NEVER ENDING DRAMA...

[okie girl]

You've gotten some good advice. I guess this is a cautionary tale for those of us with younger Difficult Child's - if we don't stop it, it won't stop.

I'm just curious - did you report the missing handgun to the police?

No. I haven't yet.

 

[okie girl]

You've gotten some good advice. I guess this is a cautionary tale for those of us with younger Difficult Child's - if we don't stop it, it won't stop.

I'm just curious - did you report the missing handgun to the police?

Learn from us with older Difficult Child's and work on stopping the insanity. I think a lot of the time, I would just give into his demands to keep from feeling guilty. It was just easier. Please don't make the mistake I did. I have got an appointment next Tuesday with my therapist. I haven't seen him since November. I am counting on him to get me through this. Maybe he can help me understand why I feel so guilty when I say no to Difficult Child.

 

[DoneDad]

+1 on seeing the therapist.

 

[Lil]

Learn from us with older Difficult Child's and work on stopping the insanity. I think a lot of the time, I would just give into his demands to keep from feeling guilty.

I have done that. Not to not feel "guilty" necessarily, but just because I was so worn down from the constant stress...it was easier than listening to my son gripe and shout or beg or slam things or whatever. "Its such a little thing, why not just give him what he wants? It's a small price to pay for peace." Some was "guilt" though...it's hard to sit down to dinner when your son has called and told you he has no food. So yeah...then I've given in and spent money on him....Of course I regret it now and mine is only 20!

I'm very sorry you are going thru this. You've found a good place here for people to advise or just understand.

One thing, I really would call the police on the handgun. I know you don't want to - we never reported any of our missing items, including the $700 cash that caused us to put our son out last October. He was still only 19. But the day he left I turned to my husband (Jabberwockey on this board) and said, "Check your guns." They are the ONE thing I would have called the police about. Thank God we didn't have to...they were all accounted for.

 

[BusynMember]

I would call on the gun. He could kill someone or himself with that weapon. He took it for a reason. Please...if you ever tried to save his life, do it by reporting this.

 

[Lil]

It's possible he thinks he needs it for some reason. It's possible he just pawned it or sold it to someone else. In fact, it's possible (though it sounds like it's not likely) that someone else took it. But the fact is no matter who took it, why they took it, or where it ends up, nothing good can possibly come of a stolen handgun.

 

[okie girl]

I have done that. Not to not feel "guilty" necessarily, but just because I was so worn down from the constant stress...it was easier than listening to my son gripe and shout or beg or slam things or whatever. "Its such a little thing, why not just give him what he wants? It's a small price to pay for peace." Some was "guilt" though...it's hard to sit down to dinner when your son has called and told you he has no food. So yeah...then I've given in and spent money on him....Of course I regret it now and mine is only 20!

I'm very sorry you are going thru this. You've found a good place here for people to advise or just understand.

One thing, I really would call the police on the handgun. I know you don't want to - we never reported any of our missing items, including the $700 cash that caused us to put our son out last October. He was still only 19. But the day he left I turned to my husband (Jabberwockey on this board) and said, "Check your guns." They are the ONE thing I would have called the police about. Thank God we didn't have to...they were all accounted for.

Thanks Lil for posting. I know I need to report the gun being stolen. Hopefully I can find the serial number. My husband, granddaughter (Difficult Child's daughter) and I went our to eat this evening and I found myself feeling guilty. I was concerned my Difficult Child May not have any money for food. I'm really trying hard to detach but it is very difficult.

 

[okie girl]

I would call on the gun. He could kill someone or himself with that weapon. He took it for a reason. Please...if you ever tried to save his life, do it by reporting this.

Thanks for your reply SomewhereOutThere. I know this is something I need to do

 

[Lil]

I was concerned my Difficult Child May not have any money for food. I'm really trying hard to detach but it is very difficult.

There are shelters and food banks. He won't starve to death. Believe me, it took my repeating that to myself over and over, but it was true. He was only 19, had no "real-world" experience, and he hasn't starved to death yet.

 

[BusynMember]

One thing there are plenty of for the homeless are others in the homeless community who know the ropes and places to eat for free. I wouldn't worry about that too much. Often they like to call to stay they are "starving." If your son does that and asks for money DON'T DO IT. Bring him bread and peanut butter (large jar), but don't give him money. He will use it for drugs, not food.
Eating is about the easiest trick a homeless person learns about. There are sleeping shelters too, but they require rules to sleep there, such as you are sober. And you have to be there at a certain time. I worked at a really nice shelter at a church. The church ladies always cooked a great meal. The clients got free train tickets to the next night's church that offered a mattress, warmth, and food. Some didn't keep coming because they didn't want to stay sober. That's usually the issue. Nobody will take in a person who is high or drunk or violent. But the person can still eat there. Salvation Army is another great resource.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Some didn't keep coming because they didn't want to stay sober. That's usually the issue.

This is very true. Its why our son got kicked out of the shelter. He just couldnt seem to follow the rules and it was NEVER his fault. He didnt do his chore because his friend bailed on giving him a ride back from a place he should have never been in the first place. He didnt do his chore because he had to work and there was work offered and didnt THEY want HIM to work?!?!

As much as it makes us feel like we're abandoning them, the fact of the matter is that our grown children are grown and will more than likely be just fine. We just cant understand the choices they are making and want whats best for them knowing full and well that what they are doing is not just not whats best for them, but potentially very harmful as well. We just have to suck it up, quit enabling, and hope that they remove their cranium from their rectal orifice sooner rather than later.

 

[okie girl]

This is very true. Its why our son got kicked out of the shelter. He just couldnt seem to follow the rules and it was NEVER his fault. He didnt do his chore because his friend bailed on giving him a ride back from a place he should have never been in the first place. He didnt do his chore because he had to work and there was work offered and didnt THEY want HIM to work?!?!

As much as it makes us feel like we're abandoning them, the fact of the matter is that our grown children are grown and will more than likely be just fine. We just cant understand the choices they are making and want whats best for them knowing full and well that what they are doing is not just not whats best for them, but potentially very harmful as well. We just have to suck it up, quit enabling, and hope that they remove their cranium from their rectal orifice sooner rather than later.

Thank you all for your replies. I feel so bad like I have abandoned him. Hope this feeling ends soon. Thanks again for the replies. I know y'all understand how I feel.

 

[Lil]

You have not abandoned your son. He is not only an adult, he's the father of other adults! At his age he should be taking care of you...not the other way around. When you were 43 years old, did you still have mom and dad taking care of you? If they told you, at 43, that you would have to handle your own problems, would that have been abandoning you? Dear, you have done all you can. It's up to him.

Read the article on detachment that's stickied at the top of the forum. Talk to your counselor. Hang in there.