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new and in need of advice please ( sorry -long)
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<blockquote data-quote="eekysign" data-source="post: 230753" data-attributes="member: 6479"><p>Whoa, now. I politely disagree with this. I can't even explain why, because I disagree so strongly, I can't even understand where you're coming from to make a counter-argument. Could you explain why you don't believe encouraging a child in school is a vital part of raising them? Getting good grades isn't like being tolerant of different people, going to church regularly, or liking polka music. I would think that EVERY child should be encouraged to get good grades....it's not a "value" per se. I just don't "get" ya here, MWM. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I disagree with abandoning tunaq to clean up after her teen stepson. If he's capable of making his own food, he is capable of cleaning up after himself. She shouldn't be responsible for his mess. Neither should his Dad. It may not be the issue, but it's also a habit that shouldn't be neglected as trivial. He's probably testing boundaries, like someone earlier posted. Ignoring his poor decisions is a reward he doesn't deserve. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>A lot of his behaviors are typical teenage boy type actions, too. I do agree that there is something more serious going on (grades, etc show that). But not cleaning up after himself is about as normal teen as you can get. I think every teen would avoid all cleaning if they thought they could get away with it! Letting him ruin your "guest" bathroom was probably an unwise decision, tunaq---you told him to clean it, and instead of leaving it at that, you let him negotiate with you, and now you have a filthy bathroom no one wants to use. Hehe. Generally speaking, I agree that his ROOM should be his to trash, as long as there are occasional health 'n' safety cleanings. But it sounds like you let him have the bathroom to "prove" to him how much effort it takes to keep one clean, and it backfired on you. </p><p></p><p>Tunaq, you guys probably should ask Grandma how he is explaining his constant visits, 'cause I'd bet he's told her why he's not wanting to be home. He's going over there with-o telling you guys first, he's asking her to come get him......sounds like he's using her as an escape from your home. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, personally, I think teens really do need a place to "escape" to. But it'll help you guys if you can hook up with her and find out if she knows what's going on. </p><p></p><p>My other two cents is this: I grew up with two stepparents, both were around from the time I was 4. Functionally, 4 parents in my life as long as I can remember. My stepmom never "parented" me, but she NEVER let me misbehave in ways that affected HER----it was more of a "don't whine, that's rude to all of us", "You poured yourself that drink, so you can go wash the glass in the sink yourself.". She never fussed about homework, behavior in the house, etc---she let my Dad handle all that. But misbehave in public, whine to her, be rude in any way, and I was told on no uncertain terms to knock it off. I didn't like it, but I couldn't argue with her logic. She WASN'T my Mom, so she DIDN'T have to take my ****. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> </p><p></p><p>She was always clear as to how my poor decisions (not turning off the lights, not cleaning up after myself, etc) affected HER (made her pay more electric, made her clean up someone else's mess), and that was something I could understand. As Marg said, she treated me like a roommate she loved very much, but someone old enough to be responsible for my own actions. Because she always phrased it as "How unfair would it be if I made you clean up MY room?", I "got" that it was unfair to expect her to clean up MY stuff. It worked out well for us, at least. We're good friends now. Maybe something to try?</p><p></p><p>My stepdad left me to my Mom for the most part when I was a kid, but once I hit my teens, he came on strong. His two sons were MAJOR difficult children, and I think he was "trying" to make sure I didn't end up like them. He forced every rule, looked disapprovingly at my Mom when she DIDN'T force all the rules (ie, clean up kitchen after dinner, but I'd ask for a break when I had a bit extra homework and she'd always say yes.). We butted heads from the time I was 14 until I left home for college. </p><p></p><p>The point is that you already know that a husband and wife should always be on the same page with parenting. Being the stepparent makes that even more necessary. Your new plan with the hubby sounds good! Encourage him to keep it up if he slacks off. But if he abandons it, you shouldn't be left holding the bag. You care for your stepson, and that's awesome. As some of the others said, back off a little and allow him to start liking you again, as a person, not as the disciplinarian of the house. Let (force?! ) your husband take over that role. And cross your fingers. I wish you all kinds of good luck! <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="eekysign, post: 230753, member: 6479"] Whoa, now. I politely disagree with this. I can't even explain why, because I disagree so strongly, I can't even understand where you're coming from to make a counter-argument. Could you explain why you don't believe encouraging a child in school is a vital part of raising them? Getting good grades isn't like being tolerant of different people, going to church regularly, or liking polka music. I would think that EVERY child should be encouraged to get good grades....it's not a "value" per se. I just don't "get" ya here, MWM. I disagree with abandoning tunaq to clean up after her teen stepson. If he's capable of making his own food, he is capable of cleaning up after himself. She shouldn't be responsible for his mess. Neither should his Dad. It may not be the issue, but it's also a habit that shouldn't be neglected as trivial. He's probably testing boundaries, like someone earlier posted. Ignoring his poor decisions is a reward he doesn't deserve. ;) A lot of his behaviors are typical teenage boy type actions, too. I do agree that there is something more serious going on (grades, etc show that). But not cleaning up after himself is about as normal teen as you can get. I think every teen would avoid all cleaning if they thought they could get away with it! Letting him ruin your "guest" bathroom was probably an unwise decision, tunaq---you told him to clean it, and instead of leaving it at that, you let him negotiate with you, and now you have a filthy bathroom no one wants to use. Hehe. Generally speaking, I agree that his ROOM should be his to trash, as long as there are occasional health 'n' safety cleanings. But it sounds like you let him have the bathroom to "prove" to him how much effort it takes to keep one clean, and it backfired on you. Tunaq, you guys probably should ask Grandma how he is explaining his constant visits, 'cause I'd bet he's told her why he's not wanting to be home. He's going over there with-o telling you guys first, he's asking her to come get him......sounds like he's using her as an escape from your home. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, personally, I think teens really do need a place to "escape" to. But it'll help you guys if you can hook up with her and find out if she knows what's going on. My other two cents is this: I grew up with two stepparents, both were around from the time I was 4. Functionally, 4 parents in my life as long as I can remember. My stepmom never "parented" me, but she NEVER let me misbehave in ways that affected HER----it was more of a "don't whine, that's rude to all of us", "You poured yourself that drink, so you can go wash the glass in the sink yourself.". She never fussed about homework, behavior in the house, etc---she let my Dad handle all that. But misbehave in public, whine to her, be rude in any way, and I was told on no uncertain terms to knock it off. I didn't like it, but I couldn't argue with her logic. She WASN'T my Mom, so she DIDN'T have to take my ****. ;) She was always clear as to how my poor decisions (not turning off the lights, not cleaning up after myself, etc) affected HER (made her pay more electric, made her clean up someone else's mess), and that was something I could understand. As Marg said, she treated me like a roommate she loved very much, but someone old enough to be responsible for my own actions. Because she always phrased it as "How unfair would it be if I made you clean up MY room?", I "got" that it was unfair to expect her to clean up MY stuff. It worked out well for us, at least. We're good friends now. Maybe something to try? My stepdad left me to my Mom for the most part when I was a kid, but once I hit my teens, he came on strong. His two sons were MAJOR difficult children, and I think he was "trying" to make sure I didn't end up like them. He forced every rule, looked disapprovingly at my Mom when she DIDN'T force all the rules (ie, clean up kitchen after dinner, but I'd ask for a break when I had a bit extra homework and she'd always say yes.). We butted heads from the time I was 14 until I left home for college. The point is that you already know that a husband and wife should always be on the same page with parenting. Being the stepparent makes that even more necessary. Your new plan with the hubby sounds good! Encourage him to keep it up if he slacks off. But if he abandons it, you shouldn't be left holding the bag. You care for your stepson, and that's awesome. As some of the others said, back off a little and allow him to start liking you again, as a person, not as the disciplinarian of the house. Let (force?! ) your husband take over that role. And cross your fingers. I wish you all kinds of good luck! :raspberry-tounge: [/QUOTE]
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