Welcome Tess. I am so sorry you are having to deal with your daughter's antics, it's very difficult for us parents to recognize who our children really are sometimes. It goes against our love for them and our dreams for them and forces us to accept truths we don't want to accept. I understand.
Trust your gut. Realistically, who could have walked into your home without a key, known exactly where the jewelry was and not disturbed your dog? Even the police know who did it, they just may not be able to prove it, but YOU know the truth. We so doubt our own instincts with our kids, we go against what we KNOW to be the truth rather then let ourselves really get that our kids could do what they do. You have found a group of parents who are going through what you are, or have, or will............we are a weary bunch here, but we stick together...........
You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here...........it's very helpful.
Many of us who had dysfunctional childhoods try to do the opposite with our own kids and end up swinging to the opposite pole, it is not uncommon. You, as many of us here, did the best you could with what you knew, if you had known better, you would have done better. Once our kids grow up, at a certain point, their healing or growth or transformation into adulthood is their responsibility, not ours...............just like it was yours and mine to heal and grow from our own childhoods. You can't control what your daughter does now, she is an adult in the eyes of the law. She has no right to be disrespectful, to manipulate, to steal from you, to be violent, to be cruel or exhibit any of that bad behavior around you. If we enabled our kids, we need to begin setting very strong boundaries, as you've now done. And, to uphold those boundaries as necessary.
I hope you are changing your locks and making sure she cannot gain access to your home or your valuables, including any online banking with passwords...................kids around here are notorious for stealing from the parents and cleaning out your bank account is not out of the realm of reality. Cover all your bases.
And, you mentioned that you are in therapy which is very good, most of us need lots of support to stay the course as we detach from our kids..........it is not an easy path. It's important to make every attempt to let go of any guilt you feel which is how the kids can manipulate us by blaming us. It is their poor choices which get them in the hot water they usually find themselves in, not your parenting. She is making the choices now.
I know how you feel being envious of other mother-daughter relationships, I have a 41 year old difficult child and at this point in time we don't have much of a connection..............for me what helped the most was learning to accept what is............to recognize that this is out of my hands, I didn't create this, I can't control it and I can't fix it..........it is what it is.............that was what began the process of change for me. Like you have done, I changed how I responded and that changed everything.
Keep posting, it helps. Stay well supported. Do kind, nurturing things for yourself. Have dates with your husband and put the focus on you rather then your daughter........................wishing you peace..........
