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General Parenting
new and in need of advice please ( sorry -long)
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 230397" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok, ok. Welcome aboard. I am going to be blunt. Your husband is going to chose his son over you. Ok, here's my other thoughts. Please don't take offense. My first thought is that you are getting into power struggles with DSS that aren't necessary. Here goes the rest:</p><p></p><p>It sound like you have a very confrontational relationship with this young teenager. You give him an absolute and he talks back (common at his age). Then you draw the line in the sand again and he crosses it. There seems to be a lack of understanding or mutual respect. Maybe DSS can't do the school work without help and that's why his grades fell when you withdrew your help. Maybe he has a learning disability or ADHD orsomething else. Has he ever been tested? If not, I recommend a neuropsychologist evaluation.</p><p></p><p>This child is going through a lot. It's not fun to be a kid and have Dad remarry and kids often act out against it. I know because I remarried and my kids hated it and rebelled against hub's authority. So we decided *I* would do the parenting with d-ex and he'd just kind of be there as a friend and helpmate. Things got a lot better after that. You aren't this boy's mother. </p><p></p><p>I really think this will never be resolved without serious family counseling. You sound very negative about your DSS and unwilling to look at yourself as possibly being too rigid. I don't know you, of course, but you do sound like you could be. I've raised five kids and if a 14 year old was at Grandmas (as opposed to at a mall with his buddies) and he called me late, it wouldn't be any big deal to me. I'd call HIM. I'd guess, "He got caught up with his cousin and he forgot." I'm easygoing that way and it works pretty well because teens ARE spacey and all about themselves, even the best of them. All of my kids were a bit mouthy and forgetful at his age. You knew where he was and that he wasn't in danger so to me I don't see the big deal, especially if husband was ok with it.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion besides counseling would be to let husband do the parenting since it is his child, and you don't really sound as if you are liking him too much right now. Also, I don't think stepparents should have equal say so in parenting a child (that may not be a popular opinion, but the kids have enough on their plate having to adjust to Mom or Dad's new spouse--they can really grow to resent a stepparent who tries to take the place of a father or a mother). My hub is still good friends with my now grown kids, but he never did parent them. If I had an issue, I called my ex. My kids really responded well to that. They were much better behaved after hub stopped trying to parent my kids, a big and welcome surprise!</p><p></p><p>Anyhoooo, others will come along. I hope you can salvage the marriage, but I see lots of blame on all fronts, including yours. I usually speak my mind so I hope there's no offense taken <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 230397, member: 1550"] Ok, ok. Welcome aboard. I am going to be blunt. Your husband is going to chose his son over you. Ok, here's my other thoughts. Please don't take offense. My first thought is that you are getting into power struggles with DSS that aren't necessary. Here goes the rest: It sound like you have a very confrontational relationship with this young teenager. You give him an absolute and he talks back (common at his age). Then you draw the line in the sand again and he crosses it. There seems to be a lack of understanding or mutual respect. Maybe DSS can't do the school work without help and that's why his grades fell when you withdrew your help. Maybe he has a learning disability or ADHD orsomething else. Has he ever been tested? If not, I recommend a neuropsychologist evaluation. This child is going through a lot. It's not fun to be a kid and have Dad remarry and kids often act out against it. I know because I remarried and my kids hated it and rebelled against hub's authority. So we decided *I* would do the parenting with d-ex and he'd just kind of be there as a friend and helpmate. Things got a lot better after that. You aren't this boy's mother. I really think this will never be resolved without serious family counseling. You sound very negative about your DSS and unwilling to look at yourself as possibly being too rigid. I don't know you, of course, but you do sound like you could be. I've raised five kids and if a 14 year old was at Grandmas (as opposed to at a mall with his buddies) and he called me late, it wouldn't be any big deal to me. I'd call HIM. I'd guess, "He got caught up with his cousin and he forgot." I'm easygoing that way and it works pretty well because teens ARE spacey and all about themselves, even the best of them. All of my kids were a bit mouthy and forgetful at his age. You knew where he was and that he wasn't in danger so to me I don't see the big deal, especially if husband was ok with it. My suggestion besides counseling would be to let husband do the parenting since it is his child, and you don't really sound as if you are liking him too much right now. Also, I don't think stepparents should have equal say so in parenting a child (that may not be a popular opinion, but the kids have enough on their plate having to adjust to Mom or Dad's new spouse--they can really grow to resent a stepparent who tries to take the place of a father or a mother). My hub is still good friends with my now grown kids, but he never did parent them. If I had an issue, I called my ex. My kids really responded well to that. They were much better behaved after hub stopped trying to parent my kids, a big and welcome surprise! Anyhoooo, others will come along. I hope you can salvage the marriage, but I see lots of blame on all fronts, including yours. I usually speak my mind so I hope there's no offense taken ;) [/QUOTE]
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