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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 191274" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Corrina, I don't think you've overstepped. Your friend sounded really worried when she rang you and like any good friend, you put your thinking cap on and checked out whatever you could think of - and found us.</p><p></p><p>We can't tell you what could be wrong with your friend's daughter, but we can provide support for her and maybe another shoulder. I also found this mob gave me the confidence and the backbone to make the changes I needed to, for my kids. My youngest, especially.</p><p></p><p>If you think she would be open to it, get your friend to come to this site and read the various posts and threads. It could be the help she needs.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to accept that there could be a problem (serious or otherwise) with your firstborn. Denial or complacency is easier, because ten you can keep telling yourself that it's nothing really, it will all sort itself out. </p><p></p><p>If there really IS nothing wrong, then it won't hurt to make sure. by getting it checked out. And if there IS something wrong, then the sooner you find out, the better. With any problem like this, if there is a treatment then the sooner it is begun, the better for the child and for the parents.</p><p></p><p>As far as behaviour problems are concerned (if that is all it is) there is a book we recommend (along with others) called "The Explosive Child". It's by Ross Greene. A really helpful book. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum, especially how to adapt it to very young children.</p><p>But one of the important things that can really help, is to try to get inside the child's head, to see if you can work out why she does what she does. And it sounds to me like that is the problem right now - your friend is at a loss there.</p><p></p><p>A child who is "fine at school" - yes, it happens. Sometimes it's because the child puts in a supreme effort to stay on track at school. Sometimes it's because school is thoroughly organised, timetabled and predictable, she knows what to expect. And sometimes it's because the teachers haven't noticed, she's just one more kid lost in the crowd. Also, sometimes kids who need to let their hair down at some point in their day will do it at home with the people who they know love them, where they feel safe.</p><p></p><p>SRL is right to suggest the possibility that there could be some problems for the child, with sensory issues. There can be many ways this can manifest - maybe a child is slow in toilet training (or conversely, extra fast). The child could be fussy about what she wears based on how the clothing feels. My girls refused to wear anything made form wool because they felt it was scratchy. I remember having the same problem when I was a kid, I hated the prickly feel you get with wool clothing.</p><p>difficult child 1 hated some of his shirts because the sewn-in label would feel scratchy and he was so distracted by it he couldn't concentrate on anything else. I had to remove the labels for him, but I couldn't just cut them out, because that would also leave a stub that would rub unpleasantly.</p><p>Another facet of sensory issues - difficult child 1 would hate to change his clothes. Still does. difficult child 3 - same. I won't remove their clothes from their backs, they have to dress and undress (at their ages!) but it does distress me that when I do all the washing for a week, I don't get ANY underpants from either of them in the wash. OK, these days I do get difficult child 1's undies in the wash, but I have to remind difficult child 3. But then, I have to remind difficult child 3 to change his clothes.</p><p>I remember raiding difficult child 1's bedroom and stripping his bed to wash EVERYTHING. I washed the sheets, the blankets, the pyjamas (or what he wore that passed for pyjamas) and all associated items. By the time he came home the bed had been re-made and all the clothing was clean, dry and folded on his bed. He complained - he said he would never get to sleep, because it didn't smell right any more, I had washed all the familiar smell out of it and 'clean' was too distracting. Not that it had smelled bad - surprisingly, it hadn't.</p><p>He still has this problem - he likes his clothing to feel very soft and to smell familiar. New clothes are a problem (for difficult child 3 as well) so I always used to shop for them at op-shops - pre-loved, pre-softened clothes.</p><p>Food is a problem also for difficult child 3 - creamy textures are a problem.</p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 - she can't cope with textures that AREN'T creamy; anything with 'bits' in, she won't eat.</p><p>With all three of the younger ones - they would worry at any break in skin, hole in clothing or frayed bit. With difficult child 3 it is extreme, I often have to cover up any break in the skin with a plaster of sorts, to keep his fingers from making the problem worse.</p><p></p><p>Sensory issues can be a facet of any one of a number of conditions. It can also be something someone has a trace of, within the spectrum of what is considered 'normality'. But an evaluation will either set the mother's mind at rest, or pinpoint something which can then be dealt with.</p><p></p><p>We cover all age ranges on this site. You posted initially on the Early Childhood forum which was not quite the right age range, but over here on General we can help. The other forums are good for different areas of our issues with our offspring.</p><p></p><p>Your friend says she wants to wait until after her holiday - I suspect she is finding the thought of having to DO something, a bit confronting at the moment. It really shouldn't be difficult to at least make a few appointments before she leaves. There can often be waiting lists, and for an initial consult with someone, it's highly likely that she would have to wait months anyway. The sooner she puts the child's name down, the sooner they get to the head of the waiting list.</p><p></p><p>A strong suggestion for you - don't do too much for her yourself. Your friend has to do this. SHE has to make the firm decision to either do something, or to choose to NOT do something. Just letting things hand is part of pretending there's not a problem. Chances are, this is what she has been doing for some time now.</p><p></p><p>If you do something to force your friend's hand, then it's not her decision and she doesn't have to own it. She could 'change her mind' and leave you standing there with egg on your face. So be there to listen, let your friend talk, but make HER make the decisions. Then it should be easier to help her stay on track.</p><p></p><p>Good on you for caring. We all need our friends.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 191274, member: 1991"] Corrina, I don't think you've overstepped. Your friend sounded really worried when she rang you and like any good friend, you put your thinking cap on and checked out whatever you could think of - and found us. We can't tell you what could be wrong with your friend's daughter, but we can provide support for her and maybe another shoulder. I also found this mob gave me the confidence and the backbone to make the changes I needed to, for my kids. My youngest, especially. If you think she would be open to it, get your friend to come to this site and read the various posts and threads. It could be the help she needs. It is very hard to accept that there could be a problem (serious or otherwise) with your firstborn. Denial or complacency is easier, because ten you can keep telling yourself that it's nothing really, it will all sort itself out. If there really IS nothing wrong, then it won't hurt to make sure. by getting it checked out. And if there IS something wrong, then the sooner you find out, the better. With any problem like this, if there is a treatment then the sooner it is begun, the better for the child and for the parents. As far as behaviour problems are concerned (if that is all it is) there is a book we recommend (along with others) called "The Explosive Child". It's by Ross Greene. A really helpful book. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum, especially how to adapt it to very young children. But one of the important things that can really help, is to try to get inside the child's head, to see if you can work out why she does what she does. And it sounds to me like that is the problem right now - your friend is at a loss there. A child who is "fine at school" - yes, it happens. Sometimes it's because the child puts in a supreme effort to stay on track at school. Sometimes it's because school is thoroughly organised, timetabled and predictable, she knows what to expect. And sometimes it's because the teachers haven't noticed, she's just one more kid lost in the crowd. Also, sometimes kids who need to let their hair down at some point in their day will do it at home with the people who they know love them, where they feel safe. SRL is right to suggest the possibility that there could be some problems for the child, with sensory issues. There can be many ways this can manifest - maybe a child is slow in toilet training (or conversely, extra fast). The child could be fussy about what she wears based on how the clothing feels. My girls refused to wear anything made form wool because they felt it was scratchy. I remember having the same problem when I was a kid, I hated the prickly feel you get with wool clothing. difficult child 1 hated some of his shirts because the sewn-in label would feel scratchy and he was so distracted by it he couldn't concentrate on anything else. I had to remove the labels for him, but I couldn't just cut them out, because that would also leave a stub that would rub unpleasantly. Another facet of sensory issues - difficult child 1 would hate to change his clothes. Still does. difficult child 3 - same. I won't remove their clothes from their backs, they have to dress and undress (at their ages!) but it does distress me that when I do all the washing for a week, I don't get ANY underpants from either of them in the wash. OK, these days I do get difficult child 1's undies in the wash, but I have to remind difficult child 3. But then, I have to remind difficult child 3 to change his clothes. I remember raiding difficult child 1's bedroom and stripping his bed to wash EVERYTHING. I washed the sheets, the blankets, the pyjamas (or what he wore that passed for pyjamas) and all associated items. By the time he came home the bed had been re-made and all the clothing was clean, dry and folded on his bed. He complained - he said he would never get to sleep, because it didn't smell right any more, I had washed all the familiar smell out of it and 'clean' was too distracting. Not that it had smelled bad - surprisingly, it hadn't. He still has this problem - he likes his clothing to feel very soft and to smell familiar. New clothes are a problem (for difficult child 3 as well) so I always used to shop for them at op-shops - pre-loved, pre-softened clothes. Food is a problem also for difficult child 3 - creamy textures are a problem. easy child 2/difficult child 2 - she can't cope with textures that AREN'T creamy; anything with 'bits' in, she won't eat. With all three of the younger ones - they would worry at any break in skin, hole in clothing or frayed bit. With difficult child 3 it is extreme, I often have to cover up any break in the skin with a plaster of sorts, to keep his fingers from making the problem worse. Sensory issues can be a facet of any one of a number of conditions. It can also be something someone has a trace of, within the spectrum of what is considered 'normality'. But an evaluation will either set the mother's mind at rest, or pinpoint something which can then be dealt with. We cover all age ranges on this site. You posted initially on the Early Childhood forum which was not quite the right age range, but over here on General we can help. The other forums are good for different areas of our issues with our offspring. Your friend says she wants to wait until after her holiday - I suspect she is finding the thought of having to DO something, a bit confronting at the moment. It really shouldn't be difficult to at least make a few appointments before she leaves. There can often be waiting lists, and for an initial consult with someone, it's highly likely that she would have to wait months anyway. The sooner she puts the child's name down, the sooner they get to the head of the waiting list. A strong suggestion for you - don't do too much for her yourself. Your friend has to do this. SHE has to make the firm decision to either do something, or to choose to NOT do something. Just letting things hand is part of pretending there's not a problem. Chances are, this is what she has been doing for some time now. If you do something to force your friend's hand, then it's not her decision and she doesn't have to own it. She could 'change her mind' and leave you standing there with egg on your face. So be there to listen, let your friend talk, but make HER make the decisions. Then it should be easier to help her stay on track. Good on you for caring. We all need our friends. Marg [/QUOTE]
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