Neverending Drama

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by elizabrary, Mar 5, 2011.

  1. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Kat, who said Tues she would never speak to me again, called me today. I saw a cell # I didn't recognize, so I didn't answer the phone and it was her. She left a message that she had emailed BD's mother about a check she had supposedly sent Kat to my house, which never came. BD's mom told Kat she was concerned about the check because the signature looked funny. Now she tells Kat that she was wrong she actually sent the check to Kat at BD's house (which make no sense at all because she hasn't lived with him for at least 6 months) and that he must have cashed the check that was made out to Kat. Now Kat wants me to call her back to tell her if she can press charges against BD for forging her signature.

    First of all, as usual this is some kind of shady, messed up situation and who even knows who's lying and who's telling the truth, not to mention I think she should let anything regarding BD go. I think it's another "symptom" of her sickness that she cannot just let that abusive relationship just die completely. Second, after all that Kat has done to me over the last few weeks I am the last person she should call to ask for help or advice. And finally, I don't want to call her back because I'm still angry with her and I don't want to get pulled back into the drama. But the guilty mom side of me feels like I should call her back. Opinons, thoughts, advice?
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I wouldn't call. You may be her mom but you are NOT her punching bag - literal or figurative. She can call someone else about this, including the police or an attorney, and you owe her exactly NOTHING.

    She won't be happy that you don't call, but that is not your problem any longer. She abused you greatly and yet you seem to still feel you owe her. Exactly what do you "owe" her and why? Because you are her mom? I would do all you can to fight that type of thinking. You do not owe her anything at all - ever.

    If she wants the benefit of your wisdom and guidance then she can start by repaying you for all of the expenses you paid for her over the last year (at least since she turned 18), and she can start to turn her life around and prove to you that she is a different person than she was when she hurt you so much. Until then, she has no right to ask anything of you, in my opinion.

    I know that is easy to say (or even think) and very very hard to do. PLEASE go to a dv center and ask for help understanding and figuring how to cope with your abusive relationship with Kat. We can only help so much here, they will be able to provide a lot of real world help. If you cannot go there for some reason, please find a therapist and get them to help you cut the ties so that you can build a happy life for yourself. Until Kat makes some huge, real changes in her life, it would be best for you to stay as far away from her as possible.

    If you cannot do that, and must call her, just let her know that you don't have a clue and she needs to consult an attorney and no you won't pay for it.
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    A couple of thoughts.... as far as the abusive relationship she has with BD. It is hard as a family member to watch a child be in a relationship that is abusive. One of the things abusers do is try to isolate their partners from their loved ones who will support them. Often that works because the loved ones get sick of the abusive relationship and tactics and effects on the loved one. And a person cannot leave an abusive relationship until they are ready, no one else can make their decision for them. So the best thing in that situation is to continue to let the loved one know you love them and are there for them, at the same time setting any limits so that you don't have to deal with the abuser or abusive relationship. It can be a tough line to make. But it is much harder to leave an abusive relationship when you have no where to turn when you leave.... for that reason I don't really think tough love works for someone being abused, like it does say for drug addiction.

    I don't think you should take abuse from Kat. If she is abusive to you I would walk away in the moment and just not deal with her at that moment at all.

    As far as calling her back, I think you need to decide what feels right to you. I think in your shoes I would wait a bit until I was feeling less angry. In our case I did keep in touch with our son and I would answer his calls or call him back. If he got abusive then I would hang up. Yet I wanted to keep the door open both for our relationship and to our help when he was ready for it. Keeping that door open I think was really important in eventually getting him help and into rehab.

    Hope this helps.
     
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    First, unless the signature doesn't in any way match the way it should look on the check............it's really hard to press charges for this sort of thing. Even if it's really off, I'd imagine it would be hard.

    During Nichole's unstable times.....she can be mean and vicious. Not usually to me, but she has done it to me on several occasions. Unstable.......well there are times when her mouth opens and her brain completely shuts off as to what is coming out of it. Depends on her mood, whether up or down what you'll get. During those ever so lovely teen years......I learned to pretty much let that go. What comes out she doesn't mean at all, they're empty words meant to hurt and push you away because she didn't feel like she deserved anyone to care, especially during the down times. Then she'd come back a short time later like all was right with the world......because she had calmed down and level out........and she assumed because she was fine, everyone else should also be fine. This was one of her biggest issues and also one of the hardest to get her to "see".....and eventually to change. Was a lot of tough love going on over that. Uh, no, you don't just scream at me and then ask if I'll do something for you......doesn't work that way. That sort of thing. Hardest part was getting other family members to stand firm and do this with her. ugh

    But always.......I keep the communication open. If she is abusive......nope, I do next to nothing. If she is civil, I will at the very least speak to her. If this was Nichole who wrote the email.....I'd write her back to at least tell her even if the check were forged she's probably wasting her time but to contact the bank to ask. I wouldn't get caught up in the drama of who did what, simply answer the actual question she asked.

    I do this because my mom is the same way when she's unstable. The most vile unthinkable things will spill from her mouth at anyone she has contact with, especially family. She's not at all that way stable, nor does she really mean 99 percent of what she says. If I chose to cut off communication with her for doing it........I'd have stopped speaking to her at like age 4. lol by the way I've had long practice doing this with my mom before I ever had to do it with my child.

    I can do this because I would never be in danger from Nichole and I know it. I can handle a few empty words thrown at me and ignore them to look at what the real issue is. Lots of practice. And I'd much rather keep the communication going........even when she was at her worst.......to keep at least one door open to her for help if she needed someone to turn to.

    But that is just me. We all have to decide where are line in the sand is. (these are sometimes movable depending on the situation, which is why it's sand) We all have to decide what we can/can't live with.

    You might read the book Stop Walking on Egg Shells. Good book. Helped me tons to get a grasp on how my child's brain was working...or not working. lol

    Hugs
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    This is a tough one for me to comment on because my difficult child has never been abusive to me. I have to believe that if he was it would totally change what I would and wouldn't do for him. You have to follow your gut instinct though. That is what I always do, whether it ends up right or wrong, it's what I'm comfortable with.
     
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