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new and in need of advice please ( sorry -long)
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<blockquote data-quote="DaveS903" data-source="post: 230676" data-attributes="member: 6571"><p><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">tunaq, I see a lot of myself in your post. I am new here and still learning how to handle life with our difficult child so take these words accordingly!</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">I am a step father to a difficult kid. It appeared to me my wife left most of the handling of the difficult child to me and when the teenage years came along, things went from plain old tough to spiraling downward toward oblivion tough. I set rules, he broke them. I ranted and raved; he ranted and raved right back. I caught all the grief and she got all the love. My wife and I would agree on some sort of plan and I followed through; she let things slide I thought were the ABSOLUTE NEVER TO BE BROKEN RULES of a sane household. In looking back, I got into a "ain't gonna work" cycle of trying to enforce behavior for the sake of enforcing behavior rather than learning to focus on the big picture. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Although my wife and I never argued (other than internally), our marriage broke down due to the constant stress and conflict. One day, my wife announced the marriage was over and that she wanted out. As she put it, she grabbed her kid and ran to her mother's hometown. It hurt, but the time apart gave us both a chance to see things a lot more clearly. I saw how inflexible I had become and she learned the problems did not disappear with me out of the picture (the difficult child was committed for a week to a beahvioral heath center for a rage episode 3 or 4 weeks after the they moved out). A couple of days after she moved out, her mother discovered her cancer had returned and was scheduled for 3 months of chemo therapy. </span></span><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">I am happy to say she has made the 100% commitment to move back after her mother completes the chemo. We still have some things we need to work through, but some time apart allowed us to see things a lot more clearly.</span></span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">As you have discovered, the resistance energy of a teen is astounding! I've had to re-learn parenting 101. One of my biggest breakthroughs came when I spent a Thanksgiving with my best friend and his extended family. His kids are both in gifted and talented programs, Eagle Scout, all state this and that, etc. His perfect son exhibited some the exact same behavior our son did. It helped me see that some of my son's goofy stunts were normal for a teenager.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">At some point, teens enter into the rebellion stage and refuse to learn from parents and have to start figuring out life for themselves. It is like shooting an arrow. You do what you can to get the arrow (the difficult child) pointed in the right direction and provide all the input you can. If you hold a bow drawn back for too long, it starts to wobble and the arrow shakes and it gets very tiring and difficult to hold all that energy back...and eventually you have to let the arrow fly away on its own. End of analogy. lol To me it comes down to a very basic choice - you can try to control through whatever (as you are seeing, its not working out so well) or you can trust him to learn by living life. It is not easy being the parent (step or otherwise) of a teen and it is not easy being a teen! But that's life I suppose.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #0f2637"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Although your family may not be interested in seeing a counselor together, have you considered seeing one alone to work through the issues you can control and more importantly, the ones you can't? It might be worth considering. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DaveS903, post: 230676, member: 6571"] [COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana]tunaq, I see a lot of myself in your post. I am new here and still learning how to handle life with our difficult child so take these words accordingly![/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana]I am a step father to a difficult kid. It appeared to me my wife left most of the handling of the difficult child to me and when the teenage years came along, things went from plain old tough to spiraling downward toward oblivion tough. I set rules, he broke them. I ranted and raved; he ranted and raved right back. I caught all the grief and she got all the love. My wife and I would agree on some sort of plan and I followed through; she let things slide I thought were the ABSOLUTE NEVER TO BE BROKEN RULES of a sane household. In looking back, I got into a "ain't gonna work" cycle of trying to enforce behavior for the sake of enforcing behavior rather than learning to focus on the big picture. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana]Although my wife and I never argued (other than internally), our marriage broke down due to the constant stress and conflict. One day, my wife announced the marriage was over and that she wanted out. As she put it, she grabbed her kid and ran to her mother's hometown. It hurt, but the time apart gave us both a chance to see things a lot more clearly. I saw how inflexible I had become and she learned the problems did not disappear with me out of the picture (the difficult child was committed for a week to a beahvioral heath center for a rage episode 3 or 4 weeks after the they moved out). A couple of days after she moved out, her mother discovered her cancer had returned and was scheduled for 3 months of chemo therapy. [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana]I am happy to say she has made the 100% commitment to move back after her mother completes the chemo. We still have some things we need to work through, but some time apart allowed us to see things a lot more clearly.[/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana]As you have discovered, the resistance energy of a teen is astounding! I've had to re-learn parenting 101. One of my biggest breakthroughs came when I spent a Thanksgiving with my best friend and his extended family. His kids are both in gifted and talented programs, Eagle Scout, all state this and that, etc. His perfect son exhibited some the exact same behavior our son did. It helped me see that some of my son's goofy stunts were normal for a teenager.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana]At some point, teens enter into the rebellion stage and refuse to learn from parents and have to start figuring out life for themselves. It is like shooting an arrow. You do what you can to get the arrow (the difficult child) pointed in the right direction and provide all the input you can. If you hold a bow drawn back for too long, it starts to wobble and the arrow shakes and it gets very tiring and difficult to hold all that energy back...and eventually you have to let the arrow fly away on its own. End of analogy. lol To me it comes down to a very basic choice - you can try to control through whatever (as you are seeing, its not working out so well) or you can trust him to learn by living life. It is not easy being the parent (step or otherwise) of a teen and it is not easy being a teen! But that's life I suppose.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#0f2637][FONT=Verdana]Although your family may not be interested in seeing a counselor together, have you considered seeing one alone to work through the issues you can control and more importantly, the ones you can't? It might be worth considering. [/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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