him. They have been living there a long time and the other neighbors don't really know them - they don't interact much although they were friendly the other day when I went to talk to them. Extremely religious - not necessarily a bad thing but it explains how offended he was by difficult child's language and overall attitude.

    difficult child has been told by me to stay away from their house even if he is invited by the kids, even if I allow him to leave our yard without a parent, etc.

    Janet - yes I really really wish they had called us instead of the police. difficult child is still "scared straight" but it's only been 2 days and he still thinks his actions were justified.

    Mikey - I see exactly what you describe in my difficult child. Everything is black and white and everything is extreme - in how he sees people and how he behaves. He makes up his own rules and gets mad when others break them.

    I'm still not sure what to do about the policeman. The neighbor across the street is also a policewoman, in a nearby town. She does have police-friends in this town though. I'm going to talk to her and see what she recommends. We just moved from St. Louis last year to this small town so I'm not sure I have the small town skills to deal with this the right way!

    Thanks again everyone - whenever I start to doubt myself or my interpretations of things I come here and see that I'm not off-base at all.

  17. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    difficult child needs social skills. It is not ok to go in someones house etc...It doesn't really matter if the neighbors are not understanding. difficult child needs to learn appropriate behavior. Even though he has adhd(does it really matter if the cop "believes" in adhd?), he can't stay at someones house when he is told to leave. You should stop making excuses for the behavior, and have him make ammends and face the consequences. Do not keep him in the house, let him try it again. Give him lots of praise when he does things the right way! Start with a social story. Then try it in the real world. Forget the role model thing, let him practice for real. If this behavior doesn't stop, it will get worse for him. I know he can behave the right way. You have to be strict. Stricter than the average parent, it's the only way. -Alyssa
  18. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Yes, he does need social skills. He does need to learn appropriate behavior. I've known this since he was 3.

    I don't believe I'm making excuses. Trying to understand his triggers is a bit different than making excuses.

    Being grounded to the house, and not being able to go over to his friends' until he shows me he's respectful enough and responsible enough - he is facing the consequences. Enduring a lecture from a policeman and being scared that he will go to jail next time - he is facing very natural consequences.
  19. RobinLaurain

    RobinLaurain New Member

    in my humble opinion-I think we are all experts on our "own" children. What works for one child--doesn't work for another. All we can do is try different things. I have found that things will work for awhile and then I have to try other things. My latest effort is not bailing my difficult child out of jail and letting her sit her 23 days out. In the past, I would have done just about anything to keep her out of there. Since she proceeds to keep drinking under age, she needs to
    do the time. I think you need to do what you feel is best--follow your gut. I actually am having more peace with her gone even though I miss her.
  20. RobinLaurain

    RobinLaurain New Member

    Hello, down under.
    People shouldn't touch other people's children no matter how good their intentions are. I feel the man had boundary issues. Maybe, you need to ask him not to do this in the future? Just an idea.