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new and in need of advice please ( sorry -long)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 230493" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, tunaq.</p><p></p><p>I"m sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us. I understand a lot of what MWM was saying, she is right, BUT - you have found yourself being handed the role of caring parent to this boy, your husband let you do a great deal, the mother handed him over to you - and NOW you're dealing with "But she's only the stepmother"? It's not fair, it really isn't. But MWM is right, when the chips are down, the stepmother has to step back. Not fair, after all you've done. But unfortunately, right. For the moment.</p><p></p><p>I think that is what has caused a lot of the problem. The boy, by rights, is his father's problem and not yours. You should be able to enjoy the good times with him as you have, but his father should also be doing this. PLaying games with him - that is a really good thing. If you can, you need to do this too. Not easy, with t he baby crawling everywhere.</p><p></p><p>You need to learn to pick your battles and to not engage in a battle that you are not likely to win. This is general advice to parents of difficult children especially in the early stages, so it's very useful for you on so many levels.</p><p></p><p>A good book to get your hands on is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's an easy read (the third edition - I'm currently going through it and loving it, even though I just about had the 2nd edition memorised). </p><p></p><p>I think a lot of the problems you're having with the boy, are complex. Your manner to him, while appropriate for a easy child, is probably making him worse because of many other issues not yet properly assessed/diagnosed (the book will help you here). You're using guilt a lot and this probably is dropping his self-esteem. </p><p></p><p>About tidying his room - my views on this are maybe controversial, but I think he needs to have total control here. If his room is a pit, so be it. The door needs Occupational Therapist (OT) be shut so his sister can't get in, but otherwise - it's HIS room. Of course, this means that YOU don't go in to clean, to vacuum, to collect dirty clothes, so HE has to be responsible for getting his clothes to the laundrtry, andf then back from the laundry and away. But otherwise - leave the room.</p><p></p><p>About the knife collection - suggest he have a rack, high up hanging from the wall. Or a shelf by his bed. It's what we did with difficult child 1's knife/sword collection. And some of them are scary! In our state, knives are not permitted to be sold to anyone under the age of 15. They can't even buy plastic cutlery! I would suggest sharing this knowledge with him, so he can understand that knife ownership brings some responsibility. That also includes learning to take good care of knives. Maybe his dad could show him how to properly care for blades? Perhaps start with the kitchen knives, make sure they're kept sharp, no nicked edges, well-tended so they're good tools. Then there are the workshop tools. It's bloke stuff, positive education in "man" ways.</p><p></p><p>Tunaq, you sound like a wonderful, loving, caring, stepmother. It also sounds like the boundary lines have been re-drawn on you, and nobody bothered to tell you. As the stepmother you do need to be the hero here, to be the one to take the first step back. But that doesn't mean you can't be te cagalyst for family healing.</p><p></p><p>If you can, get your husband to lurk here, it can really help.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 230493, member: 1991"] Welcome, tunaq. I"m sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us. I understand a lot of what MWM was saying, she is right, BUT - you have found yourself being handed the role of caring parent to this boy, your husband let you do a great deal, the mother handed him over to you - and NOW you're dealing with "But she's only the stepmother"? It's not fair, it really isn't. But MWM is right, when the chips are down, the stepmother has to step back. Not fair, after all you've done. But unfortunately, right. For the moment. I think that is what has caused a lot of the problem. The boy, by rights, is his father's problem and not yours. You should be able to enjoy the good times with him as you have, but his father should also be doing this. PLaying games with him - that is a really good thing. If you can, you need to do this too. Not easy, with t he baby crawling everywhere. You need to learn to pick your battles and to not engage in a battle that you are not likely to win. This is general advice to parents of difficult children especially in the early stages, so it's very useful for you on so many levels. A good book to get your hands on is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's an easy read (the third edition - I'm currently going through it and loving it, even though I just about had the 2nd edition memorised). I think a lot of the problems you're having with the boy, are complex. Your manner to him, while appropriate for a easy child, is probably making him worse because of many other issues not yet properly assessed/diagnosed (the book will help you here). You're using guilt a lot and this probably is dropping his self-esteem. About tidying his room - my views on this are maybe controversial, but I think he needs to have total control here. If his room is a pit, so be it. The door needs Occupational Therapist (OT) be shut so his sister can't get in, but otherwise - it's HIS room. Of course, this means that YOU don't go in to clean, to vacuum, to collect dirty clothes, so HE has to be responsible for getting his clothes to the laundrtry, andf then back from the laundry and away. But otherwise - leave the room. About the knife collection - suggest he have a rack, high up hanging from the wall. Or a shelf by his bed. It's what we did with difficult child 1's knife/sword collection. And some of them are scary! In our state, knives are not permitted to be sold to anyone under the age of 15. They can't even buy plastic cutlery! I would suggest sharing this knowledge with him, so he can understand that knife ownership brings some responsibility. That also includes learning to take good care of knives. Maybe his dad could show him how to properly care for blades? Perhaps start with the kitchen knives, make sure they're kept sharp, no nicked edges, well-tended so they're good tools. Then there are the workshop tools. It's bloke stuff, positive education in "man" ways. Tunaq, you sound like a wonderful, loving, caring, stepmother. It also sounds like the boundary lines have been re-drawn on you, and nobody bothered to tell you. As the stepmother you do need to be the hero here, to be the one to take the first step back. But that doesn't mean you can't be te cagalyst for family healing. If you can, get your husband to lurk here, it can really help. Marg [/QUOTE]
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