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new and in need of advice please ( sorry -long)
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<blockquote data-quote="tunaq" data-source="post: 230693" data-attributes="member: 6597"><p>first off thank you to all so far for the advice.</p><p></p><p>so i was trying to think of more to tell you all and i know an edited post originally asked more about DSS's mom. she and husband married when husband graduated in '93. she dropped out of school to get married and her parents willingly allowed her to do this. husband had joined the air force and was soon off to boot camp. in '95 DSS was born. not too long after, things fell apart and they both ended up cheating, then divorcing. around the same time husband and i started dating, she began seeing one her of more recent ex's again. just like the first time they dated, there were major problems. the man threatened DSS one night. DSS was 7 yrs. old and they were stayig at this guys house ( he is raising 3 girls on his own) DSS kept getting out of bed and going to find his mom. this guy hauled him back to the room placed his arm on the edge of the bunk bed and told him " if you get out of bed again, i will break your <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> arm."" DSS did not bother to tell us for some time. after they really began having problems and the ex wife was continually calling my husband to whine about the problems,literally calling 4 and 5 times a day and talking for hours about her problems, husband and a friend of his went and moved the few things she had there out of this guys house. that however, never stopped her calls! even when she was dating other guys, she would call and spend hours on the phone crying to my husband and keeping him up late. it started affecting him as far as work to where he would call in to get sleep or just flat out be late, and i insisted he put a stop to it. finally, within the last couple years, it did. not long after husband and i got married, she finally went and got her GED. i am proud of anybody who goes back to school, but a part of me believes that DSS thinks dropping out is ok. His aunt and uncle are school teachers and his great uncle is a super intendant of schools in arizona, so half of the family is very successful and the other half, well, only 3 have even completed high school. through the entire leaving her ex process, the exwife did make an attempt with DSS, but apparently gave up. she had signed her and him up for counseling and he was tested for all sorts of things but everything came back ok. school tested him for gifted. he excelled in a few areas, but none that really were to me a reason to put him in gifted. it was areas like creativity and music. math and those areas, he was below average. he failed gifted last year and we had him removed from the program. they put him back in it this year without retesting and he is failing, now he is being pulled out of it next semester. the teacher has even e-mailed saying she does not believe he truly belongs in the program.</p><p></p><p>so move to last night. husband and i had agreed a while back that DSS was allowed to cook as long as he cleaned up after himself. well, OVer this past weekend, husband and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and had agreed and he told DDS, all messes will be cleaned up immediately by the person who made them we agreed we had both worked too hard to let it get destroyed or as bad as it was (coffee under the coffee maker from where it spilled over, grease and cheese from husband's omlet that he failed to clean up.) so monday, DSS made himself some eggs before he went to his grandma's house, he left the greasy mess all over. i refused to clean it. yesterday morning, DSS made coffee and let it spill over and left the mess. so after all the strees yesterday, we get home to a mess and DSS was not home. he is supposed to ride the bus meaning he should have been home an hour before us. no call, no note, no nothing. husband calls him on his cell and finds out he walked to his grandma's house. i walked away form the situation until i heard husband hang up, then i made the mistake of walking into the kitchen. i turned to husband and asked him to come in there with me to see the mess. I pointed out neither of us had cooked or made coffee the last couple days and he said he would handle it. i never said anything else besides, " we worked too hard to have it look like this already." i left it at that. DSS came home about 30 minutes later. I dsaid hello and went back to the article i was reading on dysfunctional cognitions in automatic thinking that i found online. husband got out of the shower and went out and told DSS he needed to have some respect and call and let us know his plans so nobody worries and that he had a mess in the kitchen to clean, pointing out the coffee and grease messes. husband asked him to clean it up and then ran up to the gas station. i went in a little bit later to unload the dishwasher and noticed only half the mess had even remotely been touched. husband came back home and walks in the kitchen to hand me a soda he bought me to be nice. (i rarely drink them, and neither does he, so we don't keep it in the house.) he asked what was wrong and i took a deep breath and calmly said, " i am a little upset right now. you told DSS to clean up his messes and he only halfway cleaned the coffee mess and he did not bother to go near the stove. i needed to set a few things on the stove to get them out of my way and had to clean it first so i could use it." husband then called DSS back into the kitchen and asked him why he only halfway cleaned the messes. he said he had forgot. husband then told him i had to finish cleaning his messes up for him so i could have space to do what i needed, and he better thank me for it and not "<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />" it any more or he would lose his cooking privledges.</p><p></p><p>how long this approach will work, i don't know, but for now it is fine.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tunaq, post: 230693, member: 6597"] first off thank you to all so far for the advice. so i was trying to think of more to tell you all and i know an edited post originally asked more about DSS's mom. she and husband married when husband graduated in '93. she dropped out of school to get married and her parents willingly allowed her to do this. husband had joined the air force and was soon off to boot camp. in '95 DSS was born. not too long after, things fell apart and they both ended up cheating, then divorcing. around the same time husband and i started dating, she began seeing one her of more recent ex's again. just like the first time they dated, there were major problems. the man threatened DSS one night. DSS was 7 yrs. old and they were stayig at this guys house ( he is raising 3 girls on his own) DSS kept getting out of bed and going to find his mom. this guy hauled him back to the room placed his arm on the edge of the bunk bed and told him " if you get out of bed again, i will break your :censored2: arm."" DSS did not bother to tell us for some time. after they really began having problems and the ex wife was continually calling my husband to whine about the problems,literally calling 4 and 5 times a day and talking for hours about her problems, husband and a friend of his went and moved the few things she had there out of this guys house. that however, never stopped her calls! even when she was dating other guys, she would call and spend hours on the phone crying to my husband and keeping him up late. it started affecting him as far as work to where he would call in to get sleep or just flat out be late, and i insisted he put a stop to it. finally, within the last couple years, it did. not long after husband and i got married, she finally went and got her GED. i am proud of anybody who goes back to school, but a part of me believes that DSS thinks dropping out is ok. His aunt and uncle are school teachers and his great uncle is a super intendant of schools in arizona, so half of the family is very successful and the other half, well, only 3 have even completed high school. through the entire leaving her ex process, the exwife did make an attempt with DSS, but apparently gave up. she had signed her and him up for counseling and he was tested for all sorts of things but everything came back ok. school tested him for gifted. he excelled in a few areas, but none that really were to me a reason to put him in gifted. it was areas like creativity and music. math and those areas, he was below average. he failed gifted last year and we had him removed from the program. they put him back in it this year without retesting and he is failing, now he is being pulled out of it next semester. the teacher has even e-mailed saying she does not believe he truly belongs in the program. so move to last night. husband and i had agreed a while back that DSS was allowed to cook as long as he cleaned up after himself. well, OVer this past weekend, husband and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and had agreed and he told DDS, all messes will be cleaned up immediately by the person who made them we agreed we had both worked too hard to let it get destroyed or as bad as it was (coffee under the coffee maker from where it spilled over, grease and cheese from husband's omlet that he failed to clean up.) so monday, DSS made himself some eggs before he went to his grandma's house, he left the greasy mess all over. i refused to clean it. yesterday morning, DSS made coffee and let it spill over and left the mess. so after all the strees yesterday, we get home to a mess and DSS was not home. he is supposed to ride the bus meaning he should have been home an hour before us. no call, no note, no nothing. husband calls him on his cell and finds out he walked to his grandma's house. i walked away form the situation until i heard husband hang up, then i made the mistake of walking into the kitchen. i turned to husband and asked him to come in there with me to see the mess. I pointed out neither of us had cooked or made coffee the last couple days and he said he would handle it. i never said anything else besides, " we worked too hard to have it look like this already." i left it at that. DSS came home about 30 minutes later. I dsaid hello and went back to the article i was reading on dysfunctional cognitions in automatic thinking that i found online. husband got out of the shower and went out and told DSS he needed to have some respect and call and let us know his plans so nobody worries and that he had a mess in the kitchen to clean, pointing out the coffee and grease messes. husband asked him to clean it up and then ran up to the gas station. i went in a little bit later to unload the dishwasher and noticed only half the mess had even remotely been touched. husband came back home and walks in the kitchen to hand me a soda he bought me to be nice. (i rarely drink them, and neither does he, so we don't keep it in the house.) he asked what was wrong and i took a deep breath and calmly said, " i am a little upset right now. you told DSS to clean up his messes and he only halfway cleaned the coffee mess and he did not bother to go near the stove. i needed to set a few things on the stove to get them out of my way and had to clean it first so i could use it." husband then called DSS back into the kitchen and asked him why he only halfway cleaned the messes. he said he had forgot. husband then told him i had to finish cleaning his messes up for him so i could have space to do what i needed, and he better thank me for it and not ":censored2:" it any more or he would lose his cooking privledges. how long this approach will work, i don't know, but for now it is fine. [/QUOTE]
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