NEVER Good Enough

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Dec 20, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    She did it again. Came over here to blast me because I am so terrible. It has been a week of terribleness - starting with this 4th day of throwing up. Her timing is PERFECT - the ONLY times she comes over she does so with-o warning and ALWAYS after either the flu or a really horrendous set of problems - like the washer backing water up into the tubs.

    Jess and thank you went to a movie with her and husband made the mistake of asking if he could come borrow a ladder and my dad's longer snake. Dad insisted on doing it - when that was NOT what we asked. He is also INSISTING on paying for a plumber - we have NOT NOT NOT asked. Tried to insist on paying for it and he set it up with the plumber to pay already. While it is appreciated - it was something we planned to do and waited a day because my father wanted to try to fix it.

    My mother is on what we now see as her holiday rant. husband has FINALLY realized that she wants NOTHING more than to destroy us. Over the summer she actually told people we were filing for divorce and she was "getting" our youngest child.

    I assume that she was told by her attorney that there is NO WAY she can have ANY rights over our kids unless we divorce. She keeps trying to tell me that husband never says anything nice or even respectful to me. We have our arguments but I am totally sure that what she is reading as awful is simply something on the level of "Susie has a migraine" or "Hi, how are things going?".

    My mom this time made a GIANT error in that she spewed her vomit all over Jessie - who is ******. She had NO idea how disrespectful and vicious my mother can be. Jess askd why she hates me. I have no way to answer it except that I look just like her and she hates herself. Jess drew the next logical conclusion and says she cannot wait until she is included in her gma's "hate fest", as she called it.

    Now my docs have ALL told me that I am to NEVER EVER sit on the floor because the chances of breaking a hip are higher than they are for most 80 yo's because my bones are demineralizing. (FYI, choke as much calcium into your kids, esp daughter's from an early age - esp into their teens - having your bones soften is very very painful.) So the flooring my mother INSISTED we accept has not been put down. I CANNOT DO IT. She was clear that she would NOT help - and now is angry and going to call CPS because his room has carpet and not smooth flooring. They have told me that unless we have excrement and dead animals all over there is NOTHING they can do about taking custody of our kids.

    by the way - Is it illegal to take someone else's child to the doctor with-o the parent's permission? She is threatening to do that also. In the past we had a couple of problems with Wiz getting care while he was living with my parents. They lost the forms I signed and wouldn't even take him to an exam room until I showed up and signed papers. So I think this is illegal.

    She thought that calling my inlaws was perfectly fine - just as calling husband's choir director was fine. The kids bathroom had books and some clothes on the floor and the tub was a mess because the water backing up. husband worked almost 60 hours last week and we got behind somewhat. So of course the house is at its very worst - she has amazing timing and the times she comes over are either during the flu or when husband had been working a LOT.

    I am handling it better - I didn't get that shaky intimidated feeling during or after her tirade. 4 days of upset stomach maybe, or more likely I am slipping her leash more every time I see her!
     
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok OMG is all I can say. I dont' know the history yet sounds like there's a super long one. I for one am also the daughter of a Pyscho Mom. :)

    I am learning to detatch, detatch , detach. she tortures me as well, judges me with-difficult child almost all the time, controls everything under the sun. you name it. yet nowhere near what's going on with-you. id' kill her. i'd loose it bigtime.

    ok my question to you is this why are you accepting anything from her, why do you let her in? i'm sorry i'm asking cause i'm really curious. jess didnt' need to hear that and my easy child hears the same junk on my end and says the same thing like why does grandma not like you? my answer is the same she doesn't like herself.

    sorry you had to go thru that. yet no one not even your mom should stand in judgement of you at anytime i'm quite sure she's made her share of mistakes along the way they just like to act godlike. why would she take him to the dr also? he's with-you now right?

    I don't know life's too short i'm learning more each day, in therapy reading alot of books about this kinda stuff. if it's toxic and sounds like she is draw alot of boundaries do your best to stick to them.

    ((Hugs))) i'm so sorry i can kinda get how your feeling.
     
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    She wants a doctor to say that we do not provide a safe home and medically neglect the kids. She is trying to do ANYTHING to upset us. Why do we let her near the property? Old habits die hard. I stopped calling her because she doesn't answer or doesn't make sense (she takes ritalin for adhd - which I doubt she has as she spent years trying to get me to find a source of speed so she could lose weight. Today when no one answered the door she went around the house knocking on every window. I am glad I quietly removed my house keys from her home about a year ago.

    I am not always the one around when she or my dad offer things. We have only accepted some very basic things for the kids - and only because I cannot seem to get disability and husband cannot find a full time job. Regardless, if we had not answered the door she would have called the police - NOT that they would do anything, but it would be a giant mess. I am pretty sure she is going to call CPS at some point.

    It just hurt when I realized the last thing she told me that wasn't judgemental and awful was about 4 yrs ago. Jess is reluctant to see her on xmas, and I cannot blame her. I also will NOT force her to go over there. She is 15 and old enough to make that choice.

    I am also processing learning about 6 weeks ago that every time she would put Wiz to bed when she visited us in OH, and after we moved to OK if she read to him at bedtime, she would tell Wiz things that totally underminedour parenting, even telling him it was fine to break our things and if hs got broken she would buy him more and force us to let him have what she sent. I am talking about a box the size paper comes in full of toys and books and soemtimes clothes.

    This xmas is going to be very different as I will NOT speak much to her. I won't skip out of her home because I love my father and it would crush him.

    Aren't relatives people you have to spend time with that you would NEVER choose to be around if they weren't relatives?

    by the way, the bathroom that was "so filthy" took less than 10 mins to clean except for the tub and scrubbing the floor (easy). We don't want to clean the tub until after the plumbers come.
     
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Hey Sus... might it have settled your stomach more if you had managed to throw up on her?
     
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wow...your mom...wow. She shouldn't be able to take the kids to the doctor without your consent, but I wonder how she's planning to do this? Kidnap thank you when you're not looking? That's an even scarier thought. Does she have a "doctor friend" she can discuss the "terrible situation" with, undermining you even further? What does your father say about all of this?

    Sending hugs, strength, and 7-up to help settle your stomach.
     
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, HaoZi ... !
    :bravo:

    I'm so sorry that your mom is so ill and that she is determined to make your lives so miserable. Many hugs, Susie.

    And no, she has no rights to your children, period. Ditto. Regardless of divorce.
     
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    i'm so sorry, susie. and fyi, unless someone has power of attorney, or a release, or gaurianship, or custody, at least in this state, they cant take yor child to a dr.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie.............omg, I do believe my mother somehow was cloned!:groan::imok: I'm so very sorry you happened to have the misfortune to get that clone for your mother.

    No doctor will examine your kids without written permission from either you or husband. Just make sure for no reason do you ever give it to either your mother or your dad. I add your dad in there simply because your mom could easily bully him into doing what she wants him to do.

    Your mom has always been bad, but now she is becoming severely toxic, not just to you but to the entire family. This is not your fault. She needs to own her own crud. These offers of "help" are a means for her to pour on the guilt and continue spewing her toxic crud......."see world all I have to do for the sake of those poor poor children!" Gag me. Ok so your dad meant it the right way, problem is that mom will most certainly make every attempt to use it against you and make you miserable for it.

    If there is a way for you to speak with your dad without your mom I'd ask him about you guys getting together without Demon Spawn Mom this year.......maybe a nice meal on xmas eve or something. No it's not fair that he get hurt in all this if possible. But honestly, I have little empathy for a person (any person) who ignores the fact that his wife abuses his daughter and he does little or nothing to put an end to it. in my opinion that makes him just as guilty as dear ol' mom. This is why mom's behavior continues.......everyone allows it without calling her on it, except you......which of course makes you the bad guy. It's high time someone start backing you up in this family, and if the dad who loves you so much (and I know he does) can't do it........well maybe it's time to open his eyes a bit wider.

    If it were me, I'd turn the pumber away. Sorry Mr Plumber Man, we got it handled. Just because it's prepaid does not mean you have to accept. They simply have to refund the money. There are places I've heard that you can rent equipment for home repair. (so husband doesn't have to alert them to issues in the future)

    I wouldn't go within 100 feet of my mother if it were me. Nope. Would not happen. You want to not only break up my marriage but also want to take my kids? Uh, no. Sorry lady. Ruined xmas? Well you did that didn't you now dear ol' mom. Kids disappointed? Perhaps it is time to be a bit realistic with them about grandma and her toxicity.......because either they'll be manipulated by her or hurt by her eventually. The odds of either of those happening will be reduced if they're prepared for it.

    Susie you know I'm huge on family. But this is abuse pure and simple......abuse of your whole family. I know old patterns and habits are very very hard to break. But it's got to start somewhere. If my mother ever even considered pulling such stunts she'd never see/speak to her grandkids again, let alone me. It doesn't matter if she has mental illness or not. Protection of your family comes first. You and husband provide a stable, loving home environment for your children. This is ridiculous. If my mom called the cops because I didn't answer the door........when they arrived I'd press charges for trespassing on private property. (don't cross me, I've learned from the best on how to be vicious ;) )

    I'm so sorry she's decided to take a major nosedive off the deep end. You sooooo don't need this drama and abuse.

    Many (((hugs)))
     
  9. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I have a cloned mother, too. Luckily, when my dad was alive, he ran "interference" and the situation was tolerable. My dad and I had a wonderful relationship (without her). After he died, she came into her own.
    She "disowned" me for 3 years (after I remarried - she's a "good" Catholic and "good" Catholics don't remarry - but they do disown their only child???). I didn't keep the kids from her during that time, but even at their ages they knew to tell her to shut up if she started on something about me. She finally started having contact with me after my oldest answered her request for what he wanted for Christmas with "start seeing my mom again". But she knows there are definite limits to what she can do or say. And if she even crosses that line just a tiny bit, I leave or hang up on her.
    In Ohio, even with signed papers, a grandparent or such cannot take a child for treatment. A step-parent can, but even that can sometimes be tricky. There's no way she'd be able to just take one of your children without your knowledge.

    Is there a group like Working in Neighborhoods in your area? They started here to help people survive the housing crisis and keep their homes when mortgages started going haywire, but have branched out into helping fix up homes for those that cannot afford it (and even building energy efficient homes after tearing down dilapidated ones). Perhaps such a group could help you with your flooring? Check your local churches - they are usually the ones that have contacts with such groups.

    But honestly - don't let your mother in the house, and let her call the police. After a time or two, the officers will figure out who the "problem" is in this relationship, know it's not you, and know how to respond (or not) accordingly.
     
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Susie, add me to the list of people whose mother is as toxic as yours. Mine also tried to break up my marriage, take one of my children away, have me declared incompetent, have me committed involuntarily to a psychiatric hospital, etc. Your comment about the resemblance hit home. My mother and I look so much alike that strangers to me who knew her used to approach me when we lived in the same area. She also has issues with self-hatred which turned against me.

    My solution was to break all contact. ALL. I don't take phone calls, return all mail and other items unopened, and have nothing to do with them. That was the only way to make it stop. Your mother clearly has huge issues with boundaries and your children really need to be protected from her toxicity, as do you. I'm not sure whether there is a happy medium, but it certainly sounds like your mother's behaviour is escalating, to make you back down. It's possible that she will not stop unless you break all contact. If she's persistent enough to roam around the house knocking on the windows if you don't want to answer her, then she wouldn't hesitate to come in your house given the chance. Is a restraining order worth considering? Clearly it distresses your children to have her around treating you that way. Is that something you're willing to pursue?

    There are so many parallels between the way your mother treats you and the way your brother does. I think you need to break free from both of them. If your father really wants to see you, he'll find a way to do so and respect your boundaries. Otherwise, you might have to leave him behind too. Your priorities are your children, yourself and your husband. You need to do what you have to in order to protect your family.

    I'm sorry that you're having to experience this pain. It's horrible.
    Sending many hugs, and an extra layer of rhino skin.

    Trinity
     
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I never had a problem taking the kids to the doctor... However... Since 2005 (when we got married) I have had a POA saying I can at any time. I always pull it out for the office workers, because the kids' insurance is in their mothers' name. Now the kids' last name and mine is the same, mom's isn't. And we have had doctors refuse to treat the kids when she takes them in... Without a copy of the order stating she has shared parenting... Which she does not. It's gotten ironically amusing, with her calling and SCREAMING at me or husband because the doctor won't treat the kid without our permission. (Docs and insurance co's have copies of the sole custody order... because she kept taking the kids in to have them evaluated for abuse... And she inevitably blamed husband.) Of course, now she sends Jett home with full-on vomiting, coughing, fever etc., no cough syrup or anything; she even refuses to get his as-needed allergy medications (generic Benadryl...Woo... Spensive). Sent them with Jett and she threw them away because the bottle wasn't sealed. Whatever.

    And I agree with letting her call the cops. They'll figure it out. "They won't answer the door!" "Lady, that's not a crime. And you don't live here."
     
  12. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    NO!! You are NEVER required to spend time with people that hurt you!! In fact, it's the opposite. You are to love yourself and your family enough to protect them from deliberate pain.

    Relatives are people that you share DNA with. FAMILY are people that love you and care for you. People that want the BEST for you. Therefore, family and relatives are not always the same people.

    If your Mom comes to your house and dumps her toxic yuck on your family - protect them! If she came over and actually physically beat your children to the point of broken bones - you'd never allow her into your house. Well, emotional abuse is worse. Bones heal, emotional wounds are harder to heal.

    My husband is going through this same stuff. He had a drug problem when his children were babies. His Mom got custody of them. He got clean and has been for over 15 years. She gave him back his children, but kept the custody of them. And husband believed that you never take your Mom to court. So, when difficult child-Ant was 15 - she took him. And offered him back if he divorced me. Didn't happen. Then 2 years ago, she took difficult child-Step and said the same thing. Then she took half his pay with the same offer of it would all go away with a divorce from me.

    It's taken 14 years, but husband now sees how toxic his mother is. And he refuses to have anything to do with her. And yet, on Friday, she has her Big annual look-at-me, look-at-me, I'm the perfect Mommy Christmas Eve party. She sent word through one of the brothers that husband should come to the party. And she's been calling, but he refuses to pick up the phone. He will not be there. And it's hard because there will be a lot of nieces and nephews that we won't get to see. And we love them so much. But, we love our sanity and our peace-of-mind more. It's not worth ruining the whole holiday just to make her happy. Especially when she doesn't care about how we feel. All she cares about is how she will look to others.

    Susie, I wish there was some way that I could help you. I see how much pain husband is in and I can't imagine your pain. Just know that you aren't alone. And I'm so proud of the steps you have already taken to protect yourself and set your own boundaries. That takes amazing strength and will. I will send you all the cyber support I can to help strengthen you through this.

    Take care of yourself. And know that I care about you.
     
  13. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I'm kind of late to the party, but I wanted to say that I agree with the others: your mother needs to learn boundaries and she will have to learn them from you. You don't answer the door and she calls tghe police? Let her. I know that it's embarassing, but eventually she will be the one who is embarassed because if it happens enough times the police will tell her where to go and to stop wasting valuable time of the law enforcement officers.

    It's very hard on the kids when things like this happen. They want to know why grandma treats you this way, and at the beginning you don't want to speak harshly about her to them, but they do need to know what she's really like. They need to see that you are strong enough to walk away from this toxic rubbish that she is spewing. You would want your kids to be able to do that if it were them in your shoes and they will learn that it's okay when they see you do it. I had to walk away from my sister because she was very toxic and extremely rude to my husband, especially after my parents died (she went around telling people that we were getting a divorce and not to speak to him. While we had been having problems at the time, divorce was never discussed). My older son has asked, on several occasions, why we don't see her and I tell him that his aunt is not nice to me and I will not be treated like that by anyone. I deserve better than that, and so do you and your husband and kids.

    Pam
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Want to know what I find very interesting about my mother? Shortly before I was born my mother told my gpa (her father) that if she EVER saw him have even ONE drink then he would not EVER see her or her kids again. And when I was about 4-5 my uncle (dad's bro, not mom's) that if he ever tickled me again then he would not ever be allowed near us again. She was dead serious about it. He would tickle me and not stop untl it was HIS idea - regardless of my feelings about it. It HURT when he tickled. Of course me ASKING her to make him stop wasn't enough - it was months later when I had bruises from his tickling and I was having nightmares about it that she took a stand. Just me asking wasn't enough. I have quite a few memories of that time in my life (and earlier) and I clearly remember it. This same uncle isn't allowed near my kids with-o husband or I in the same room because he molested me when I was 16. I never even bothered to tell her or dad about it - no way would they believe me. Dad might have, but mom wouldn't because I was just a "drama queen" and I "over-react to normal things". I managed to block the memory of my uncle for quite a while - until Jess was 10 and I watched him look at her. It came back in a flood.

    I do find it interesting that she could set those boundaries but it is some mortal sin if I set a boundary. Even on something as basic as demanding that gfgbro NOT give my kids chewing tobacco, cigarettes or skoal, or that he not let them sit on his lap and drive a car or truck.

    It is just so dang hard to break the patterns of a lifetime. My oldest likes her gravy train though he has admitted to us and himself that she did a LOT of things that made it impossible for us to parent him - he knew that whatever he came up with to explain his behavior would be used against me. Jessie has her eyes open pretty much to my mother's manipulations. It is hard to watch her go through this stuff because I know how much it hurts and it must be even worse for her.

    I am not sure if it is time for a restraining order or not. I am not a good judge of this yet. I am dreading Christmas. I don't want anything from her except peace. I am quite sure I will be a terrible person again if I don't give her the written plan for making my house/life meet her standards. She has demanded one - and I won't do it. EVER. Once again I called CPS as a preemptive strike. She is claiming that not having hot water means our home is unfit. Our water heater died so we have been boiling water for dishes and baths. No one has had food poisoning, no one has gone unbathed, and we wash all our laundry in cold water anyway unless one of us is really sick. CPS has said that not having hot water is NOT grounds for removal, neither is a dusty house unless a child is having repeated trips to the ER for asthma related problems. Basically unless we have dead animals all over or animal pooh all over they will do NOTHING about her allegations except find the file is unfounded.

    Oh, she also wants to speak to my doctors because she is SURE that I am lying to them to get stoned. No way is THAT going to happen - not in THIS life or the next one! In the past I wouldn't have had a problem with her coming, esp if I was overwhelmed and looking at surgery or something. It wasn't a problem then but I was playing her game then. Now that I have stopped, well, things will get worse before they get better.

    Thanks for the wise words and unending support. Retraining yourself is hard work, even when you KNOW that you are making much better decisions. I don't think I could handle this with-o you all and husband.
     
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Since your mom sounds a lot like mine, I would be happy to let you clone my mom. She is sitting in a box on my bookcase!
     
  16. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    There is a possiblity that things will never get better. It's a heart-breaking thing because our Mom's are supposed to love and care for us forever. You love your children and will through eternity. What your Mom is doing brings up all the "What is wrong with me that she doesn't love me" feelings. And even when our brain knows that is boloney, our hearts can't accept it.

    I don't know how many times your Mom has "gotten better" and then went back to this, but I know my mother in law. She will be so kind and supportive then BAM! the knife is inserted in the back. husband and I have come to the conclusion that it's hard to stab someone in the back when they keep their distance, so she changes behavior just long enough for you to get close and take your guard down.

    Is there anyway you can call your Dad and you guys meet him sometime over the weekend without your Mother? That way you can enjoy a Christmas with your Dad and avoid all the other garbage. Just a suggestion.
     
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Susie, I agree with the others who are encouraging you to protect yourself and your family. Your mother's actions are toxic and harmful. She is abusing you AND your children. It's hard to change the patterns
    of a lifetime, but it can be done. I would strongly encourage you to get a therapist who is familiar with the behavior patterns of parents like this, as a support day by day while you protect yourself and your family.

    Your mother can say anything she wants, but that doesn't make it true. No hot water is an inconvenience, not evidence of an unsafe home. You are within your rights not to answer your doorbell. You don't have to
    accept visits or phone calls. I would urge you to set all these boundaries. I understand about loving your father; for years my sibs and I tolerated ridiculous abuse from my mother, including having her ruin our weddings,
    because we loved our father and didn't want to be cut off from him. What we didn't do was to hold him accountable for his own actions. He didn't have to go along quietly with my mother's abusive actions, but he did
    because he wanted to keep the peace - it was easier for him. We thought of him as a gentle victim, but he had his own agenda. We should have kept ourselves and our children safe and acknowledged that he was making adult choices as much as our mother was.

    The point is that your father has choices. If he chooses to ignore his wife's harmful actions, that's a choice that may mean he doesn't see his daughter and grandchildren.
    He may not be willing to change anything until the situation becomes uncomfortable for him. Your priority must be the protection of yourself and your children. Please - if your mother
    is trying her best to wrest your children from you, take action! Do not give her access to them. Let your doctor know she is not permitted to care for them; give their schools written
    instructions that the ONLY adults who may pick them up are you and your husband; and let her and your father know that if she EVER takes them without permission (which means ever),
    you will call police and pursue kidnapping charges. I had to do this with my mother when she was determined that she should have partial custody of my daughter. Only the
    information that I would call police on her, along with the instructions to daughter's school and pre-emptive contact with police, and a family lawyer, deterred her. If she hadn't had all that
    in her face she would have felt free to carry on. Sometimes there's no way to be nice when you're protecting your child.

    Relatives aren't people that you 'have to see'. Sometimes they are harmful and abusive. When they are, they lose the privilege of being treated like family, because they've stopped being family.
    {{{hugs}}}, Susie.
     
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet ...................... :rofl: :rofl:

    Susie, I am much relieved for your sake you've decided to stop playing the game. You're right, it's going to get a LOT worse before it gets better, IF it gets better. (sometimes is does not get better, I'm afraid)

    Don't expect to be perfect at not getting pulled back into her drama. Because you won't be. It's going to be struggle for a while as you get used to setting up those boundaries and firmly keep them into place. If you mess up, learn from it, put the boundary in place and go on. In time you will get good at it and it won't bother near as much. You might even get like me..........who is so cold hearted I can now laugh at my mom's antics........Although she's not tried anything serious since she disowned me and it backfired in her face.

    She's mentally ill. That is not your fault and you can't help her. All you can do is protect yourself and your family from her mental illness.

    We're here when you need us.

    Many ((((hugs))))
     
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Today has been incredibly hard. I got about 2 hrs of sleep and woke up with a nightmare that I have had off and on for years. More a PTSD flashback than a nightmare really, because it happened. The thing is, I don't dream. Not just don't remember them, I don't get much of the kind of sleep that dreams happen in. several sleep studies have shown this. medications only help a little - I get more sleep but not much more of the right kinds of sleep. The rare dreams usually happen around times when mom is more toxic than usual.

    I woke up thinking I was drowning. I was in fifth or sixth grade again. At that time my bro was so determined to hurt me that my mother paid a friend's older sister to come over after school every day. My mom's job paid for gfgbro's tuition, her gas and parking, and this babysitter. period. Gfgbro was put into a special school for boys that really needed an advanced curriculum - boys there skipped grades seven and eight. He had to take 2 city busses to get home - and his school was actually across the river in another entire state. He was drinking heavily by that time and was smoking weed and cigarettes, in addition to hating everything about me.

    The sitter was late because she had to do something on her way to our house. About 15 minutes late. She was the 2nd oldest in a family of 5 kids, so she was no stranger to sibling fights and violence. What happened this day scared her so bad she wouldn't come back unless gfgbro was not home.

    I don't know what we were fighting about. Most likely me finding his booze (beer and whiskey or vodka were his usual choices) and saying something about it, or maybe I had just found his porno stash (five or six stacks of porn magazines that were EACH over 2 feet tall, stored in the playhouse that our next door neighbors built for their son but he had stopped using completely until the boys found the stash. Really hard core stuff, esp for the late 70's-early 80's. This was NOT just a few issues of playboy or penthouse, not by a long shot. he was using his lunch money and money he stole from me to get wino's to buy this stuff for him.)

    The fight could have been over anything. This time he was really messed up on something and held me down in the tub, face up, under the spout where the water comes out to fill the tub. Hot water, of course.

    anyway, the sitter came in and found this - I was conscious but had pretty much figured I was dead. He had my arms and legs pinned so I couldn't fight.

    Bad as that is, when my mom got home it got a LOT worse. She wasn't a big yeller, usually got quiet and vicious. This time she was loud and vicious about how it was MY fault and I was ruining everything and I had better figure out a way to become a "good" daughter and sister so that these things would stop happening. At NO time did she EVER ask if I was okay. I had a big bruise on my forehead and was coughing up water well into the night.

    I don't know if my dad ever even knew what had happened, other than that I was grounded and so was gfgbro until we could "get along" and until I "stopped provoking him" because "he would NEVER do anything to hurt me except my 'lies' scared him".

    I did put a call in to my therapist. She doesn't have an opening until mid January.

    My mom couldn't figure out why my friends didn't come over. I didn't have many because I was a bookworm with immature social skills, but even the friend who's sister babysat us was NEVER allowed to come over again unless they were positive that myparents were home and gfgbro wasn't. I went to their houses instead.

    I worked through this in college, but it is back big as life again. Almost worse because now I know there are better ways to be a family and I know this is NOT healthy parenting.

    And my mother was the one who INSISTED that there was NOTHING wrong with Wiz - right up until he admitted what he had done to Jessie. Even that - was my fault for being too dramatic and dreaming up his problems for attention.

    I am just praying to get through the holidays until our obligatory visit is over. At that time we will likely go back to not speaking for weeks at a time.

    And she wonders why I do not call. Hmmm let me think on that. thanks for letting me vent. husband can't handle hearing about this much. He will listen, but he gets so angry on my behalf, so upset that any child could be treated that way, that he ends up super stressed out. I hope I can sleep some tonight.

    On a positive note, the kids made two kinds of fudge tonight - chocolate and then peanut butter with a bit of chocolate swirled on top! Both very easy recipes, thank heavens!
     
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie, I know this is incredibly hard. But if just the thought of visiting your mom is bringing up this severe PTSD.........seriously consider not going. Appearances be d*mned, kids will get over it, and dad will as well, and it might even get his attention. But there is no reason to subject yourself to this. You are as important as your kids and your dad.

    Katie and M are doing this sort of parenting. With them Alex and Evan are out of control (her words not mine). The only child they have any control over is Kayla. Since they can control her........they want her to be utterly perfect so as not to "provoke" her brothers. Which results in Kayla always being in the wrong and being abused by her sibs with no one sticking up for Kayla. One good thing about her being here is that the family does not sit idly by and allow it to happen in our presence. We will speak up and take her side causing her parents to back track and punish the right child and apologize to her. They don't like it but they do it. Katie and M unconsciously (or heck maybe consciously for all I know) need someone to blame for the boys out of control behavior. Kayla is their scape goat. Otherwise they're forced to admit they're having major parenting problems. This of course makes them look incompetent.

    I was my Mom's scape goat, and you were yours.

    With this high level of PTSD I don't know how you can make yourself go over there at all. Lord knows I wouldn't.

    ((((hugs))))
     
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