Transparent
New Member
First of all, "hello". I've been researching the web late nights for the last month, trying to find answers. I'm exhausted now as I type, so please forgive me any misspellings - I get the feeling however that most here are tired most of the time as well. You have my heartfelt sympathies. I just couldn't go to bed tonight without starting in by telling you all how thankful I am to have found such a landing spot with such a plethora of information and most importantly - moms like me! What a Godsend.
My story is long but I will try to keep it as brief and to the point as possible.
I met my husband 4 years ago - he was a widower, single dad of a darling 6 year old boy. I myself was divorced and had an (at the time) 9 year old DS. The boys got along great - as did my husband and I.
It took all of 2 weeks for me to see that something about my future SS wasn't quite right. I explained it away to the death of his mother and moved on. However, the behavior never changed, even with lectures and disciplines such as removing games from his room and grounding him from going outside. His behavior extremes were up and down and at times off the scale, in my opinion - saying things to my DS like "I'm going to kill you so that you can go to hell and burn with the devil". When he's 6? He used his mother's death as an excuse, alibi and tool to get what he wanted and he still does with those that let him get away with it. How does one learn such an extreme form of manipulation at such a young age?
I expressed a deep concern at the time to my husband that I felt my DSS needed therapy. We enrolled him with a counselor who felt that his behavior was related to the death of his mother and being moved out of his familiar community and in with a new family. They figured he just needed time to adjust. Life went on and so did the behaviors. He's still a chronic bed wetter with no medical reason for it.
He's one that always has to be "first". First to turn in his homework, first to finish a test, first in line for lunch, recess, bathroom, etc. And if he's not first, he will shove other children out of the way to get there. In one instance during a fire drill, the teacher instructed the last child in the line to close the door on the way out of the room. Disappointed and angry at being first now instead of this "special" child at the end of the line, he dropped back. Once everyone was out of the room, he closed and locked the door and bullied the other child who was supposed to have closed the door. He was later caught by a teacher making a "final sweep" of the halls. When asked "what if there had been a real fire and you or this other child had been killed" - he showed no remorse, only saying "I don't know" and shrugging his shoulders.
I've talked extensively to no avail. The child that used to roll his eyes at me when I tried to reason with him now only looks at me with dark cold eyes and it's as if he looks right through me - not to see me from the inside - but as if I'm not even there. He hears me, but he doesn't listen to me. He treats my husband the same way. I've tried for four years to get close to my DSS but he won't let me.
He refers to our daughter, his half sister as "the little girl that lives in my house". He never interacts with her, never intervenes - even when she does something that could harm herself (climbing up to the Christmas tree, trying to climb the bookcases) he just sits and watches. Otherwise, he acts as if she doesn't exist. He argues and fights with my DS over the smallest of things. Not just your typical sibling rivalry/banter - but he seems to instigate just to feed off of it. He aims knives at my DS and has threatened more than once to "stab" him. After being lectured over the dangers of threats, even empty ones, he goes to school and threatens to stab one student and then tells another he will "go get a gun and come back and shoot" another.
He then spent time as a patient in the hospital where they tried to teach him anger management and prescribed celexa 10mg once a day for depression. This was over the Thanksgiving holiday. 10 days later he's threatening to shoot another kid at school (a girl this time) and he hit another girl in the head. He's back in the hospital.
Last week I found a book online that I see is mentioned here - "Before It's Too Late". It should be arriving at the first of the week. I just can't seem to get enough information. He's only been diagnosed with depression but my gut tells me there's more. This child shows no remorse - only that he gets caught. When asked if he feels bad for the children he threatened at school his answer is "no". "They aggravate me on a daily basis". Nothing is ever his fault - ever. He's even compared himself to God. He says he does nothing wrong. He makes straight A's in school most of the time. When his grade falls below an A he has outbursts "I'm ___ and I don't make bad grades, I don't make below an A because I'm ___ and I'm better than this!!" His latest B was my fault because I told him that school wasn't always going to seem so easy - that he would have to work a bit harder to keep his A's. I "made him nervous and forced his B grade". *sigh*
I'm stumped. I don't know what to do next. He's going to be coming home in a few days and I hope things won't go back the way they were. I'm hopeful of course, but guarded and also realistic. Deep down I don't believe his behavior is going to be changing any time soon. I just don't want it to get any worse! I'm afraid his hospital stays are for nothing - except the attention he seems to crave. He didn't even get to see his counselor before he had to go back to the hospital! The hospital can't believe he doesn't have a juvenile officer and I can't believe the school lets him continue to attend classes.
Thank you if you even read half of all of that. Unfortunately, it doesn't even touch the surface - just gives an idea and highlights some strong points.
God help us.
My story is long but I will try to keep it as brief and to the point as possible.
I met my husband 4 years ago - he was a widower, single dad of a darling 6 year old boy. I myself was divorced and had an (at the time) 9 year old DS. The boys got along great - as did my husband and I.
It took all of 2 weeks for me to see that something about my future SS wasn't quite right. I explained it away to the death of his mother and moved on. However, the behavior never changed, even with lectures and disciplines such as removing games from his room and grounding him from going outside. His behavior extremes were up and down and at times off the scale, in my opinion - saying things to my DS like "I'm going to kill you so that you can go to hell and burn with the devil". When he's 6? He used his mother's death as an excuse, alibi and tool to get what he wanted and he still does with those that let him get away with it. How does one learn such an extreme form of manipulation at such a young age?
I expressed a deep concern at the time to my husband that I felt my DSS needed therapy. We enrolled him with a counselor who felt that his behavior was related to the death of his mother and being moved out of his familiar community and in with a new family. They figured he just needed time to adjust. Life went on and so did the behaviors. He's still a chronic bed wetter with no medical reason for it.
He's one that always has to be "first". First to turn in his homework, first to finish a test, first in line for lunch, recess, bathroom, etc. And if he's not first, he will shove other children out of the way to get there. In one instance during a fire drill, the teacher instructed the last child in the line to close the door on the way out of the room. Disappointed and angry at being first now instead of this "special" child at the end of the line, he dropped back. Once everyone was out of the room, he closed and locked the door and bullied the other child who was supposed to have closed the door. He was later caught by a teacher making a "final sweep" of the halls. When asked "what if there had been a real fire and you or this other child had been killed" - he showed no remorse, only saying "I don't know" and shrugging his shoulders.
I've talked extensively to no avail. The child that used to roll his eyes at me when I tried to reason with him now only looks at me with dark cold eyes and it's as if he looks right through me - not to see me from the inside - but as if I'm not even there. He hears me, but he doesn't listen to me. He treats my husband the same way. I've tried for four years to get close to my DSS but he won't let me.
He refers to our daughter, his half sister as "the little girl that lives in my house". He never interacts with her, never intervenes - even when she does something that could harm herself (climbing up to the Christmas tree, trying to climb the bookcases) he just sits and watches. Otherwise, he acts as if she doesn't exist. He argues and fights with my DS over the smallest of things. Not just your typical sibling rivalry/banter - but he seems to instigate just to feed off of it. He aims knives at my DS and has threatened more than once to "stab" him. After being lectured over the dangers of threats, even empty ones, he goes to school and threatens to stab one student and then tells another he will "go get a gun and come back and shoot" another.
He then spent time as a patient in the hospital where they tried to teach him anger management and prescribed celexa 10mg once a day for depression. This was over the Thanksgiving holiday. 10 days later he's threatening to shoot another kid at school (a girl this time) and he hit another girl in the head. He's back in the hospital.
Last week I found a book online that I see is mentioned here - "Before It's Too Late". It should be arriving at the first of the week. I just can't seem to get enough information. He's only been diagnosed with depression but my gut tells me there's more. This child shows no remorse - only that he gets caught. When asked if he feels bad for the children he threatened at school his answer is "no". "They aggravate me on a daily basis". Nothing is ever his fault - ever. He's even compared himself to God. He says he does nothing wrong. He makes straight A's in school most of the time. When his grade falls below an A he has outbursts "I'm ___ and I don't make bad grades, I don't make below an A because I'm ___ and I'm better than this!!" His latest B was my fault because I told him that school wasn't always going to seem so easy - that he would have to work a bit harder to keep his A's. I "made him nervous and forced his B grade". *sigh*
I'm stumped. I don't know what to do next. He's going to be coming home in a few days and I hope things won't go back the way they were. I'm hopeful of course, but guarded and also realistic. Deep down I don't believe his behavior is going to be changing any time soon. I just don't want it to get any worse! I'm afraid his hospital stays are for nothing - except the attention he seems to crave. He didn't even get to see his counselor before he had to go back to the hospital! The hospital can't believe he doesn't have a juvenile officer and I can't believe the school lets him continue to attend classes.
Thank you if you even read half of all of that. Unfortunately, it doesn't even touch the surface - just gives an idea and highlights some strong points.
God help us.
