Never say never...please don't make crass

[busywend]

Great analogy, Dreamer. I never thought of it that way.

It is pretty cool to see how we all think differently. Nobody is wrong or right. Just different. It is what makes the world go 'round!


I say this as the important part here is that all members need to know their options. 'The system' is an option - but it is good for people to see the good and the bad of that option when making such big decisions. I wish it was a perfect option and it worked everytime. I am happy it has worked for some. I am sad it has not worked for others.

 

[bonkers]

The problem with the system is you never know what will happen.. You have to take that leap of faith, for some of us it may be a leap we can not make... my difficult child has in the last year pushed us to the We CAN NOT KEEP DOING THIS level... but even with that it would be an option I do not personally consider a real option.. I have heard such horror stories.. I have been a respite provider for a specific family for 6+ years and seen the horrors of bith the perm placed children and the foster kids that would come and go. My friend the foster / adoptive parent we do this for is a wonderful woman and any child that lands in her home is the better for it, However I fear she is in the minority.. One boy that is no longer in her home, I have worked with his worker to continue resipte for him through his new placments has been through H***, he is ADHD/PST/Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/FDA etc... Not an easy kid - but he has a wonderful heart... I can not say never, but for now not a considerable option... So I know where you are comming from...

 

[timer lady]

My intent of this thread was to remind people that saying never might close viable treatment options for your difficult child. The option may not be palatable to you but certainly viable.

If I came across as defensive I apologize.

Please understand sometimes trying something like this works - other times it doesn't.

 

[witzend]

Dreamer, I feel as though you are picking a fight with me over semantics. I see your point, but wonder why you feel others aren't entitled to their own points of view. No one here is judging anyone. I would be shocked to find anyone here being anything other than accepting of our decisions and our foibles.

What I know for myself from having a long full life is that "never" is a - I don't know what to call it without offending the easily offended and I certainly don't mean to offend anyone. Never is a dream. It's a fantasy. It's a lie. It's a hope. It's a wish. Maybe even we live our whole life and "it" never happens. But usually not because we said "I'll never...". More often it's because it just turned out that way. Or maybe we prepared ourselves well enough that we didn't have to face that dilemma. But saying "never" doesn't make it so.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">so I should decide each time, case by case, do I wanna touch this hot stove, do I wanna touch this hot BBQ grill, do I wanna touch this hot muffler? </div></div>

Yes, in fact each time you decide to not touch the hot stove, you do DECIDE. As for your examples, try this.

The kitchen is on fire and the only way to stop it is to touch the hot stove. But you said you would NEVER touch the hot stove. Are you really going to let the house burn down?

The baby is in the stroller and got loose and rolled into the hot muffler and is stuck. The only way to help is to touch the muffler. You said you would NEVER touch the hot muffler. Do you let the baby burn?

The BBQ grill tipped over and is burning down on your daughter and the handles fell off. You said you would NEVER touch the hot BBQ. Do you pick it up off of her?

Absolutes usually have exceptions, so why use absolutes? It's easier to let yourself be open to exceptions to the rule when you don't live your life in absolutes.

I prefer to say "I do whatever it takes so that that won't happen again" the next time the 'ugly' option comes around rather than saying "I will never do that again" and have no argument for someone other than "It didn't work last time so I won't ever do it again" the next time some fool is throwing that option in my face, or worse yet, it seems to be the only option left. At least if I have no other choice but to do it as much as I don't want to, no one can look at me and say "I could have told you, but you wouldn't listen."

 

[everywoman]

"Please understand sometimes trying something like this works - other times it doesn't."

That goes with everything any of use tries--medications, inpatient care, outpatient care, docs, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s....

Linda, I admire so much your ability to take the situation you've been given---or actualy you took on---and just deal! I know that this is not what you dreamed your life would be like...but then did any of us here ever imagine we would be here. But, you...you have a tenacity that I find amazing. I know you get tired and that at times it seems too much, but I've also seen that you know when you've had enough and had the sense to back away. This parenting of difficult children is hard and they don't put this kind of stuff in the parenting manual I was given when mine were born (LOL).

I think so much of what we do as parents---of both difficult children and easy child's is trial and error. Whta works for one may not work for all. We do what we can with the resources available to us. We learn to be advocates for our children. I have never been beyond trying anything to get help for difficult child. Somethings helped; others were a wash, but at least I never gave up. I would have moved a mountain if I was told it would help.

Sometime we are left at the mercy of the professionals---and we all know they aren't always right. They, like us, are humans. They will make mistakes. Even when it's there job to do the best thing for the child, how can anyone know what is the best thing for each child. The professionals we trust with our children don't have a crystal ball---they can't possibly know, anymore than we can, what will work.

I don't expect anything out of anyone that I don't expect out of myself. After all, in the end, I am the parent. The decisions are mine and the choices are my son's. No gov't agency, hospital, Residential Treatment Center (RTC), justic system will change any of that.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Thank you for sharing your feelings. You have given me so much to think about!!! I agree with you. All of us are doing the best we can with what we have to work with.

If someone told me 18 years ago that my life was going to be turned upside down by two of my own children, I NEVER would have believed it!!! I NEVER would have thought my oldest would end up in a police station with me begging the officer in charge not to make me take him home... I NEVER would have thought I would break down in tears in front of several policemen and a detective telling them to search my son's room... I NEVER would have thought difficult child 2 would throw a chair at the elementary school principal... I NEVER would have thought any of these things EVER!!! There is so much more... I could go on and on and on...

I don't think there is a right or a wrong way to do things. I think everyone here needs to do whatever makes the most sense for him/her...

You're right - If love could cure our difficult children, than none of us would be here... This board would not exist... As I already said, we're all doing the best we can with what we have to work with. I'm just glad we have eachother to share our feelings with, get advice from, and know that we all understand the day to day ups and downs of raising difficult children... Thanks again for posting this... :flower: WFEN

 

[Fran]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'>Giving each mother the benefit of the doubt that they are making the best decisions they can no matter whether I agree or not is usually a fair, wise and kind way to go.
I really gave up caring about outside opinion on my choices. Many wouldn't understand why I decided to do what I did. I can't be influenced by peer or family pressure. I can't fail my difficult child by popular opinion. If I thought an unpopular intervention would help difficult child(and not hurt him) I would and have done it. I would hope those of you who have walked in the shoes of a mother of a difficult child would give me the benefit of the doubt that I was making the best choice I could.
It's hard to not pass judgement that someone is falling down on the job or we would make better choices if we were the parent. Yet each of us is here because we are looking for better ways to help our kids and for help to survive the pain that living with a difficult child brings us.
If you have had success it's easy to think "if it worked for my difficult child it would work for you. The more dangerous thought is "why are they not doing what I'm doing?" Using cookie cutter child rearing is stupid and closed minded. All our kids need unique parenting. I couldn't do as good a job for your kid as you do. You couldn't do a better job raising my difficult child.
There are days when I say I should never have started down the trail of parenting. Fortunately, they are few and far between. I'm committed to doing the best I can for my difficult child and I know in my heart that each of you will do what's best for your difficult child. Hopefully we are smart enough to not follow someone's opinion mindlessly. I don't think that is ever a risk with this group of independent strong minded parents who attend this site. Look at what your child needs and don't worry about who or what thinks about it.
I hope you never have to make the choices I have had to make or Linda, or Janna or slsh (and many others) but if you do, I am pretty sure we would be the first to offer a gentle understanding that you are doing the best you can.
It's dangerous to have a mindset that you are going to offer instructions on how to save someone else's difficult child. I'm still working on saving my own family. I don't have any clue how you should save yours. </span>

 

[flutterbee]

As the mother of a difficult child, I know firsthand (as we all do) how it feels to be judged harshly by others. I would never pretend to know what is best for another difficult child and his/her family. It is my place as a friend, as a mother, as a woman, as a member of this board, as a person to offer my support, a shoulder, advice when asked, but not to judge nor to criticize.