New and need help badly!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tjg4god, Jun 16, 2008.

  1. tjg4god

    tjg4god just me

    My name is TJ. I have a 8 year old difficult child Noah who is on concerta and doing well with ADHD. I have a 3.5 year old son Dakota who is having SO many problems. I cannot control this boy no matter what I do. He has tantrums, will NOT listen to anything anyone says. He will do the total opposite of what we tell him and then look at you and smile. He wants everything his way and NOW. He won't cooperate in church. He tears everything up. He kicks and bites and hits people. No timeouts, or spanking or taking EVERY toy he has away has ANY effect on him. He goes right back to the behavior 2 minutes later. I don't know what else to do with him. I have him in behavior therapy(not working) and on Clonidine to help him sleep at night. He sees a psyc doctor who tells me they can't do anything until he is 4 and in pre-k. I don't really want him on medications but I am SO tired I don't know what else to do. I feel like the worlds worst parent. I think thoughts I should not be thiking. I love him so very much but at times I can't stand to be around him. He is making life miserable for us. He is making my 8 year olds life miserable. He hits him, takes toys away, breaks his stuff, etc. I don't know what else to do. Every form of discipline has failed. I have tried it all. I thought tons of praise might have an impact but it didn't even phase him. It is like he don't understand anything. And there is more..he was doing really well going to the potty for a long time and now he has started going in his pants again. And he will lie when I aski him if he has to go. I will take him in there and he won't go and then he will turn around and go in his pants and laugh about it. He can't start pre-k if he isn't fully trained. Can anyone please help me or tell some things I can do?? I feel like I am going crazy. I am a prisoner in my home. Any feedback would help! Thanks for listening!
     
  2. jal

    jal Member

    Welcome. You have found a very supportive site and you are not alone. My son was/is exactly like what you have described minus the bathroom issue. It is exhausting. You said he sees a psychiatric dr. Did they give him a diagnosis or do they want to wait like you said until he is 4 before they do? Does your son attend any type of daycare, if so are they seeing the issues too? Are there any medical, mental or substance abuse issues on either side of the family? Have you considered a neuropsychological exam?
     
  3. tjg4god

    tjg4god just me

    Thanks for the reply! He was diagnosed as a general disruptive behavior disorder/mood disorder unspecified. They are leaning towards ADHD but cannot do proper tests until he is 4. He has never gone to daycare, but he supposed to start pre-k this August when he turns 4. As far as family hx-I have had mild depression/anxiety, no medications for years and my other difficult child is ADHD but was never like this. That is all I know of. I have no took him to a neuro. Would that be useful? What can they do that a regular psychiatric cannot? Tahnks for your help, I really appreciate it and it really helps to talk to someone who can relate to all this.
     
  4. jal

    jal Member

    The neuropsychologist will do testing for developmental and learning disabilities. Our difficult child was evaluated last summer and basically we were told there was no underlying learning disability and it came out that they agreed with-the psychiatrist's diagnosis that it is a mood disorder. Our difficult child could not hold it together at daycares. He has been through 4 to date. This last one he has been doing well at and he made it through his first year of Kindergarten. He has support and an IEP (Individualized Educational Program) in place.

    It is very hard with kids like ours. All we can do is take it one day at a time with them. I know this weekend there were times I was ready to leave. Sometimes it is too much.

    Have you tried reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene?
     
  5. Joeman

    Joeman New Member

    My DS's behavior was similar. Fortunately, we did get him evaluated by the child study team and he is in an inclusion preschool class 5 days a week. He did NOT need to be potty trained which was also a blessing as getting him to do anything that he does want to do is next to impossible. The break it gives us helps my sanity. My DS was diagnosed with ADHD and 'severe aggressive behavioral disorder'...whatever that is...when he was 3.5. I would take whatever steps necessary to have your DS evaluated by multiple professionals...developmental pediatrician, neuropsychologist, etc. to get to some sort of diagnosis that will enable you to obtain some preschool services. I had to fight and go 'back door' to get to the specialists. Also, I would avoid places that are difficult for him, like church. For me, I pray that God just has to give me a pass for the next few years. My DS is also on Clonidine...twice a day in the AM and before bed. It has calmed him some, reduced aggression significantly, improved impulsivity issues. In general, though, he is beyond 'high maintenance' and we have multiple moments each day where he doesn't listen, is defiant and can't contol himself. Good luck and I hope you will get some answers soon.
     
  6. JodyS

    JodyS New Member

    They wouldn't test my son when he was little either........ until I pushed and pursed every avenue possible. I was in your shoes also. And, I am not saying medicate him either, but push to get him evaluated and diagnosed or on the way to diagnosis. I don't understand why they shove little kids under the rug like that (because their not in school yet, they don't have to deal with them).
     
  7. tjg4god

    tjg4god just me

    I just want to thank all of you for your advice. It helps so much to talk with people who know what you are going through instead of looking at you like you are the world's worst mother. I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to help moms cope when they are at the end of their rope. Just for a little clarification and background.....I am married but my husband works during the day is is usually not a lot of help when he gets home as he is tired, our resources are really tight and limited and we don't have any family that lives near us. So we are pretty much on our own. I don't really get a break from the kids right now and by the time he gets home I just want to pull my hair out and cry.:sad-very: I believe I am depressed or something but I cannot go to counseling as I cannot take my son to appointments like that (except his) because he does not behave and it is pointless to try and talk to someone about it. So I was wondering if anyone would have any advice for someone in this situation. Thanks again.
     
  8. Joeman

    Joeman New Member

    Just wanted to follow up and give some additional advice on getting some relief for yourself. As hard as it may sound, I found getting up early (like an hour) ahead of my kids/husband was a big one for me. I used the time to exercise, eat my breakfast, read the paper in peace. Sometimes, I did a few chores if time allowed. It helped me to start my day well fed, already done something for myself. The other thing I do is to take 'mini-breaks' for myself throughout the day. That is, when DS is buckled into his booster seat to eat his lunch, I turn on the TV for him and I sit and eat mine while reading a magazine or doing the Suduko for 10 minutes or so...unless he is choking or doing something dangerous, I ignore him and just clean up the mess later. I do also assign my DDs to play with DS for 20 minutes each day (switching on and off days). That helps too. Maybe you could enlist your older DS to play with the younger DS and offer an allowance/incentive for doing so. Do you get out to parks/playgrounds? How does your DS behave in those situations? I would try to do outdoor activities as much as possible, even if it is just some time outside on your driveway with the garden hose to go wild. Another thing I did was when early intervention came to my house, I disappeared upstairs and let them do their thing with DS. I love him to pieces but if someone else was going to take over for an hour, I was GONE. It stinks having no help! I hope you find some relief that works for you.
     
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