I found this forum just a few minutes ago, and please excuse any typos, I'm a bit of a mess today. I guess I had to have reached my "bottom" before reaching out in this way, but as I'm sure many of you understand, I just cannot find the support, or just the ...words..I need to hear from anywhere else right now. I'm feeling very alone, which is funny, as my phone is ringing off the hook. My difficult child is a 7 year old redheaded boy who was my only up until 4 months ago. I raised him alone, of course today I'm feeling guilty for that, and how close we are. I have a 4 month and two day old baby girl, with husband, who is not difficult child's father. He and I have been together for 2 years, we relocated to his state to be with him. Being here, with him, in this suburban town is the most stable I and difficult child have ever been. He does not remember biological, and we moved frequently due to my own bad choices and circumstances. We were relocated after Katrina (we were in LA), and moved here in Feb of 07. All during that time people would comment on how polite and just generally GOOD difficult child was. And he was! Though I rarely let him out of my sight except for day care. My own personal issues rearing their heads. When we moved here, I promised myself I would start him in therapy, just because..well, we had been through alot. A stepparent leaving, the hurricane, multiple moves, no support system ( I was not speaking to my own family). He began having disruptive behavior in school, social skills needing work. About once a month a note would be sent home- while his academics were above norm, his relationships with peers was rocky. Fast forward to first grade, this past year. He was suspended twice for major meltdowns consisting of refusal to follow teacher directives, at one point attempting to hit a teacher who tried to put him in time out. The principal, one of the few trained in restraint, had to hold him in the boy's restroom until I could come get him. We had just started outpatient therapy the week before. IEP meeting. No diagnosis, we can't help him much without one. How bout a 504? Well, he has a slight lisp, we can do speech therapy, and we are moving him to the developmental classroom. The last few months of my pregnancy saw increasingly defiant behavior at school and home, to the point where he would scream bloody murder if i so much as told him to take a shower when he didn't want to. Therapist recommended "The Explosive Child", and we began using the CPS program (Collaborative problem solving). After baby was born, difficult child yet again began acting out more frequently. Was suspended, again, the Principal told me to consider home schooling. He was suspended the last week of school for causing a scene in the school hallways, screaming and refusing to give back a tinker toy he wanted to play with. At this point, I knew his patterns, CPS was working at home, but not so much at school, as they use a different system. If he woke up in a foul mood, chances were he would have a bad day at school, no matter what I tried to do to diffuse him. Therapist referred us to a Partial hospital day school his office was affiliated with. difficult child was excited, it was summer, he was bored, and he LOVES school. After two weeks there, they gave a tentative diag of ADHD for impulse control. He seemed to have blocked executive pathways for social nuances, and could be set off into a screaming kicking meltdown from the smallest things. Then he would calm, and be the kindest, sweetest child. He began saying, during calm moments, that he hated being bad, would look at me tearfully and ask why he was such a bad kid. Broke my heart, and all I could do was explain that he wasn't bad- that he just had some stuck moments that we were helping him learn to overcome. psychiatric DR at Partial scripted adderall, 10m in the am. He did well in partial, they were optimistic. I informed them he was melting down more rapidly at home, so they scripted 5 mg of the same in afternoons. One week later, things are calm, too calm. I told Dr and social worker that I was waiting, I knew it was building up. They stayed optimistic, said the medications were working. But after another meeting, we discussed ODD diag with the ADHD in addition to a mood disorder (all run in my fam). Dr said wait a week, and if needed, he would script prozac to balance the adderall. Yesterday- dropping difficult child at Partial, he was in a foul mood (clenched fists, gritting teeth, growling) Because I pushed the elevator buttons instead of him. I left him with the nurse, warning her he might have a hard day. She nodded, expecting it, and I walked down the hall for the weekly parents meeting they hold there. At 2 pm I went to pick him up, bare feet, baby only in a diaper, expecting he would get in the car and we go home. Instead, they asked me to come up, as they could not release him until he had calmed. I find he is upstairs, in a quiet room, banging on the doors, walls, with feet and hands, and yelling to be let out. He had argued with a peer, it became heated, they asked him to go to a quiet room, he refused, they dragged him- he assaulted a counselor. Dr was there, soc worker was there, said if he did not calm in 15 minutes, they would call crisis, as they could not release him like that. One hour later, he is still raging, crisis comes, I am calm, but a bit freaked out. Dr says tomorrow he will script prozac, that crisis could calm him, and we were getting FST *(family stabilization team) to get ready for the next day. difficult child , now calm, informs crisis he wants to hurt people when angry, and wants to die when he is sad. They relay this to me, and say that crisis supervisor feels he needs hospital level care for suicidal tendencies. At this point I break, but still outwardly calm, baby in arms. They ambulance him to ER for medication clearance and to find him a bed somewhere. 6 hours in ER, they have a bed at psychiatric hospital across town. At 11:30 pm he was finally admitted, and I can't remember anything they said, or that I signed, because I'm more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. husband had met me at ER, and was supportive throughout, but I'm still feeling isolated. I woke up today feeling like I have a hangover. I'm sort of numb, but I keep tearing up, though i cannot seem to sob like I want to. I don;t know what I'm supposed to do. I called his therapist, left a voice mail, but feel like I should be doing something! Anything! Do I call the partial to follow up with them? Do I set up an outside psychiatrist in addition to therapist, do i call his gen pediatrician? Is there some sort of handbook for this? husband truly is wonderful, but selfishly, I can;t help but think that he can't understand, difficult child isn't -HIS- child...I know I'm acting horribly by thinking this, but it's what I'm feeling. My mother called at 7 am, I can't bring myself to talk to her. She went through this same thing, with me, at 16. I know everyone here understands this, I don't feel like I'm unique in this, but I personally have never felt so...lost. Here go the tears again. I apologize for the length, but I just had to vent and get this out.