Biddy, since there are other children involved, I would not take him back. The molested children can speak up. Sadly, these are some of the risks we take when we adopt children who have been so traumatized that some can never be helped. And if he can, it should not in my opinion be in her home where he can continue to traumatize the rest of the family. Trust me, he has done more than she knows...and what she knows is bad enough. And SHE is liable.
Maybe foster care with a couple who is motivated and has no pets or children?
I agree, that would be my choice too. I'm just responding to what she is saying her decision.... I too worry that there is a bigger risk that she wont get to adopt the two if he stays in the home placement (unlike what the sw's arethreatening). I think (just a thought, not fact of course) they are manipulating her to take him home with this emotional threat now, but worry that in reality they are mandated reporters and have an obligation to tell the adoption workers too about the risk to these other kids. I'd ask, so you mean if I take him home the adoption will FOR SURE go through???? Not that that is a reason to take him home but to see what their real position is.
A risk of a lifetime of trauma for all of them if they have to worry about animals being tortured and dying in front of them, of dealing with their own threats of being hurt or killed and the abuse... versus a different risk of saying goodbye to pets and maybe even having to place the other two with a different loving family???? If (and he may have) he has hurt the two....as MWM said, they may be better off if they can be in a safer home setting, which would be hard in other ways ---they already lost their mom and this isnt just a stranger adoption...they are bonded due to their mom being a best friend. Could there be a placement like an open adoption so the bond could continue on an auntie level?
I agree with all you say, MWM, just too many risks. But what to do if Tonya and her husband decide that is not the choice for them? Tonya, you said they (SW's) already said that it would interfere with the adoption of the two if you refuse to take him home or place him out of home. But similar to what Lia said and what makes more sense to me (and this just happened here to a family who refused to take their son home, but the judge then said they had to, and cps charged them for abandonment AND said when he came home they would still take the little ones if the older one hurt them......so they put these parents in a no win situation)... I'd think the risk really is of losing all of the kids (AND the animals if someone (police or social worker) calls the ASPCA or humane society).
The family in our county's case decided to place him, not bring him home, they are charged but protecting their kids, he was forced to come home (or they were going to be put in jail, and mom is ill and also has a broken arm from her difficult child) and sure enough, he got in trouble and is back in the system as the parents said would happen without help. The little ones are still at home, the parents called them on the threat against them and refused to take their difficult child home as long as they could. Then agreed to call the police and support charges against him to keep him out, but the first time (the broken arm) the police lied to her and said they couldn't press charges against their own disabled son. She got legal advice after that.
To the point of not knowing all he has done (I agree, it is most certainly way more than is known yet...) until he is gone, the kids may not tell until they no longer feel he such a direct threat...could it be that the kids ultimately would be relieved if the animals left? (not that this would be their first choice of course) Even if they love them, and because they love them, they would be sad, resentful..yes, but they have to know what difficult child does to them right? They must suffer anxiety,other resentful feelings and concern that he will hurt more of them. Maybe you can consider whether the risk of that (and probably the eventual reality) would be worse than what they will go through if the animals are re-homed. (If you decide he has to come home, can you find fosters for the animals?? then get them back when he is placed?)
It is awful to have to make huge decisions that go against our dreams for our families. I have not had to make a decision this big so just can't speak to that. I do have to consider protecting my son from himself though and that is another consideration. Overcoming doing such awful things is a terrible thing (for those who do feel to any degree....badly for what they did, yours may not but no way to fully know yet). We also need to protect our kids from themselves when they are so disabled.
I think MWM's idea of foster care for difficult child with prepared parents who have no pets or children (or easy access to that nearby too??) could be a good choice if it is available. But I hear you are hesitant because you are worried you wont be able to adopt the others if you place him..again, think of what will happen if you dont and it turns out they already are or become victims....
If you listen to MWM though, she has a really hard but honest point to consider...not saying this is for sure your answer....but I'd consult with professionals on this, your friend's children may be better off if you can help them find placement in a family where they wont be at risk. It is not that I dont think YOU are not good for them. I had to refuse another placement due to my son's situation....my dream of more than one child was gone when I realized the level of care my son needed. It was different than your situation because I didn't know him and he did not know of me, I do understand your situation is full of pros and cons, so consulting a child professional would be best, and being really honest within yourself about what is safest for the kids. Until you ask you dont know...there may be an option for an open adoption arrangement. So you can keep in touch and they wont lose another important person after the loss of their mom.
May I ask, (as always you dont have to respond) do you talk to them all directly about the fact that difficult child does these things and what to do if he does, no matter what he says?? Have you had them all assessed for trauma and abuse? (I know it might not matter still, as mwm says, they can be so afraid they may not tell) Just wondering how one would even approach that likely possibility. MWM has said there is so much she didn't know until her son was out of the home, she knows what it is like. lia knows what it is like to have the child at risk of abusing stay,then placing him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and later of having him come back....Again I know it is hard, well I can't possibly really KNOW, but I'd listen to them strongly because they have been beyond the point where you are and can help predict where it might go. They know what regrets you may experience.
You are here, so clearly you do want to face the hard choices, but it can't be easy. Sorry for your broken heart.
