New boyfriend, daughter spirals

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DoneDad, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I post occasionally. Daughter was doing pretty well, living at home with 2 year old son, working - not without problems, but making improvements. Then new boyfriend enters picture - she's gone for days at a time, constant lying. The heartbreaker - little guy crying saying "mommy gone." Drugs, alcohol in her room where he can get to them.

    We told her if she wants to move we'd take care of little guy - she jumped at the opportunity and has moved out. Little guy still saying "mommy gone" Baby daddy just got out of jail. We talked to a lawyer about guardianship - she said for now best to stabilize little guys situation.

    This is not the retirement we envisioned, but we're willing to do what's best for the little guy.

    Daughter still working as far as we know.
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We are the same age, and similar situation. Our troubles started about 15 years ago when our grandchildren ended up in foster care. They were there for one year before we were allowed custody. They were 3,5 and 7 when this started. The oldest, went to his biodad and his current wife. Our two are now 16 and 18. We adopted them 11 years ago.

    I hope you can get legal custody, plus benefits for the child. I think the showing up and then disappearing act is so hard on children. I am glad you are there for your grandson.

    Things were great for us, then teen years started, school difficulties, poor choices. It is not easy to raise grandchildren, especially as they age and put all the missing pieces together. Some will have issues because of their history.

    Plus, if your daughter was doing drugs or drinking alcohol during her pregnancy there is a chance your grandson could have some neurological deficits. Please keep an open eye... I never made the connection at first because both granddaughters were bright, read at an early age, etc. but in the school setting we started to see ADHD type symptoms in the oldest. She had problems making and keeping friends, couldn't hand in homework, even when she completed it.
    Later diagnosed as having a mood disorder.

    We thought the youngest was our easy child...until she started having anxiety and depression. She has self harmed. Is easily manipulated by others. Now diagnosed as oppositional defiance disorder. Both girls have a huge self esteem issue. They turn the ...if mom couldn't stick around for me, I must not be worth anything...into feeling unworthy of healthy relationship.

    We always had the kids in therapy, they had started when in foster care, and we went occasionally to touch base. Unfortunately, we didn't find a great psychologist until last year. There were no psychs for kids in our community.

    I think we are finally making headway. Oh...bio mom is now in jail, awaiting trial for armed robbery. $250,000 bond. At least she is halfway across the country.

    Good luck. Get legal advice and proceed. KSM
     
  3. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Oh man. I'm living this story with my two grandkids by my oldest daughter, now 40 years old. Husband is retired,10 years older than me, I'm still working to afford the expenses of a daughter who can't/won't take care of her children. In the end, I can't trust her anymore and it breaks my heart. I see her for the addict she is, even when she's not actively using on a daily basis. She really can't work for any length of time because she keeps getting fired. One of of her kids is a difficult child. So, I just try my darndest to provide them with as nice a childhood as I can.

    My parents were alcoholics that gave up custody of my younger brother and me to the foster care system. My grandparents didn't step up. I'm stepping up. My grandkids love us, have a clean place to stay, get to school on time, good food to eat, and I show up to IEP meetings for difficult grandson - - all those things my daughter doesn't do anymore.

    So, we don't get to travel. No vacations in six years. We live with constant stress waiting for the next shoe to drop. I work very hard as a Special Education teacher, am 64 years old and can't retire. I feel you, DoneDad. It helps me to just focus on the kids. I miss the daughter I used to have and am furious with her for her choices.
     
  4. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Not a grandparent, but I have my 2 nephews and niece. My niece, definitely born addicted. My sister is a heroin addict and is doing a 5 year prison sentence rather than submit herself to and inpatient treatment program and 5 years of outpatient treatment and monitoring (which would also get her an education, a job, job training, and housing)

    We got legal custody of them before they made it into foster care. We are now working on legally adopting them.

    My bio mother is also an addict/alcoholic, we were removed from her custody as children. I was raised by my father/stepmother. My sister wasn't so lucky.

    Look into trying to get legal custody and guardianship. You will need it for school and medical treatment.

    My kids are also in counseling and have been since they came to live with us. Not the youngest, we are the only parents she knows, we brought her home from the hospital.

    My oldest has some inattentive ADHD issues, that are pretty mild, but does well in school and no behavior problems. My youngest has had some global delays, mostly a lot of fine motor and speech. She has been in early intervention and this year "graduated" to "regular" pre-K and we will determine if she is ready for Kinder after this year. She is mostly caught up except for some fine motor skills.

    I didn't envision 5 kids this close together, and it does take a huge toll on finances, but in the long run, no matter how huge a sacrifice, we have done the right thing.
     
  5. Sadgranny

    Sadgranny Member

    To EVERYONE on here. My heart goes out to each one of you. I have been reading many posts. I must say to those who have taken in your grandkids and those with your sibling' s kids may you be blessed with strength and take comfort in knowing you truly did the right thing. I can't read ANYMORE I'm in tears from this. I just needed to send you all my best and hugs to all of us.
     
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  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think that the grief we experience due to our difficult kids is two fold. We grieve for the loss of the dream we held for our kids future and the loss of the life we envisioned for ourselves after they became self sufficient adults.
     
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Similar to Sadgranny...I found this thread very difficult to read.
    Blessing to those of you taking care of grandkids. My heart goes out to you.
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Done Dad, I'm sorry for your struggles, I know first hand how it goes since I raised my granddaughter too. It's a tough call, but the kids are innocent.........I know how you feel.

    I know your attorney said to wait for guardianship so that your grandson can stabilize, however, it is a process and it takes time to get guardianship. I did it too. Your daughter will be served papers as will anyone else involved with the child's welfare, so be aware that timing is crucial, you'll want to move ahead when you think your daughter and her ex will not fight the guardianship. The courts always make every attempt at keeping the children with their bio-parents, so there is usually mediation of some kind as well. You may want to look up guardianship on your local State government sites, here in California, I got a lot of info off of that site before I began, so I knew what I was up against.

    To all of you raising kids at our age, I know how challenging it is, I do. I was 58 when my granddaughter came to live with me, and now 9 years later, she is 20 years old, healthy, happy and doing very well. I made it. Sigh. It was not easy, but like you all, I knew I could not let her suffer under the circumstances her mother and father created.

    Bless all of us for doing what we have to do.......
     
  9. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Thanks for the replies. Good to hear from other people who have been down the same road. Everything is calm now, but there is always another drama tornado on the horizon.
     
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