New here and advice needed

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MamaT1982, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. MamaT1982

    MamaT1982 New Member

    Hello everyone. This is my first post here.
    A little background:
    I have 4 childern ages 12-2. My middle childern both have been diagnosis with ADHD and difficult child 1 (N) displays ODD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) tendencies.
    Starting in 2006 we have had several verbal and physical outburst/meltdowns. The earliest I remember is her getting upset I didn't give her a hug goodbye when I dropped her off at daycare. She kicked on male staff between the legs and choked another female staff. She luckily was only suspended for one day she had another outburst at a new daycare center a year later around the time I started dating my SO. Things calmed down for awhile until early 2008. Her bio-dad was getting divorced and the kids were taking it pretty hard as they had grown close to his wife. I sought counseling for them. And it came out that my exhuaband (bio dad) had touched her. Police were notified and he was investigated but not enough evidence was found. I was unable to continue counseling due to insurance/financial reasons. Since then she typically has major meltdowns every 2-3 month complete with verbal and physical aggressions and they last anywhere from 1 hour or till shes so physically exhausted that she falls asleep. We constantly have to remind her to sit in an appropriate manner, not with her butt out, slouched down, or her feet up in the air. She is completely possessive over the tv and Legos/ blocks. I can't speak of Ny possible plans because she (and my GFG6 year old) automatically thinks its a done deal She had never done any physical damage to the house until last week.
    On Thursday I found N and E under a blanket kissing, twice. I broke it up both times but didn't say anything as I neede some time to think about how to approach it. I asked E about it the next day and she admitted to what happened. I explained it was inappropriate and should never be done again. I confronted N and she refused to tell the truth and acted as if nothing was wrong. After several attempts I told her she would not be able to join us outside for the day. Immediate meltdown. I lied to her, I hate her, she never gets anything she wants ect. I let her stay in the house to cool down and came back in 45 minutes later to a huge mess. She had flooded the kitchen floor with water, taken a new pad of post-it notes and had tore each sheet off and placed it in the water. Then she took her sister deodorant, smeared it all over the bathroom door and mirror and stuck hair clips in it. While she cleaned up I tried calling the RCT to see if they had an empty bed but was directed to call her regular dr. Called her peds RN who directed me to take her to the er. 3 hours at the er led to eexomendatuon that she gets counseling. Really?!? They weren't concerned what so ever that she self harms ( cuts the fleshy part of her toes and foot with nail clippers and sticks needles/pins into her skin). After several phone calls and transfers today I have gotten her into a peds dr tomorrow And an in-take appr for a trams therapy group next week. I don't know what peds is gonna say tomorrow but I'm sure they will do squat as I have asked for recommendations to psychiatric desks and been denied. How do I push for a neuro exam or a more throughough psychiatric evaluation??? I am at my wits end with her!

    Any advice is greatly appraciated.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    First of all, if she was "touched" once, she was probably "touched" a lot. Most k ids don't fess up to the whole thing. ANd CPS can't do anything without proof, especially if the child won't say so. If your daughter is kissing her one sibling, she could be touching other ones so I would never take my eyes off of her or leave her alone with any of them. It's dangerous. She may be dangerous. It may not be her fault she was touched or molested or whatever, but she is acting out on at least one other child and that can hurt all of your younger children.

    That is what my focus would be on first. If you don't tell the pediatrician her history with bio. dad and how she was kissing her sibling then pediatrician has no real clue as the seriousness of what has and is going on. I recommend telling him everything. Frankly, I think you should take her to see a psychiatrist. in my opinion she needs more than counseling...that's not enough. And you must MUST keep your other children safe. Do you think biol dad may have "touched" them as well?

    This molestation which probably was far more than once is probably the key to all of her behavior. How old is N and how old is the sibling she was k issing (and don't assume it was the first and only time). Could have been. Good chance it wasn't.

    Do your kids still have visitation with bio. dad?? I hope not.
     
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have the same questions as mwm does. Wanted to let you know i read this and i am sorry ex is such a putz.
     
  4. MamaT1982

    MamaT1982 New Member

    N is 10 and E (sister) will be 12 next month. We have been keeping her away From the other kids and making her go to bed an hour earlier (the older 3 share a room as we are renovating and sleep in the living room
    ourselves). They see their bio dad when they spend time at gma
    S as he lives with her. They dont spend more that one night there at a time (maybe e/o month or so). He never calls to ask about them or take them nor do I update him on their medical appts. I don't know if he's do e anything to the others as they said he hadn't. Never really claimed J (6 year old) as his son for whatever reason and he only sees his youngest (4 year old girl, 2nd marriage) maybe once a year.
     
  5. chloedancer

    chloedancer New Member

    Your daughter has alleged that her father molested her, and she still sees him. That alone could be the problem. Early trauma alters brain development, and creates a more easily triggered "fight or flight" response. She also may not trust adults. What state are you in? Does she see a therapist?
     
  6. MamaT1982

    MamaT1982 New Member

    We are in Minnesota. She's seen someone for ADHD which was ****. My son saw the same team the next day and I was told to focus on him, not her (didn't think I could handle both kids in group, plus work, and home life). Everytime I ask her primary for a recommendation to a new dr/therapist she refuses. During our ER visit I was given a contact # where I didn't need a dr's recommendation. I did follow up with them and she has an in-take evaluation next week for a trauma therapy group.
     
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Well, at least somebody is thinking outside the box... at least it is a start.
    Because if you can get just ONE person in the medical field to see the issues and start documenting that she needs to be assessed by... neuropsychologist, or by medical for X or Y, or whatever... as soon as somebody ELSE is pushing for her to get services, their word is worth 100+ of yours.
     
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Mama, I tried to send you a private message but you don't have it enabled. Can you do that and I can maybe get you some places you might not know about but we can't name specific facilities/professionals on the board? A lot of it might depend on the insurance you have and exactly where you are (I am also in MN).
     
  9. chloedancer

    chloedancer New Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this. A trauma history could account for most of the symptoms you are talking about, but so could other diagnosis. I am also sorry that you havent gotten the answeres/referrals/support you needed from professionals. I would explain that while she is not suicidal or "acute" at this point, that you are concerned for her safety and well being. If they refuse you a referral I would ask that they document that you requested the referral and they refused. Sometimes that changes things :)
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did you tell these doctors that your daughter was molested and they STILL didn't send her to a specialist for children who have been sexually abused to see how much has happened? That shocks me because they are mandated reporters and normally have to tell CPS, which could get you FREE help. Or are you not telling them about this? If not, in my opinion you are making a grave mistake. When this happened in our family, (an older adopted brother did it), the younger kids got excellent services, all paid for and it was taken EXTREMELY seriously. And until he left, we had no clue the extent of what he'd done. Nobody has ever seen him again since he left.

    You need to try to stop bio. father from having unsupervised visitation. I am assuming his mother doesn't believe he molested his daughter and doesn't watch them.

    Even if Daughter goes to bed an hour early, she gets up in the middle of the night and could go into the other kid's rooms and hurt them. I recommend a lock on her door so you can get up whenever s he does and make sure s he just, say, goes to the bathroom and goes back to her room. Also, a lock on the others doors would be good. I would not let her sleep with any of the other kids under any circumstances.

    Even if she has other disorders too,t he molestation is going to mess her up worse and her siblings may not be disclosing. Kids usually do not tell when they are sexually abused. The abuser usually threatens them good and scares them to death. "If you tell them, I'll kill Mommy." "I'll go to jail if you tell and nobody will send you money and it will be your fault." (This scares a child). "Nobody will believe you anyway so don't waste your time."

    It is rare for an adult perp to only perp one time. It usually goes on and on until some adult catches on and stops it.
     
  11. MamaT1982

    MamaT1982 New Member

    I made sure the doctors were well aware of the touching. They asked if it had been reported and were satisfied when I said it had been despite the fact nothing had been done.
     
  12. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    The doctors are idiots. Just because it was reported, whether anything was done about it or not, does not "take care of" what it did to your daughter. How ignorant that is!!! Reporting it does not help her heal from it. Grrrrrr Professionals like that irritate the h**** out of me. I'm sorry they were so dismissive. Obviously, they have no experience with these types of things and are too stupid to refer you to someone that DOES.

    {{{{HUGS}}}} to you and your kids.
     
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Stupid question, but are you dealing with male doctors?
    "Sometimes", you get more of a response out of female doctors for these kinds of issues... not always, but sometimes.
     
  14. MamaT1982

    MamaT1982 New Member

    Just got back from the dr. and am completely upset. Because there is "no proof" of recent events involving abuse toward N she doesn't "qualify" to be seen by a peds specialist but a psychology recommendation "will be made". Yeah right. An appointment was made to see a social worker next week. We also have an eye exam (one of her tics involves squinting one eye constantly) plus the intake exam for trauma therapy.

    Nothing was said about what she had done to her sibs. I understand she's an innocent victim of abuse as well but for crying out loud how can you at your helping when your ignoring part of the problem?!?!

    I asked several times for a neuropsychologist exam but was told that she wasn't comfortable making it based on her exam.

    Looks like I will be trying elsewhere to get results.....
     
  15. MamaT1982

    MamaT1982 New Member

    Oh... We saw make doctors in the ER but a female dr today.... I swear it's the health system here.
     
Loading...