Never Thought Of It This Way

[Bunny]

difficult child had an appointment with the therapist last Saturday. When I was in the room I told the therapist that difficult child has a fairly good week, but we need to work on his aggression. Whenever he does not get his way, with either easy child or me, he resorts to abusive language and physical aggression. I'm sick of it.

Fast forward through the week and difficult child has has a really good week (so far). He's been patient and asked me for help three times when he was have a problem with easy child. One time I told him that he could not have his way, but the other two we worked to make the outcome satisfactory to everyone. Yesterday I sent a text to the therapist and asked what he said to difficult child. He said that he explained to him that when there is a problem between difficult child and someone else, when difficult child chooses to react with aggression he will lose. Every. Single. Time. Even if he is right about something, he will always be looked at as being in the wrong because he got aggressive. He also said that in a way, he was allowing easy child to control the outcome because easy child knows that he will never get punished when difficult child threw the first punch.

I never thought of it that way. Will it last? Who knows! I'll take the good days as they come and recharge so that I can be ready for the bad ones.

 

[InsaneCdn]

That's one GOOD therapist!

Will it last? if he keeps getting positive results from the change, it will stick. Not that he won't have a relapse now and then - when life is just too much and he just reacts. But... when everyone else responds well to the "new" difficult child... you'll get more of the "new" difficult child. (usually... <sigh> difficult children being difficult children, it isn't a guarantee, right?)

 

[DaisyFace]

Score one for the therapist!

And it makes a lot of sense....so hopefully, that's a lesson that will "stick" with difficult child for the long haul.

 

[JJJ]

Reframing it that way helped both of my boys. And teaching them about karma (let karma get even cause karma can't get in trouble but boys could).

 

[Malika]

The therapist was respectful of your son, appealing to his intelligence, and so ensured success in a way a punitive approach cannot. Here's hoping the good trend continies!

 

[StressedM0mma]

Wow. Such a simple way of explaining things. Sometimes I look right past the obvious. What a great therapist. It is wonderful that he could explain it in such a way that difficult child just got it. Hope the days continue for a long while.

 

[TerryJ2]

Very good! Way To Go therapist!
You know, if you had said that to your difficult child, he wouldn't have listened. Something about the authority figure, the outside authority, that works.
Fingers crossed that it continues.

 

[SuZir]

That's great. it's goof that therapist managed to get through to him. He will surely backslide at times, but I do hope that it mostly sticks, because that is quite a bog lesson.

You know, if you had said that to your difficult child, he wouldn't have listened. Something about the authority figure, the outside authority, that works.

Or simply that therapist is on his side. Because Mom of course is always on easy child side, whatever happens and even when it is clearly easy child's fault. And she doesn't even listen difficult child's side of it. (Yeah, never met Bunny or her difficult child but I would bet quite a lot that that would be Bunny's difficult child's version about things )

 

[Bunny]

I was thinking about this today and asking myself why I hadn't thought to explain it like this, and I think that Terry is right. Anything that I say goes in one ear and out the other. What on earth do I know? I'm mom and stupid as all get out, according to difficult child. Because it came from the therapist, someone that difficult child trust and knows will take his side, he took what was said to heart. For now, at least.

 

[buddy]

Oh I think so too. Worse, it could have been argued etc..... Glad this guy listens to you. He seems to really get difficult child pretty well.

 

[TeDo]

You know bunny, you can't think of everything all the time. However, with practice you can get better. You are also a work in progress so give yourself a break. You're still a "newbie" when it comes to alternative thought patterns. on the other hand, you have an AWESOME therapist. Definitely a keeper!

 

[Bunny]

I have to be honest. There are weeks when I wonder if we are making any progress at all! Then we have sessions like this when I KNOW we got something accomplished.

 

[InsaneCdn]

That's exactly the way it goes with "our" kids... we can't see what is being processed on the inside and then, all of a sudden, they "shoot forward".
Even typical kids do this, but it seems to be more noticable with "our" kids...

 

[susiestar]

Your therapist is awesome!

As for why you didn't think of it/tell him, the others are right. It wouldn't matter if you said this a thousand times to difficult child. You would STILL be wrong in difficult child's eyes.

This difficult child attitude toward anything mom says reminds me of Wiz at age 8-9. He firmly believed, deep down in his heart, that we NEVER said anything positive to him. It drove me crazy. Largely because we worked to say 2 positive things for every single negative one. He just was UNABLE to really hear the positives that we told HIM.

I fixed this by calling other people to praise him while he was in the room or the next room. He heard everything we ever said that wasn't said TO him. So I used that. I either called, or pretended to call, my parents and friends when I wanted to praise him. I spent a lot of time talking into a phone wth no one at the other end, but it did what we needed to have happen.

It let Wiz hear that we truly were proud of him and happy to have him around and it reinforced the good things.

Not sure that would help you, but it does show that sometimes a mom just can't say anything a difficult child will believe. In a difficult child mind, we say those things because we HAVE to , not because they are real. When we bring in a 3rd party, it becomes real and good and has a chance to sink in.